I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore

The internet is abuzz with news that Mariah Carey has absolutely no ability to sing live after a disastrous televised performance at Rockefeller Center.

I’ll admit that the “true-ue-ue-ue” part of “All I Want For Christmas” sans music sounds like a downed bird being repeatedly stepped and unstepped on, but talent is not something you simply lose one day like a coin in a couch cushion.

I am of the slightly unpopular opinion that Mariah is the best female singer of my generation (suck it, Beyoncé) and would like to defend her honor by saying that she’s no dummy. She made it through the rain with multiple personalities, Glitter and a mustache in Precious. I say she’s pretending to suck so she can make another comeback.  It’s a brilliant business plan that you wish you’d thought of. Continue reading “I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore”

Emma Stone to Rock a Bowler Hat in ‘Cabaret’?

Emma Stone Vogue 2012 hatEntertainment Wise is reporting that Emma Stone might make her Broadway debut as Sally Bowles in the next production of Cabaret alongside veteran Alan Cumming, a role previously thought to have been offered to Anne Hathaway.

Stone does have a little musical theatre background and has been known to bust a move (mostly in a comedic context), but I have no idea if she’ll make a good Sally Bowles or not.

It’s very hard to imagine her doing a bad job at anything. At the very least, her performance would be charming.

I’ve always been a bitterbush about not being able to go to Broadway plays, but I’d rather live in Susan Boyle’s armpit than a city as big as New York. So, there’s that.

Continue reading “Emma Stone to Rock a Bowler Hat in ‘Cabaret’?”

Vin Diesel Should Stick to Driving and Being Buff

Vin Diesel singingWhen I was at Universal Studios last year I saw this whole Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift thing with pyrotechnics and cars flying out of the ground, I was like, “Where the hell is Vin Diesel?”

I’m aware he wasn’t even in Tokyo Drift, but whatever. I actually like him, and the whole studio tour would have been even cooler if he had popped out of a house on Wisteria Lane waving in his Riddick glasses.

He seems fun like Bruce Willis, if Bruce was bigger and not as good at acting. He also seems fun because he unabashedly sings questionable karaokeContinue reading “Vin Diesel Should Stick to Driving and Being Buff”

Beyonce Blames The Weather In Press Conference About Lip-Syncing

Beyonce super bowl press conferenceWhen you’ve been hired to perform at the biggest, most watched sporting event of the year, you have the power to call a press conference for the sole purpose of proving a point.

Yesterday, Beyonce walked into a room full of reporters with “Super Bowl XLVII” and the Pepsi logo emblazoned in lights behind her and said “Hello, how is everyone? Would you guys mind standing?”

You would be correct in guessing that a slightly rushed version of the National Anthem came after.

I guess the whispers of deceit and even the question of how much air her lungs can hold after the Inauguration lip-sync scandal finally got to her. Afterwards she said this:

Continue reading “Beyonce Blames The Weather In Press Conference About Lip-Syncing”

NO ONE Sings The National Anthem Like Beyonce

Beyonce Obama InaugurationBeyonce is garnering perfect reviews across the board after effortlessly performing the National Anthem at Obama’s inauguration earlier today. Gawker described her voice as “more heavenly than a thousand Hallelujah choruses,” and I can’t really disagree.

Her rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” is comparable only to the one that lady sang at the Panthers vs. Patriots Super Bowl in 2004. Oh oh, that was Beyonce too? Never mind.

Singing this is easier for her than talking, addition problems for preschoolers, or stealing sugar-free candy from Paula Deen’s purse while she’s window shopping for butter.  Continue reading “NO ONE Sings The National Anthem Like Beyonce”

The Lack of Dialogue in ‘Les Miserables’ Will Make You Cry

Anne Hathaway cryingAnne Hathaway tells MTV she cries when she watches herself in Tom Hooper’s Les Miserables because she’s “still connected to the experience of making it.” I, on the other hand, cried because there isn’t a single line of non-singing dialogue.

The lack of talking is something you might have missed from reading reviews, which have been mostly positive. Hathaway shines as factory-worker-turned-whore Fantine as does Jackman, Sacha Baron Cohen (for show-stealing comedy relief), Helena Bonham Carter, Isabelle Allen as young Cosette, and Samantha Barks.

Just please don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say there’s no talking, because there really isn’t any.

When you read an interview with Hooper and they talk about his choice to use “little spoken dialogue,” they mean “no spoken dialogue.” And when he says the “primary communication form” is singing, he really means “the only communication form.”  Continue reading “The Lack of Dialogue in ‘Les Miserables’ Will Make You Cry”

Question: Who Has More Talent Than ‘The X-Factor’ Group Emblem3? (Answer: Everyone)

drew-chadwick-and-Wesley StrombergAs a viewer of both The Voice and X FactorI can effectively say that it’s easy to find flaws in the format, especially when the contestants can’t sing.

This applies to one of mentor Simon Cowell’s two remaining X Factor groups, hideous vocal trio Emblem3.

The judges on The Voice would NEVER turn their chairs for these no-talent, Good Charlotte-sounding douche factories.

I would say that “America” is voting based on looks alone if all four judges didn’t shower them with praise every week after each grade school talent show-worthy cover from brothers Wesley Stromberg, Keaton Stromberg and Drew Chadwick. Apparently I’m just clueless.  Continue reading “Question: Who Has More Talent Than ‘The X-Factor’ Group Emblem3? (Answer: Everyone)”

The Sadist in All of us Can Appreciate ‘Killer Karaoke’ with Steve-O

Steve-O is the host of a new show where regular people are thrown into Jackass-type scenarios, while singing.

Killer Karaoke on TruTV dips its harmonizing contestants into snake tanks, slaps them with fish, removes their body hair, and forces them to navigate through the “cactus maze.”

Other tasks that include scorpions, air horns, trap doors and maggots.

Sounds like the best TV show ever, huh? The New York Times certainly thinks so (“No other phrase will do”). Based on ITV1’s Sing If You Can, Killer Karaoke airs on Fridays at 9:00 p.m.  Continue reading “The Sadist in All of us Can Appreciate ‘Killer Karaoke’ with Steve-O”

New Movie ‘Pitch Perfect’ Is Season One Of ‘Glee,’ But With Famous People

Universal’s Pitch Perfect starring Anna Kendrick, Elizabeth Banks, Brittany Snow, Anna Camp, and Rebel Wilson is being marketed as a slightly more adult version of Glee.

Pitch Perfect has cast known a few known B and C list actresses, whereas Glee featured unknowns that were made famous by the show. Studios with hopes for high box office numbers obviously has no time for such things.

Note the scene where redheaded Brittany Snow catches Anna Kendrick singing in the shower, it’s just like when Mr. Schuester hears Finn harmonizing REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling” in the locker room.

Continue reading “New Movie ‘Pitch Perfect’ Is Season One Of ‘Glee,’ But With Famous People”

Angelina Jolie Was A Child Nun (And Afro-Orc)

Thank you Snakkle.com for digging up this unusual look at Angelina Jolie as a human being. A 12 year-old human girl in a nun’s habit in 1987 to be exact, singing none other than “New York, New York.”

Other songs include “Purple Rain” with Angie in a sombrero and “Stand By Me” in which she dons a wig complete with misaligned bozo ears.

Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Was A Child Nun (And Afro-Orc)”

Sinead O’Connor Looks Like Harry Potter’s Fat Cousin

Sinead O’Connor, is a respected artist right? Her cover of Prince’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” was the wispy, teary-eyed anthem of 1990 and beyond. It was also a number one on the US Hot 100 Chart, and Connor herself gained notoriety in 1992 by tearing and burning a picture of the pope during a performance of her song “War,” on Saturday Night Live. She was also the hip, sensitive, bald activist/extremist 90’s singer version of Natalie Portman.

So explain this new look to me, which the Irish singer debuted while she was singing backup for former Bob Marley keyboardist Natty Wailer and Celtic folk singer Damien Dempsey at Bray Summerfest 2011.

The festival takes place south of Dublin, Ireland, and Connor took the stage to support Dempsey and Wailer on August 7th, where she showed of her business lady jacket, mullet-bowl haircut, glasses, multiple-chin, giant hip-hop cross, sheer belly-net and black camel-ball pants.

She’s 44, but really really looks like a rebellious little boy chanting scripture from the Torah at his Bar Mitzvah, attempting to piss off his parents with leftover prop jewelry from a Madonna video.

It’s been seven hours and fifteen days
since you took your wand away
I go out every night drinking butterbeer all day
since you took your wand away
since you’ve been gone I hear Moaning Myrtle’s haunts
I can see Snape if I choose
I can eat dinner at Hogsmead restaurants
but nothing can take away this news
cause nothing compares to
nothing compares to you (Hermione)

[Sung by Irish sensation Harry Potter Connor Jr.]

Cosplay NERDS Lip-syncing to P!nk

Last month, at London’s annual comic-con event at Earls Court Exhibition Centre, a bunch of costume-wearing, comic book-reading, video-game playing hobos got together and lip-synced to Pink’s “Raise Your Glass.”

Watch, Malfoy, The Joker, Black Cat (Spiderman), Wolfenstein Zombies, Jack Sparrow, Baby Doll (Sucker Punch), Batgirl and Spiderman, plus more…

I think Pink would be proud, but this is pretty embarrassing to watch.

Why so serious? I’m not, I’m laughing with my eyes dude, get it right.

New Cee Lo,”Cry Baby,” Featuring Urkel

“Shhhhh, I’m Cee Lo Green.” Says Jaleel White in Cee Lo’s new video, released today.

Yes that’s actor behind Steve Urkel of Family Matters, the ultimate one-dimensional glasses/suspenders wearing nerd. Mouthing the words to Cee Lo’s new single “Cry Baby.” And he dances too, I guess.

I’m not sure what Cee Lo has against singing his own songs in his videos, as he had this same technique for half the “Fuck You” video, but it’s a catchy song. Not sure I love the video, let it play in the background. Don’t look at it.

Fatty boom boom.