Fred Armisen is Someone Basically All Women Should Avoid

Take what anonymous commenters on the internet have to say with a grain of salt, but there are just too many similar stories about Portlandia pioneer and Late Night bandleader Fred Armisen not being the fun, nice nerd-guy you imagine for it to be a coincidence.

Before and after Armisen’s ex-wife Elisabeth Moss publicly called being married to him “traumatic” and “horrible,” many non-famous women have taken to the internet to share their experiences. Apparently, Fred likes to keep girls on the side. Girls that he is very attentive and sweet with until he gets what he wants, and while his marriage to Moss might not have broken up because he was “sleeping with prostitutes,” as one commenter suggested, one woman did say this:

Fred got me pregnant, I had a miscarriage and he abandoned me.

And that’s not a stand-alone statement just coming out of nowhere. There are handfuls of people using the words “sociopath,” “cheater” and “asshole” to describe him.

He’s also very funny, so if you have a vagina, turn on your TV and laugh at him from afar. Or just work with him be gay. That seems to work for Carrie Brownstein.

Funny Video: Peter Pan Live on SNL

Peter Pan Live starring Allison Williams aired last week and was apparently even worse than you’d expect so of course Saturday Night Live jumped at the chance to parody it, inserting Cecily Strong as “the most gorgeous, womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features.” 
cecily strong peter pan whaddup players meme
Also, Aidy Bryant as Taco Bell, Tinkerbell’s ghetto fabulous half-sister, a “reverse tooth fairy” who enjoys landing on raw meat and stealing children’s money.

Everyone is Gay For Gay Ellen Page

Ellen page time to thriveAdorable actress Ellen Page announced the other day at an LGBT conference that she is gayer than a unicorn climbing up a rainbow with a dick in its mouth, spouting a really awe and aw inspiring speech about how she was tired of lying to herself, her friends and the public. Page said she felt “a personal obligation and a social responsibility” to tell the truth.

“I am tired of hiding and I am tired of lying by omission,” she said. “I suffered for years because I was scared to be out. My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered and my relationships suffered. And I’m standing here today, with all of you, on the other side of all that pain. I am young, yes, but what I have learned is that love, the beauty of it, the joy of it and yes, even the pain of it, is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being. And we deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame and without compromise.”  Continue reading “Everyone is Gay For Gay Ellen Page”

SNL Hires First Black Lady Cast Member Since Maya Rudolph

Sasheer ZamataSaturday Night Live finally filled the crazy void left by Maya Rudolph, who joined the cast all the way back in 2000 and left seven years later.

Lorne Michaels and Co. have officially hired their first African-American cast member since Rudolph.

Her name is Sasheer Zamata, a UVA grad who performed with the Upright Citizens Brigade and appeared on Inside Amy Schumer.

Before Rudolph, there were a staggering TWO other black women featured regularly on the show – Danitra Vance in 1985 and Ellen Cleghorne in 1991.

Surprising, since the show has featured a fair amount of notable black penis-having comedians like Chris Rock, Tracy Morgan and Eddie Murphy.

Judging by the below YouTube video tweeted by Lena Dunham (who called it “crazy funny”), I think this Sasheer lady is going to kill it. Continue reading “SNL Hires First Black Lady Cast Member Since Maya Rudolph”

Miley Calls Former Role Model Sinead O’Connor Crazy

Miley Cyrus tongue iheart radio
After reading an open letter from the woman whose song “Nothing Compares 2 U” inspired “Wrecking Ball,” Miley Cyrus subtly screenshotted tweets Sinead O’Connor wrote about finding a psychiatrist, posted a picture of her ripping the pope in half on SNL, and compared her to Amanda Bynes.

While O’Connor’s letter was intelligent and full of valid points, it doesn’t come off as entirely genuine. Publicizing the content of the message seems hypocritical, and it’s hard not to argue that she’s after the same publicity she repeatedly warns Miley of.  Continue reading “Miley Calls Former Role Model Sinead O’Connor Crazy”

Jason Sudeikis Done With ‘Saturday Night Live’

Jason Sudeikis Olivia Wilde instagramJason Sudeikis announced that he is not returning to the upcoming season of Saturday Night Live so he can spend more time with his head buried inside of Olivia Wilde.

Other male cast members lost include Bill Hader and Fred Armisen. Seth Meyers will leave around the Holidays to prepare for his gig on NBC’s Late Night.

Variety wisely pointed out that Lorne Michaels, likely scrambling to find new blood, should consider hiring someone who is already recognizable to the public. I would make a suggestion but I have absolutely no clue who would take a pay decrease and a busier schedule for a shot at fame that they already have.  Continue reading “Jason Sudeikis Done With ‘Saturday Night Live’”

Chris Rock Isn’t Talking About Popularity or Weight When He Says ADAM SANDLER IS HUGE

Adam Sandler penisIn a brief, impromptu interview with Chris Rock on Tuesday, June 18, Howard Stern asked about his own penis size and the size of his Grown Ups 2 co-star Adam Sandler.

Backstory: the line of questioning began because Rock was sitting next to Jonah Falcon, the world’s most well-endowed man, TSA menace and singer of “It’s Too Big.”

“It’s pretty big,” Rock stated. “When we were younger at SNL, Sandler and Farley would just whip out their d*cks all the time.”

Tommy Boy star Chris Farley, who died of a cocaine and morphine overdose in 1997, would humorously trick and his Saturday Night Live co-stars into looking at his junk, à la Waiting.

Continue reading “Chris Rock Isn’t Talking About Popularity or Weight When He Says ADAM SANDLER IS HUGE”

Inanimate Objects (Like Kim Kardashian) Continue to Rival Kanye West’s Sense of Humor

Kanye West serious face
The reports about Kim and Kanye’s disintegrating relationship are super reminiscent of the constant flow of stories about Kris and Bruce Jenner falling apart. And they’ve been married how long? (22 years, since 1991.) Out of all the Kardashian sisters, Kim does have the worst track record in terms of longevity…

Maybe the tabloids are right this time. Maybe Kim is devastated because Kanye is absent all the time. Maybe Kanye really is having an affair with the guy who designed Kim’s Met Gala dress.

Maybe Kim cries cries maraschino cherry tears in bed as her baby daddy watches gay glory hole porn.

Let’s talk about what’s actually true. Kanye is appearing on the finale of Saturday Night Live with Ben Affleck tonight. It’s his fifth time as the musical guest. Here’s what he said at a recent concert in New York:

[I had a friend ask me, ‘Are you gonna go on] SNL and you’re going to do like a skit about the paparazzi and shit and like humanize yourself?’ I ain’t here to apologize to no motherf*ckers man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At what point did I become unhuman where I had to turn myself back?

Kim and Kanye serious faceThere are a few things that make celebrities impossible to like. Usually it’s a moral issue. Rape, murder and domestic abuse rank highest. (Reasons I hate Michael Vick, Mel Gibson and Chris Brown.) Sometimes it’s that they have a horrible personality (like Serena Williams, Justin Bieber, Amber Rose etc.).

Hell nah I ain’t doing no motherf*cking SNL skits, this my goddamn life. This ain’t no motherf*cking joke.

Most people dislike Kanye West because he’s pompous and has absolutely no sense of humor about himself (see above quote). Some overlook it because he’s a talented songwriter.

Think about the celebrities you find particularly enjoyable in interviews. They’ve probably heard of this thing called laughter. Emma Stone’s heard of it. Jennifer Lawrence. Justin Timberlake. Tina Fey…

Cancerous tumors are funnier than Kanye. F*cking rocks and blades of grass and tables from Ikea too.

If you’re thinking of something besides Kanye West at this exact moment – be it a funeral or a break-up or your drinking problem or your kid’s mood disorder – that thing is definitely more funny.

Seth Meyers Taking Fallon’s ‘Late Night’ Reins

Jimmy Fallon Seth MeyersSaturday Night Live writer and news guy Seth Meyers thanked Lorne Michaels (and his mother) on Twitter after he was confirmed as Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night replacement.

“So, next year I’m going to do this. Thanks to NBC, Lorne, but especially Mom,” he wrote, including a link to the NY Times article announcing the big move.

I like Seth Meyers. He’s very sharp on Weekend Update, but who exactly decided that Fallon’s sub had to be another SNL alumn? Is Fallon’s success, and the success of any other host, not a one-of-a-kind occurrence that has to do with individual talent?

Obsessing over his lack of versatility compared to his predecessor is pointless. He’s more comedic than Leno or Letterman, and presumably not much less in tune than Fallon, Ferguson or Kimmel. He’ll be fine.
Fallon and Meyers cheers gifStefon kissing Seth Meyers gif
Meyers is expected to stay on Saturday Night Live through the holidays, until early 2014.

SNL’s Kate McKinnon Dances With Ellen, as Ellen

Kate McKinnon Ellen showKate McKinnon stopped by The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Tuesday to impersonate Ellen in costume for her audience.

McKinnon, who just quietly celebrated her one-year anniversary as a cast member on Saturday Night Live, danced to Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie,” fidgeted in her chair and mimicked her idol’s voice.

Earlier in the show, McKinnon told DeGeneres that she was a lifelong fan whose mother used to come up with schemes on how they could meet.

“I used to paint. I was an oil painter,” she disclosed. “And she would always say ‘If you would just paint a portrait of Ellen and send it to her, I’m sure that she would have you as a guest on the show.'”

Samberg, Timberlake, Aykroyd and Martin Blow Their Loads on ‘SNL’

It's a date snlAndy Samberg was greeted with hoots and hollers from the audience when he returned to the Saturday Night Live stage for a dating show skit with host, musical guest, and fictional husband Justin Timberlake.

“It’s a Date,” the follow-up to “Dick in a Box,” “Motherlover,” and “3-Way (The Golden Rule),” paired the sleazy R&B crooners with iconic foreign “wild and crazy guys” Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd. The duos competed for the affection of a woman who ends up blowing off the one normal contestant (Bobby Moynihan) for a tryst with all four socially inept horndogs.  Continue reading “Samberg, Timberlake, Aykroyd and Martin Blow Their Loads on ‘SNL’”

Dennis Rodman Wants Obama and Kim Jong-un to Bond Over Basketball

Dennis Rodman Kim Jong Un drinkingBROMANCE ALERT. Dennis Rodman is back from his trip to North Korea where he and the Harlem Globetrotters were allowed to meet with “lifelong” basketball fan Kim Jong-un, son of former nightmarish dictator (and butt of lesbian jokes) Kim Jong-il.

In an interview with George Stephanopoulos on ABC, Rodman, who seems to have picked up a Barbados accent during his travels, tried his hand at foreign affairs, pleading for the president to have a talk with his new best friend.

“He wants Obama to do one thing: Call him,” the five-time NBA championship ring-holder told Stephanopoulos, adding that Kim does not want to “do war.”  Continue reading “Dennis Rodman Wants Obama and Kim Jong-un to Bond Over Basketball”

Justin Bieber Sings, Flashes Abs and Makes Beliebers Laugh on SNL

Justin bieber abs SNL You know what the gym rats say. “Having abs because you’re skinny is like having big boobs because you’re fat.”

And it’s true. After a week of rehearsal, Justin Bieber brought his puny, effeminate Ken doll/Vanilla Ice lookin’ frame to Rockefeller Center for Saturday Night Live.

The monologue had me wishing Whoopi Goldberg, who made a cameo for Black History Month, had strangling-length dreads.

Here’s the issue. Justin didn’t try to be funny because he knows he doesn’t have to for his fans to say it was amazeballs. His mental and physical growth has been stunted by fame. Those vocals too. I mean, with that perma-cold, I could sing just as well.

Continue reading “Justin Bieber Sings, Flashes Abs and Makes Beliebers Laugh on SNL”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-9-13]

Justin Bieber Lorne Michaels“Thank u Lauren ur the man” – Justin Bieber, to SNL’s Lorne Michaels (Huffington Post)

Emma Watson heroically defends Kristen Stewart in Vanity Fair Italy. (Gossip Cop)

I really hope Kim and Kanye didn’t get “rained on” in Brazil. (Celebuzz/Gawker)

Grey Gardens available for rent. Ghost of Little Edie and racooons included. (CNBC)

That GoDaddy nerd is really making the rounds, in Jay Leno‘s mouth. (ohmyGAHH!)

Charlie Sheen begs for murdering ex-LAPD officer Christopher Dorner to call him. (TMZ)

Once Upon a Time actress Ginnifer Goodwin flosses twice a week, loves Listerine. (Evil Beet)

SNL Covers Claire Danes’ Wobbly Chin and Damian Lewis’ Voice in ‘Homeland’ Spoof

Yesterday’s episode of Saturday Night Live was mostly delightful partly in thanks to a parody (watch HERE) of Showtime’s CIA/terrorist thriller Homeland, which won three Emmys in September, including Best Drama.

Host Anne Hathaway presented us with a hilariously over-the-top caricature of Carrie Mathison, the highly intuitive but emotionally disturbed agent played by Claire Danes on the hit show.

Bill Hader acted as subtle Saul Berenson, while Taram Killam did an accurate voice portrayal of Mathison’s ginger nemesis and part-time lover, Damian Lewis.  Continue reading “SNL Covers Claire Danes’ Wobbly Chin and Damian Lewis’ Voice in ‘Homeland’ Spoof”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [10-22-12]

Watch Bruno Mars‘ spot-on impression of Michael Jackson on SNL. (Gossip Cop)

Jennifer Esposito calls out CBS for mistreating her on Blue Bloods set. (Yahoo!)

Showtime orders third season of terrorist drama Homeland. (Huffington Post)

Paranormal Activity 3 made $30.2 million dollars at the box office. (ohmyGAHH!)

Did pop/folk darling Mandy Moore get botox and plastic surgery? (Radar)

Snooki‘s sunless tanning products are a sign of the end of times. (Bitten and Bound)

Instructional video on how to pick up (and throw) a girl at the gym. (Gawker)

John Mayer dresses like potato-chinned hillbilly vampire hunter for Halloween. (Evil Beet)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Spoofs ‘Magic Mike’

Tumblr is lighting up with GIFs of Joseph Gordon-Levitt‘s second visit to NBC Studios for Saturday Night Live because of a half-naked tribute to Magic Mike.

“You know what my favorite superhero movie of the summer was? Magic Mike. I’m serious, my friend Channing Tatum was so good in that…”  Continue reading “Joseph Gordon-Levitt Spoofs ‘Magic Mike’”