Snooki and Elizabeth Berkeley Are Taking ‘Dancing With The Stars’ By Storm

Snooki showgirls Elzabeth BerkeleyThe cast of season 17 of Dancing With The Stars was announced today, and while it included semi-knowns like Billy Nye, Leah Remini, Jack Osbourne and Amber Riley, I only care about two names…

Snooki and freaking Elizabeth Berkeley! Yes. This means that my dream of the Notorious Tan Midget hanging out with a real giant (sorry JWoww) is about to come true.

At 5’10”, Elizabeth Berkeley (of Saved by the Bell fame), stands a foot and two inches above Snooki, who is 4’8″.

They will become lifelong friends, starting with getting drunk on the Jersey pier and yelling lines from the Showgirls script at each other. I never watch this shitty show and I don’t plan on it now, but I will keep my eyes on Ms. Polizzi’s Twitter and Instagram for photos of them tearing it up.

Women in Dubai are Bumping and Poofing Under Their Scarves

Camel Hump hairI pity your funny bone if you never saw the God-awful infomercial for Bumpits, catered to women who want to look like Nancy Grace, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, or any lady from a 90’s soap opera.

In it, we hear a woman screaming bloody murder as a voiceover asks if you’re tired of “flat, boring hairstyles.” It’s almost better than Shake Weight and Ahh Bra. Mostly because leaving the “p” out  of “bump” and “its” literally spells “BUM-PITS.”

Like your bum is a pit, or your pit is a bum. Get away from me. You smell.

Now that we’ve covered all that (and because I live to bring you the latest trends from around the world), let me tell you about how Dubai women are taking big hair to new levels.

(If you haven’t figured out by now that they’re using makeshift Bumpits, we can’t be friends.) Continue reading “Women in Dubai are Bumping and Poofing Under Their Scarves”

Emilia Clarke and Five Other Entertainers Who Look Stunning Without Makeup

Emilia Clarke no makeup
Brunette Emilia Clarke, best known as Daenerys of House Targaryen on Game of Thrones, posted this beautiful bare-faced photo to her personal Facebook page 4/09/13.
Rihanna no makeup
Rihanna, who prefers bright lipstick to excessive foundation and eyeliner, often gives fans a glimpse of her natural self on Instagram.
Demi Lovato no makeup
The X-Factor judge and “Heart Attack” singer Demi Lovato encouraged her Twitter followers to “be brave” and take off their makeup earlier this month. Continue reading “Emilia Clarke and Five Other Entertainers Who Look Stunning Without Makeup”

Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3

Jimmy Kimmel released his third “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” segment on Tuesday to commemorate the six-year anniversary of Twitter existing.

The first two featured recent guests like Justin Bieber, Anna Faris, Snooki, Kristen Stewart and Katy Perry reading grammatically questionable Tweets attacking their character, appearance, and/or career.

Continue reading “Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3”

Snooki Got a Tattoo of a Flying, Crown-Wearing Leopard

Snooki leopard tattoo Snooki got a sixth ink blotch last week in L.A. at The Marlett Tattoo Parlor after taping the last ever Jersey Shore reunion.

On her blog, she says that no one but Jionni had previously seen the “fierce” tattoo, which represents her being an independent woman who loves leopard prints.

“The crown represents being a queen and being fabulous, and the wings represent everyone who has passed in my family. Anytime I can incorporate my loved ones who have passed, I do it!” 

Alright, alright Snooki, try not to be too excited. There’s a social barometer I think that says you can’t use exclamation points when talking about dead people.

Question… isn’t a flying leopard basically just the Wal-Mart/Claire’s Accessories version of a Griffin?

Twisted Flashback: 5 Most Memorable Celebrity Moments of 2012

Biggest stories of 2012 I like to reminisce about all sorts of thing…. the time I ate a pizza that could easily have fed three John Goodmans, that other time I stepped in a red ant nest and vowed to never put on a dress again, and all the times celebrities wore dresses but forgot underwear.

(Anne Hathaway, thank you for showing me that vaginas can look just as anorexic as collar bones).

Continue reading “Twisted Flashback: 5 Most Memorable Celebrity Moments of 2012”

‘Jersey Shore’ Series Finale Means More Spinoffs For Snooki, JWoww, Vinny and Pauly

Snooki and Jwoww season 2The 71st and final episode of Jersey Shore aired on Thursday, Dec. 20 and means the beginning of the end of eight careers, a process that is set in motion by MTV spinoff shows for the more marketable cast members.

A trailer for Control The Crazy author and Jersey Shore Shark Attack star Vinny Guadagnino’s “hybrid talk/reality series” called The Show With Vinny aired during the reunion.

The sneak peek revealed that celebrities (like Lil’ Wayne) will be embarrassed by his uncle Nino joining him and his crazy family for dinner in Staten Island.  Continue reading “‘Jersey Shore’ Series Finale Means More Spinoffs For Snooki, JWoww, Vinny and Pauly”

The Shore House Is ‘Still Standing’ After Hurricane Sandy

I’ve heard of homes flooded with four feet of water, childhood items ruined in basements, seen photos of a river rushing down Wall Street, abandoned Subway stations and submerged Yellow Cabs.

Hurricane Sandy-related property damages are estimated at around $20 billion but I’m still somehow not surprised that the place Snooki, JWoww, Pauly D, The Situation and the gang called home is intact.

Continue reading “The Shore House Is ‘Still Standing’ After Hurricane Sandy”

Your Daily Snooki (Why Can’t This Be A Reality?)

Calm down. I’m not actually going to post about Snooki every single day. I unofficially almost do that anyway, so there’s no need for an announcement.

There is a need however, for Snooki and Lindsay Lohan to run for president and VP, though I really think Snooki’s name should be on top. We all know Lindsay would turn the Oval Office into a meth lab, whereas Snooki would merely replace the flags with Leopard print throws.

Anyway, I’m a big fan and feel the need to summarize her life. Jersey Shore is back for its final season and pregnant Snooki (who is partially responsible for this being the last season) moved out of the shore house because she couldn’t get a good night’s sleep with all the hooting and hollering and smooshing. Cutie McSausage is still on the show, just not in the house.

Continue reading “Your Daily Snooki (Why Can’t This Be A Reality?)”

First Non-Oscured Photos Of Snooki’s Hairy Baby!

Snooki sold her soul to MTV, and now she has sold her baby to People Magazine. Photos of her baby, Lorenzo Dominic LaValle, that is. Looks like your run-of-the-mill half-Chilean half-Italian baby to me…

Nicole even put some tiny red white and green shoes on the little meatball to represent her adopted parents and husband’s heritage.  Continue reading “First Non-Oscured Photos Of Snooki’s Hairy Baby!”

It’s The End Of An Era, ‘Jersey Shore’ Cancelled After Six Seasons

MTV has announced that Jersey Shore‘s sixth season, premiering October 4, will be its conclusion. As in, series finale.

No more gym tan laundry sex, no more Situation lifting up his shirt to remind women that he’s not a potato nailed to a Hollister mannequin, no more silicon JWoww blueprint in the mirror, no more bar fights or juicehead chest-beating…

Of course there’s always The Real World and Bad Girls Club if you are missing the fights THAT bad.

And of course Snooki will always be available to you, if you want her to be. She’s like Tinkerbell, if you clap for her (and by clap I mean follow on Twitter) she won’t die. Also, her birth will be televised on Snooki & JWoww.  Continue reading “It’s The End Of An Era, ‘Jersey Shore’ Cancelled After Six Seasons”

Cloudy With A 200% Chance Of Meatballs: Snooki Had A Baby!

Last I heard, Nicole Polizzi was in a hospital in lovely Livingston, New Jersey giving birth to a penne noodle covered in orange sauce. No, she isn’t battling a severe bout of dysentery or opening a Chinese/Italian fusion restaurant…

By now (seven days before labor day), Snooki and her 5’3″ off-duty lifeguard Jionni have welcomed a baby juicehead named Lorenzo into the world!

I imagine that everyone’s favorite sausage in a leopard-print dress is flashing a camera in her baby’s sensitive placental expulsion-covered face with intentions to sell the photos to People or Us Weekly in exchange for gumball machine coins.

Rihanna Is Happy For Snooki, Says All Women Are ‘Reproductive Machines’

Rihanna bestie Katy Perry may have competition in Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. In March the Barbadian pop star told Access Hollywood:

“Snooki, I mean she’s awesome. I’m so happy for her it’s shocking to the world she has a baby because we’ve now perceived her as this character but she’s really a human being, she’s a grown woman. And women have kids, we’re reproductive machines, that’s what we’re here for.”

This is why people are sometimes on the fence about Rihanna. She acts like there’s nothing wrong with being club friends with her violent ex-boyfriend who made her face look like a halved pomegranate AND she talks about women as if they’re robotic baby factories.  Continue reading “Rihanna Is Happy For Snooki, Says All Women Are ‘Reproductive Machines’”

I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!

The vodka prenatal vitamin guzzling queen of the Jersey Shore has sold her “big Snooki interview” (as they not-so-subtly stamped on their cover) to In Touch where she revealed the sex of her baby with Jionni LaValle.

Now, depending on dominant genes, this baby could end up looking like either Mark Consuelos (he’s half-Italian half-Latino just like their baby will be), or James Gandolfini, just because.

Their baby could grow up to be so many things… a firefighter like Snooki’s dad, a wrestler like Jionni’s relatives or a reality television star, like mom.

“Everyone said I was going to have a boy, and they were right!” Snooki told the magazine. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls, it’s still my baby, no matter what.” The couple is deciding on two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr.  Continue reading “I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!”

Snooki Is Craving Health Food? Hmmm…

In between tweeting photos of her cats and boyfriend Snooki took the time to discuss her baby, jovially responding to people who tell her that her baby is going to be the antichrist and sharing the information:

“I’m craving a lot of fruits! No fatty foods wohoo! I love being pregnant!” And “I love grapes.” 

When asked if she was craving pickles more than ever she replied, “Nope. Don’t want ’em.”

Could it be? The more junk food you eat while not pregnant the less you crave it when you’re knocked up? No, but I wish.

I’d become pregnant for a month or two and abort the damn thing. I’d basically be on a diet forever if I could repeat the process every few months.  Continue reading “Snooki Is Craving Health Food? Hmmm…”

MTV Buckles Down For Sober Situation And Mother Snookeresa

Jersey Shore fans, get ready for some news to quake your kooka. All you spray-tan loving, stupidity voyeurism-addiction-having motherfuckers better prepare for some new cast members as the show ‘transitions into a new generation.’

According to TMZ, MTV network executives are searching for fresh talent to incorporate into seasons six and seven. The production company behind the runaway exploitative hit, 495, look to limit The Situation and Snooki’s roles in light of their recent life changes.

Mike Sorrentino will likely be sober or at least keeping a TV facade of sobriety while Snooki prepares to breastfeed pour White Russians directly into her baby’s mouth. (Speculation)

Snooki Is Pregnant And Engaged FOR SURE

The Chilean volcano is pregnant with a little Snookerita! Us Weekly has confirmed the story in their latest issue.

Twenty four year-old Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is around four months pregnant and engaged to the baby daddy, boyfriend of one and a half years, Jionni LaValle.

“I have different priorities now,” Snooki tells the mag,“I don’t care what anybody else thinks. As long as I know I’m ready and he’s ready.”

She found out right after New Years and admits to being concerned because she was pounding a giant wheelbarrow full of booze at the time. Her first thought:

“Shit, I’ve been drinking!’ I was worried. It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.”  Continue reading “Snooki Is Pregnant And Engaged FOR SURE”