This Just In: Snooki Is My Surrogate!

I’m just putting this out there, I mean, you guys may not believe me but it’s completely within the realm of reality. Even though I live exactly 2,902 miles away, I am the real mother of Snooki’s baby.

Not only that, but the fact that she is parading around trying to sell the story to various magazines as if it is her baby, is morally irresponsible and quite painful for me to witness.

The truth of the matter is, I allowed this to happen. She’s the one paying me! Yeah. Three months ago Snooki and I made a blood pact that seemed like a win win. A doctor injected her with my eggs plus leopard sperm that I illegally acquired from the nature conservancy. Continue reading “This Just In: Snooki Is My Surrogate!”

Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary February

Oh Snooki how I’ve missed you. I keep forgetting to fix my DVR settings and tape Jersey Shore, last I saw she was peeing on the floor of some club and unabashedly talking UTIs.

Today I spent some time scrolling through her Twitter, a task that I do not consider a chore. I will now attempt to teach you all the things I learned. But where do I start? How about where I left off.

Though she has three cats her favorite by far is the orange tabby, Rocky, whom she would “die for” and refers to as her “boyfriend.” The other two, Vito and Tommy, are also never far from her NY side.

She watched the Super Bowl with Jwoww, sporting matching Giants Jerseys even though she admits to being more of a baseball/Mets fan because of her grandfather.  Continue reading “Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary February”

Snooki With No Makeup! Still Looks Chilean Volcanotastic

Any excuse to write about Snooki and I am there like hair on a Skyrim mammoth. Random unrelated Skyrim question – why can you not collect the pelt of a mammoth? If the game lets you take the fur from rabbits, foxes, bears, wolves and more then why not medieval elephants for Azura’s sake!??

Back to Snooki, who has about as much to do with Skyrim as I do with relevant, intelligent journalism….She snapped two pictures of herself with not a stitch of makeup on and looks great, better in fact than when she slaps on fake Charo eyelashes and green eyeshadow.

Continue reading “Snooki With No Makeup! Still Looks Chilean Volcanotastic”

Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary Dec/Jan

If I had to pick one celebrity to stalk I’d pick Snooki without hesitation. If you’re going to talk about a famous person who involves their fans in their life, it doesn’t get much better than Nicole Polizzi. This month she reached four million Twitter followers, which is twice as many as her fellow Jersey Shore castmates who harbor about one or two million each.

Her charisma and public persona are the exact reason. She’s a person who uses Social media to her absolute advantage, and her fans love her in turn for constantly keeping them up to date on her every waking move.

Do I check her Twitter every day or even every week? No. But like every fascinated American teen to twenty-something, I watch Jersey Shore. I am also greatly amused by her feed and multiple daily posts, which I like to overload on all at once, every few months.

Continue reading “Snooki’s Monthly Twitter Summary Dec/Jan”

Ho Motherfuckin’ Ho, Have A Very Snooki Christmas

The Home Shopping Network has done it again, along with their tacky collection of items “inspired by The Helpand “The Mariah Carey Collection,” you can buy Snooki, The Situation and Pauly D Christmas ornaments!

I advise against actually buying this stuff unless it’s for a white elephant party or any type of joke. Besides, you can’t anyway, because they’re sold out.

The ornaments were made available for purchase earlier in November as part of “A Very Snooki Holiday Gift Special,” which included perfume, sunglasses, handbags “Crocodilly” replicas and slippers. (Still no furry boots)

Continue reading “Ho Motherfuckin’ Ho, Have A Very Snooki Christmas”

Snooki Willingly Puts Cat Litter On Her Dorito-Colored Face

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s second book (she’s already written a third) hit shelves and the New York Times Bestseller list on October 25th, and it is just full of informative tidbits that will intrigue you and/or prolong your life.

First of all Confessions of a Guidette, reveals that the tiny tiny carrot-skinned queen of the Jersey Shore puts wet cat litter on her face in times of need. “If I can’t get to a spa, I’ll put kitty litter on my face.”

Also, she lists jellybeans and spiders as two of the seven things she hates the most and she’s an expert on electronic music. She writes, “If a guidette calls house techno, you’re a wannabe, get real, you know nothing.”

Continue reading “Snooki Willingly Puts Cat Litter On Her Dorito-Colored Face”

Why Is Snooki Still Dating That Jionni Guy?

After watching last night’s episode of Jersey Shore (season four, episode eight), I have to wonder why that adorable Chilean volcano sub sandwich is still dating that horribly unfun steroid pumpkin Jionni? During the episode, Jionni finally came to visit Nicole in Italy (taped in early 2011) and naturally she was as ecstatic as a 4’9″ guidette can be.

She immediately brought him to the smoosh/GTL impregnation room while he complained about wanting to “shower” in a high-pitched voice. Later, the whole group embarked on their usual quest to the Italian discotheque scene, wandering on cobblestones in high heels and gold and silver sneakers.

Snooki got all dressed up, in what Ronnie described as simply “a swimsuit…”

Continue reading “Why Is Snooki Still Dating That Jionni Guy?”

Snooki’s Ed Hardy Decal, I Mean Tattoo

My favorite little 4’9″ meatball got a new tattoo on her right arm, a “crown cross and hello kitty bowl,” as she puts it. It’s kind of large and I’m not really a big fan of tattoos especially this kind.

It looks like it came from a Bret Michaels sticker book…

Continue reading “Snooki’s Ed Hardy Decal, I Mean Tattoo”

Snooki Wanted To Be Doused In Pickle Juice

August 30, 2011 Jersey Shore cast member Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi visited the Jay Leno show and casually explained how she nearly decided to have her new perfume smell exactly like pickles.

Remember those Lay’s Pickle Chips that seem a little elusive these days? It would be like when you eat those chips and the pickle dust gets all over your hands. Or like a pickle juice shower? One I imagine Britney Spears taking during pregnancy.

Snooki axed the idea after she realized that it was ‘gross’ and “Smelled like pickles and grass,” deciding instead to go with “Flirty and bubbly…and obviously DTF.” (Like her personality)

Continue reading “Snooki Wanted To Be Doused In Pickle Juice”

Snooki Always Wears Furry Boots And I 100% Encourage It

I watch Jersey Shore pretty religiously, it’s a sickness of epic proportions that the whole country seems afflicted with. I’ve noticed during my many hours spent with my unhinged deer-eyes glued to the screen that the miniature Chilean volcano Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi only wears furry boots!

I am here to inform all women that do not meet the 5’4″ height requirement to wear furry boots at all times! Black ones, brown ones, white ones, yellow, whatever you can get your little smokies on.

I find it very cute and endearing and I want to hire you furry-footed midgets to stand in my living room as decoration while I watch Jersey Shore and you read me archived scripts from JS.


[Also, check out Deena and JWoww taking style notes from Snooki Stackhouse]

Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere, Recap! (Snooki’s Workout + Jwoww’s Botox)

That’s right, tonight was a very special night. Another important moment in nothingness. Season four of Jersey Shore has finally arrived. The show premiered in Italy with many questions to be answered. Well, honestly, I had no questions. I knew that 1. there will be a car accident. 2. The cast is just as stupid in Italy as in America. And 3. everyone is going to “smush.”

The show starts out in the unfiltered smog of America’s poorly-aged butthole err garden state, NJ. Nothing interesting happens until the boys and girls, Mike “The Situation,” Jenni “Jwoww” Farley, Vinny, Pauly D, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Ronnie and Sammi “Sweetheart” arrive in their new foreign home. Like everything else on the show, the new house looks like an imitation. A cheesy high-school project idea of what Italy would be. Marble, statues and pillars with red and yellow paint tossed in for good measure.

Continue reading “Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere, Recap! (Snooki’s Workout + Jwoww’s Botox)”