Sofia Vergara, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven Read Mean Tweets

Julia Roberts mean tweetIn Jimmy Kimmal’s latest edition of celebs reading outrageous tweets about themsevles, Courtney Cox gets called a “p*ssy hoe” while Kit Harrington is a “big bitch” and Julia Roberts simply has gaping lips that swallow 10,000-pound African land mammals whole.

Users also wonder why Sofia Vergara talks “like she has a d*ck in her mouth” and say they hope Jeremy Piven’s falls off in public, so I was thinking to save time his d*ck could fall off and land in Sofia Vergara’s mouth during the day on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while Emma Stone, who reeks of cat piss, videotapes it and Gary Oldman narrates.  Continue reading “Sofia Vergara, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven Read Mean Tweets”

Teaser Trailer: Machete Kills

Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez and Jessica Alba are back for Machete Kills, the anticipated sequel to 2010’s Machete directed by Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk Till Dawn, Sin City, Planet Terror).

New crazed/cartoonish faces include Mel Gibson, Amber Heard, Antonio Banderas, Lady Gaga, Cuba Gooding Jr.,  Sofia Vergara and Charlie Sheen (billed as “Carlos Estevez”). Plot details, from G4:

William Sadler’s small town sheriff gets an all-too-critical call from the U.S. President to release Machete. (Who he took into custody without the use of Extremis.) It seems the President has a mission for Machete to take down an evil arms dealer played by a more sane version of Mel Gibson.

MACHETE KILLSLady Gaga Machete

Teenage ‘Modern Family’ Star Makes More in One Year Than You Will in Four Lifetimes

Rico Rodriguez glasses Rico Rodriguez has come a long way since the pre-Modern Family days of bit parts on Cory in the House and iCarly.

14-year-old Rodriguez’s new contract entitles him to over $75,000 per episode for his work as Manny Delgado on ABC’s hit show in the current fourth season and an additional $10,000 per episode for each year the show continues.

You know what this means? The kid gets paid around $2 million a year to look deep into the mesmerizing koi pond known as Sofia Vergara’s boobs.

(I don’t understand the popularity of this show, but it at least seems better than Two and a Half Men.)

Here’s Why Sofia Vergara’s Holiday-Themed Fights Are Better Than Halle Berry’s…

Sofia Vergara boob fell outSofia Vergara was involved in fight at a club on New Year’s Eve that was mildly reminiscent of the Gabriel Aubry/Olivier Martinez brawl, except not because Sofia Vergara wasn’t hiding in a corner applying hair gel like a pansy (Halle)…

Sofia’s hothead boyfriend Nick Loeb was reportedly tense because of the male attention Sofia was (/is always) receiving from “a friend.” Later, Loeb got into a physical altercation with some folks at a nearby VIP table.

It wouldn’t be a news-worthy Vergara moment if a body part didn’t burst out of her dress, and that’s exactly what happened when she tried to get involved.

Continue reading “Here’s Why Sofia Vergara’s Holiday-Themed Fights Are Better Than Halle Berry’s…”

Happy Halloween! Here’s Miley as Nicki Minaj, Ellen as Sofia Vergara and me as Bill Clinton

Miley Cyrus as Nicki Minaj? Worst Halloween present ever, right? It’s not my fault. I know what today is really about, and so do you.

It’s about Diabetes, whores wearing angel wings, pumpkin seeds, parties where the sluttiest angel wing-wearing whore is awarded a cash prize, horror movies, and celebrities dressed like other celebrities. That’s it, right?

As a child I enjoyed squirting fake ink at strangers and dipping my bacteria-ridden hands into plastic pumpkins full of miniature Kit Kats held out by neighbors who wished they could get their $10 spent on chocolate back for a cheap bottle of whiskey.

Continue reading “Happy Halloween! Here’s Miley as Nicki Minaj, Ellen as Sofia Vergara and me as Bill Clinton”

Sofia Vergara’s Ass Fell Out At The Emmys

This year’s Emmys were pretty boring. Mad Men and Girls were snubbed while Modern Family won five statues.

HBO’s Game Change, starring Julianne Moore as Sara Palin, took home four.

In dress news Claire Danes wore a bag (because she’s pregnant), and Lucy Liu wore Versace armor but the biggest, least boring thing to happen was Sofia Vergara‘s behind-the-scenes wardrobe malfunction.

“Yes!!!! This happend 20 min before we won!!!! Jajajajja. I luv my life!!!!” Vergara wrote on WhoSay with an accompanying photo of her ripped green dress, then another of an “emergency team” frantically pinning it together.  Continue reading “Sofia Vergara’s Ass Fell Out At The Emmys”

Sofia Vergara For InStyle, April 2012

Sofia Vergara seems like the busiest woman alive. Pepsi spokeswoman, Modern Family vixen, movie star and upcoming host of Saturday Night Live‘s April 7 episode with musical boy band guest One Direction.

On top of all that, she does her fair share of interviews and editorials, the most recent is with InStyle – on hating math and water and having a makeup fixation.

Her favorite mindless TV show: “I watch ‘Revenge.’ It’s a soap opera but so classy – and everyone is beautiful.”

On School: “I always hated Math. The moment I run out of fingers, I can’t count anymore.”

The perfect date: “A great date? Dinner and a movie. Or sports, watched in the venue, not on TV. No canoes. No water. Nothing to mess up the hair.”  Continue reading “Sofia Vergara For InStyle, April 2012”