Adrian Peterson Beat His Son With a Stick

ADrian peterson number 28More trouble for the NFL: Adrian Peterson went WAY too far disciplining his four-year-old son and is being taken to court in Houston for child abuse that occurred earlier this year.

According to documents, the well-known Vikings running back hit the child with a tree branch, causing bleeding and bruising to his back, legs, scrotum, hands and buttocks because he “pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game.”

As a firm believer is not beating the shit out of children, I find this story especially disturbing. For one, my Mom never instilled harsher punishment than a time-out, a stern talking to, chores or revoking of privileges.

I’ve never felt right telling other people not to spank their kids, but this kind of punishment is absolutely unacceptable and one of the many reasons I would never feel right even attempting physical discipline.

Here’s why… Adrian Peterson’s lawyer has released a statement saying:

It is important to remember that Adrian never intended to harm his son and deeply regrets the unintentional injury.

So apparently, once his son was screaming and/or crying and putting his hands up to defend himself, Peterson realized that he might have gone a little overboard?  Continue reading “Adrian Peterson Beat His Son With a Stick”

Driver Who Left Tracy Morgan and Ardie Fuqua in Critical Condition Identified, Charged

Tracy Morgan Performs At Seminole Casino Coconut CreekThe driver of a Walmart truck on the New Jersey Turnpike who rear-ended a limo bus full of comedians on Saturday is being held on 1 count of death by auto and 4 counts of assault by auto.

James McNair, 63, a known to some as “Jimmy Mack” or “Uncle Jimmy Mack” was pronounced dead in a wreck that involved 6 other vehicles, leaving Tracy Morgan, his opening act, Ardie Fuqua, and their tour manager in critical condition. Fellow opener Harris Stanton left the hospital and is home safe.

Kevin Roper, the man responsible for the accident’s bail has been set to $50,000 and faces 5 to 10 years in jail if recklessness – likely in the form of sleep deprivation – is proven.

I know everyone is praying very hard for Tracy Morgan, but I’d like to urge you all to direct equal attention to his lesser-known companions. Not much is known about their tour manager, but Fuqua has already lived through a serious tragedy.  Continue reading “Driver Who Left Tracy Morgan and Ardie Fuqua in Critical Condition Identified, Charged”

Megan Fox Names Baby ‘Bodhi Ransom’

Megan Fox and sonThis week we learned that super secretive parentals Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green named their second child Bodhi. Bodhi Ransom Green, if we’re being formal. “Bodhi” is a Buddhist word for understanding or enlightenment.

Teresa Palmer (the K-Stewy/Amber Heardlike blonde from Warm Bodies and Take Me Home Tonight) also JUST named her kid Bodhi Rain, so maybe the two babies can fight to the hypothetical death via cut-up hotdog eating or breakdancing contest the way Suri and Shiloh should have.

Perhaps Megan could enlighten us on the secret of being rail thin and making babies that aren’t stillborn?  Continue reading “Megan Fox Names Baby ‘Bodhi Ransom’”

Olympian Tom Daley and Actress Maria Bello Casually Step of the Closet


In totally unsurprising and then slightly surprising news, Olympic diver Tom Daley and Maria Bello (played the wife in A History of Violence and replaced Rachel Weisz in the last Mummy movie) both announced that they are in same-sex relationships this weekend.

Daley – a Tumblr-favorite and teen icon in his own right – has had gay rumors swirling around him like a tornado since we first heard his name, but I’m less in tune (and therefore more interested) in the personal life of Bello.

In a touching article for The New York Times, Bello described a discussion she had with her 12-year-old son about romance. When she decided to tell him that her partner was a woman, he sweetly replied, “Mom, love is love, whatever you are.” Excerpt:

From left: Maria, Dan McDermott, Jack and Clare Munn

I loved him so much for saying that. “But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”

She went on to say that her, her ex, their son and her partner Clare live in complete harmony. In the piece entitled “Coming Out as a Modern Family,” she writes that they all have dinner together every night and carpool to soccer tournaments.  Continue reading “Olympian Tom Daley and Actress Maria Bello Casually Step of the Closet”

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom Remain Best Friends After Breakup

Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom 2013 Promising news for those of you wondering if you can ever actually stay friends with your ex: super mature and beautiful former couple Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom were seen strolling around the chilly streets of New York laughing arm-in-arm with their two-year-old son in tow just days after the world wept over their split.

The Aussie model whose boobs famously lagged out of her shirt earlier this year and British star of nothing recent confirmed the amicable separation on Thursday.

“Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family,” a joint statement released to E! by Bloom’s rep read.  Continue reading “Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom Remain Best Friends After Breakup”

America’s Sweetheart Sandra Bullock Gets Oh So Bony for Halloween

Sandra Bullock halloween costumeSandra Bullock took her adorable son Louis trick or treating over the weekend. Him in a simple, store-bought cloth skeleton getup and her in this very elaborate winged Dia de los Muertos wedding dress complete with terrifying face paint.

They say there’s a first time for everything, like being scared of Sandra Bullock, which seems reasonable considering she looks like a Mexican version of The Crow.

I always forget which celebrities have Halloween spirit boners until October rolls around and they all pop out with their elaborate bazillion dollar outfits. With the exception of Heidi Klum, the quintessential evil German queen of  the damned.

P.S. I saw that blasted Carrie remake instead of Gravity and am regretting it. I thought I didn’t need to see Pillsbury spacesuit Sandra panicking in slow motion on the big screen, as if I needed to see a preppy daddy’s girl stab a pig. (The mom cuts herself, everyone dies. The end.)

Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall

best William and Kate photosSo I was sitting with my mom in my apartment with CNN muted in the background while she checked her email, and upon glancing at the TV and seeing a segment on Kate Middleton’s labor, she goes, “People have been giving birth for centuries, what’s the big deal?”

As I watched her shake her head in that effectively unimpressed way that only a feisty mother can, I thought about how right she was.

Every time someone throws confetti and cigars and baby-proofing items at the sky lords just because some baby successfully slid out of some woman I lose my wings.

And that’s exactly who Kate Middleton is. Some woman. And Prince William is some man who shot a load into that specific woman making a human being that could either be a huge disappointment or a minor success in the form of someone who doesn’t cheat on his taxes or ignore elderly street-crossing ladies.  Continue reading “Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall”

This is Adele’s Baby and This is Her New Tattoo

first pic of adeles babyYES I’m avoiding talking about Jessica Simpson’s new baby Ace Knute, future best friend of Jason Lee’s son Pilot Inspektor, to discuss Adele and her son. This because non-talented, unintelligent Jessica seems like a Pez dispenser of children despite only having two and I’m just plain sick of reading about her and her protruding stomach.

Onto the beloved siren of the Southern England, second-in-command at the Order of Break-Up Anthem High Priestesses above Swift and below Morissette…

Mrs. Adkins, who does have the potential to become a sad log ride/dispenser since she once told Vogue UK “If I ever have children, I want five boys” (because girls don’t love their mothers and “can be so mean to each other”), recently took her son Angelo to drool, spit, poop, barf and cry in the general direction of polar bears and snow leopards at the zoo in Central Park, NYC.

Continue reading “This is Adele’s Baby and This is Her New Tattoo”

Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team

Monica and Jessica porn teamTwenty-two years ago, Jessica [insert-real-last-name-here] gave birth to Monica [insert-same-last-name-here], who ended up venturing into porn once she was of-age.

Monica, under the fresh new last name “Sexxxton,” re-defined Bring Your Mother to Work Day when she suggested that 50-something Jessica try it out. But not separately, because they wanted to spend quality time becoming “filthy rich,” so they made adult films together, and 100% legally according to Florida’s state incest laws, as the first and only real mother and daughter porn duo.

Gross beyond comprehension. Anyway, these two freaks are looking to amp it up a notch. After tag teaming many non-related men, Jessica and Monica are scouring the nation for a likeminded pair.

“It’s something we’ve considered for a while,” Jessica told HuffPost, on videotaping a session of her and her mom with an equally gonzo father and son. “We once dated brothers in real life on and off for a couple of years. They were closer to [Monica’s] age, but we haven’t done a father and son in real life or on camera.”

Continue reading “Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team”

Celine Dion’s Son Occasionally Dips Into Her Ginormous Shoe Collection

Celine Dion son heels Celine Dion’s kind of an enigma  huh? I mean, besides being mega successful, French-Canadian and married to an old dude, what do we really know about her?

Let me tell you. Celine revealed on Katie that she has not 1,000, not 2,000, but 3,000 pairs of shoes, and one of her twins (the ones that took a really long time to conceive because you know, old sperm) loves going into her closet to try them on. Adorable right?

And not a word about his sexuality or future as a drag queen. I don’t want to hear it.

He’s two and a half, the approximate age that children start imitating their parents. I’m sure if his mom was Paris Hilton he’d be popping Valtrex over webcam with the E-Trade baby.

With a name like Nelson (after Mandela), he better turn in those heels for a Nobel Peace Prize by four.

Is Halle Berry Too Old For Pregnancy, at 46? [POLL]

Halle Berry baby bumpHalle Berry’s rep confirmed on Friday that she was pregnant with her second child after “sources” leaked the story to TMZ and E! News. The question here seems to be, at age 46, is she “too old?”

I was adopted when my parents were in their early 30’s, which I think is fine.

Commonly, the pro for having a child at a later age is financial security. Plus you’ve had more time to grow as a person, which makes you less likely to “accidentally” flush your baby down the toilet or burn it in the microwave.

Sadly, she’ll be 64 when her son turns 18, around 70 when he graduates from college (assuming he goes right after high school) and dead 92 when he’s 46.  Continue reading “Is Halle Berry Too Old For Pregnancy, at 46? [POLL]”

Normally Intolerable Kobe Bryant Speaks Out Against Intolerance

Kobe Bryant Magic Johnson sonWant to know the one good thing about whiney, self-serving egomaniac Kobe Bryant besides his basketball skills…? He doesn’t completely hate the gays. 

In spite of using the word “faggot” on multiple occasions while arguing with referees, Kobe has come out in support of Magic Johnson’s gay son, or rather, Magic Johnson’s support for his gay son.

TMZ broke the story … Magic and Cookie are 100% behind their son, EJ, who is openly gay. Kobe tells us … “Of course Magic is supportive of and loves his son. Why should anyone be surprised?”

Kobe says, “What I can’t tolerate is a lack of tolerance.”  Continue reading “Normally Intolerable Kobe Bryant Speaks Out Against Intolerance”

Perez Hilton Blessed With the Birth of a Hairy Baby

Perez Hilton son After a semi-secret, four-year search for a surrogate mother, online entrepreneur Perez Hilton finally found a match and is now the proud father of a baby boy.

“I am ready to announce that earlier this month I was blessed with the birth of my first child, a beautiful and healthy baby boy – with lots of hair on his tiny head,” Hilton, real name Mario Lavandeira, wrote on his website yesterday afternoon.

Perez said in a 2009 interview with the Los Angeles Times that his “professional mom” Teresita Lavandeira would become a “professional grandmother” if he ever had kids. As in, no nanny.

A lot of people seemed really surprised by this news because he’s not exactly Donny Osmond-wholesome, but do I really need to remind you of all the less-worthy celebs who have children?

Continue reading “Perez Hilton Blessed With the Birth of a Hairy Baby”

Father of the Year to Luis Rivera For Exploiting Son on YouTube

Lil Poopy clubThere are bad parents out there, I know. There are parents who miss childhood milestones like graduations and dance recitals. There are parents who buy their kids liquor and let them throw huge parties at their houses because they want to be more of a friend to their children than an actual guardian. Some parents, I think, see children as more of an accessory than anything else. These are bad parents.

Then we have your terrible, god awful, I-can’t-believe-the-doctor-didn’t-sterilize-you-after-he-found-out-you-were-pregnant parents. These are the ones who obviously don’t give a shit about their kids.

You have your Joe Jacksons, your Kris Jenners, your Casey Anthonys. Now, you can add Luis Rivera, Sr. to that list.  Continue reading “Father of the Year to Luis Rivera For Exploiting Son on YouTube”

Michael Jackson’s Son is Going to be a Big Television Star

Prince Michael JacksonSoooo Michael Jackson’s 16-year-old son Prince just got a job with Entertainment Tonight, which is totally more prestigious than (but just as non-important as) Extra. Both shows hire weirdly interesting c-list, Surreal Life-worthy celebrities like Holly Madison and Robin Leach.

During his first gig interviewing Oz the Great and Powerful‘s James Franco, Sam Raimi and scrub Zach Braff, we learn that MJ Jr. has a pretty deep voice. Some fellow ET employee woman told him he seemed wise for his age and he grabbed his crotch, lit his hair on fire and screamed “Ehhh-heee” said it was all thanks to his dad.  Continue reading “Michael Jackson’s Son is Going to be a Big Television Star”

Snoop Dogg Gets High in Holland With Slacker Son

Snoop dogg son smokingA photo posted on Instagram shows Snoop Dogg sharing a blunt with his oldest son Corde Calvin Broadus in the car on the way to a show in Groningen, Holland on the 27th.

Snoop’s laid-back approach to parenting may not be the best thing for a budding athlete, seeing as Corde was offered a football scholarship to UCLA in June and reportedly dropped out to pursue a music career.

Now he has all the time in the world to smoke pot in the car and twiddle his dreadlocks while spitting “fuck the NCAA” rhymes.  Continue reading “Snoop Dogg Gets High in Holland With Slacker Son”

Kevin Federline’s Brother Says Britney Spears Stole His Credit Card and Had His Baby

Christopher FederlineThe National Enquirer is reporting an absolutely bonkers story about K-Fed’s surprisingly okay-looking brother Christopher and Britney Spears.

In papers filed earlier this month, Christopher Federline claims Britney stole his Capital One card out of his wallet to buy comics for her sons, one of whom Chris claims is his.

According to him, a temporary restraining order is necessary because they had sex seven years ago and she’s still terrorizing him by racking up over $4,000 in Betty Boop and Archie comics.

What an insensitive father. I mean, you’d think he wouldn’t mind her spoiling their son with G-rated reading material.  Continue reading “Kevin Federline’s Brother Says Britney Spears Stole His Credit Card and Had His Baby”