Adam Sandler Will Still Love Drew Barrymore When Her Boobs ‘Touch The Floor’

Adam Sandler Drew Barrymore tonight showThis generation’s g-spot crowd-pleaser, Jimmy Fallon, has been getting especially good guests since his switch from Late Night to The Tonight Show.

Following “Ew” with Michelle Obama and Will Ferrell (in drag) and History of Rap 5 with Justin Timberlake, Jimmy brought together Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore – who played lovers in The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates and Blended, set to release later this year – for a duet.

Barrymore and an adorably sloppy Sandler serenade each other in the “Every 10 Years Song,” and it’s super sweet considering Adam references her boobs and his boner.

Continue reading “Adam Sandler Will Still Love Drew Barrymore When Her Boobs ‘Touch The Floor’”

Video: Nina Nesbitt – Selfies

I know I’ll come off as a total asshat saying this, but I’m not so shabby at predicting fame. Like Lana Del Rey long before SNL, Emma Stone in Superbad, Cee Lo’s “F*ck You,” Ellie Goulding, Adele…

If I was fond of leaving the house I would pursue a career as a talent scout. (But I’d probably end up handing out flyers at the mall, luring raccoon-eyed saps to my fraudulent modeling agency.)
nina nesbitt selfies still Speaking of modeling and people who should be famous, Nina Nesbitt is really great. She’s a legitimate songwriter from Scotland who had a pretty big hit in the UK called “Stay Out.”  Continue reading “Video: Nina Nesbitt – Selfies”

Beyonce Wants Jay-Z to ‘Turn Her Cherry Out’ and ‘Lick Her Skittles’ in New Song

Beyonce partition video still underwearBeyonce randomly released a new self-titled album on Thursday on iTunes without promoting it or mentioning the release date prior.

There are also 17, count ’em, SEVENTEEN new music videos and everyone’s talking about how only she and a handful of other mega famous artists could pull off such ballsy move, but what they’re failing to mention is that the CD is super raunchy.

In the absolutely filthy “Blow,” Bey sings “Can you lick my Skittles, that’s the sweetest in the middle, pink that’s the flavor,” “I can’t wait ’til I get home so you can turn that cherry out” and “give me that daddy long stroke.” Continue reading “Beyonce Wants Jay-Z to ‘Turn Her Cherry Out’ and ‘Lick Her Skittles’ in New Song”

Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron

Kanye and Kim proposal
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are just soooo unconventional with this whole getting married after childbirth thing, because it’s always best not to rush things when you already have a baby together, right?

In true Kanye fashion, West hired a 50-piece orchestra to serenade her with a Keri Hilson song he’s featured on at AT&T Park in San Francisco while the words “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” scrolled across the jumbotron. The ring, seen above, is a 15-carat diamond designed by Lorraine Schwartz, who helped his buddy Jay-Z put a ring on Beyonce. (Blake Lively’s rock from Ryan Reynolds too.)  Continue reading “Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron”

R. Kelly Leaves Lasting Piss Stain on ARTPOP

Lady Gaga ass R. Kelly Speaking of asses, Lady Gaga duets with R. Kelly on her hotly anticipated third album, ARTPOP, in a song called “Do What U Want.”

If you’re asking “why?,” keep in mind that Gaga is like all perfectionist pop stars in that she doesn’t like being overshadowed by others. This is why she’s never toured with anyone particularly special, and, with the exception of Beyonce, collaborates with irrelevant weirdos like R. Kelly, New Kids on the Block and Colby O’Donis (“Just Dance”).

With lyrics about roughing up haters and not being sorry, the song is truly horrible.

My favorite part is the chorus, which goes something like “You can’t have my heart and you won’t use my mind, but do what you want with my body,” because it’s basically an open invitation for R. Kelly to open his fly and pee all over her sad white chest.

LISTEN: New Timberlake Single “TKO”

I was a little afraid to listen to Justin Timberlake’s new song mostly because the first part of The 20/20 Experience besides “Mirrors” and “Body Count” were pretty underwhelming, but it’s not bad at all.

(If you know me at all, you know that “not bad” is my Daria-esque way of saying that I love it and am currently dancing in circles to it until I projectile vomit on the three perplexed cats that are watching me waiting for me to die so they can eat me.)  Continue reading “LISTEN: New Timberlake Single “TKO””

Frank Ocean Lays the Lyrical Smack Down on Chris Brown

Slightly tired of people writing songs about Chris Brown being an asshole instead of hitting him so hard that his teeth and tattoos fall off, but I guess Frank Ocean’s remix of “Versace” by Migos will have to do.

You all remember when Chris got into Frank’s face over a parking spot then Frank won a Grammy and Chris didn’t stand up because he was lime green jello?

I mean, I can’t hate on Ocean for turning at Taylor Swift Ln and Adele Pkwy because the line “I’m not Liberace/you could stay seated I’m taking that Grammy/your music is sloppy” is just too good and venting frustrations through art is mature high road-taking behavior or whatever.

In other lyrically damning news, Ms. Lana Del Rey, queen of Summertime Sadness and flower crowns, apparently wrote a song saying that Lady Gaga was booed off stages before selling twenty million records because she sounds like a man and can’t sing a lick.  Continue reading “Frank Ocean Lays the Lyrical Smack Down on Chris Brown”

Ying Yang Twins Announce New Track “Miley Cyrus” On Upcoming Album

Ying yang twins teeth
The rudest thing you can say to someone when seeing them for the first time in awhile is “I thought you were dead!” And that’s exactly what I would have said to the Ying Yang Twins if I had run into them on the street before today. But alas, they’re still crankin’ along, and plan on releasing a new album Ass In Session, which will feature a track simply titled “Miley Cyrus.”

The Atlanta duo and self-proclaimed “leaders of twerk” probably checked out her newly released video for “We Can’t Stop.” It’s more or less a detailed montage of Miley “just bein’ Miley,” which apparently in 2013 means sticking her ass in the air, licking a giant doll, and of course, twerking (acting black is her new favorite past-time).  Continue reading “Ying Yang Twins Announce New Track “Miley Cyrus” On Upcoming Album”

Drown Yourself in a Tub of Bronzer to Tan Mom’s Song

Tanning Mom songDirt-faced street peasant Patricia Krentcil, also known as “Tan Mom,” lurched and rubbed her brown body all over the recording studio to create a new song with the standard issue auto-tuned chorus.

In “It’s Tan Mom,” Krentcil tells us that she’s the sexiest fame-whore mom in the world of Z-list fame-whore moms. “Sexier” than porn star/Teen Mom Farrah Abraham and “hotter” than Octomom, she says.

Here are some lyrics by (or written for) the New Jersey potato skin:

“My name is Tan Mom. Tanning is the bomb.”

“I’ll be in not a tanning booth but outside with the birds. No, that doesn’t work, forget the birds.”

“I’ve got a message to use protection from the sun. Hahahaha.”  Mo’ intellectual wordthings…

Ray J Wrote a Crappy Song About Kim Kardashian

Ray J I hit it firstRay J wrote a song called “I Hit It First,” a below-the-waist dig at Kim Kardashian complete with pixelated single art, to remind her of the sex tape they made in 2003.

“She might move on to rappers and ballplayers / But we all know I hit it first / I had her head going North and her ass going South / But now baby chose to go West / No matter where she goes or who she knows / She still belongs in my bed,” 32-year-old William “Ray J” Norwood sings.

I’m going to go ahead and guess that he didn’t actually take her virginity, and calling him the first “famous” guy to hit it is a stretch since his biggest claim to fame is a song that practically debuted in the 90’s.

And then there’s that connection to his sister Brandy, currently remembered for I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, being HIV positive in Tyler Perry movies, and running over pedestrians.

Vanessa Hudgens Sings About ‘Pretty Pretty Packages’

Vanessa Hudgens YLAProfessional Zac Efron merkin Vanessa Hudgens has a new single to go along with her bikini movie. In “$$$ex,” her first song since 2009, Hudgens reminds us what we were missing.

“Can you feel my hot sex, heart stop beating,” sounds suspiciously like “can you feel my heart sex.” (Because who’s going to choose a vag when you could just pummel the four valves?)

Favorite lyric #2: “Pretty pretty packages all in a row, sugar snap firecrack tied up in a bow.”

Favorite lyric #3: “Fifty in his pocket, a condom in his wallet, he’s not gonna sleep tonight.”

Continue reading “Vanessa Hudgens Sings About ‘Pretty Pretty Packages’”

Infamous Child Molester R. Kelly Releases Tribute To Sandy Hook Elementary

R. Kelly tuxedo 1The song is “I Know You Are Hurting.” It’s in the vein of “I Believe I Can Fly” and “You Are Not Alone” and it was just released by R. Kelly as a tribute to the kids of Newtown, Connecticut.

While it’s hard to speak ill of him and the fact that he’s donating the proceeds to the victims’ families, it seems inappropriate considering he was charged with seven counts of producing child pornography in 2002.

Is this just one of those times when you hush me? Because I understand.

Take the money. And if he donates out of his own pocket, it’s probably “Trapped In The Closet” money, not at all tainted by the fact that he recorded himself peeing on a 14-year-old. Continue reading “Infamous Child Molester R. Kelly Releases Tribute To Sandy Hook Elementary”

TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL! Here’s a 12-Year-Old Singing Into a Turkey Leg

I really didn’t want to talk about this because it was released two weeks ago and there’s nothing I can say about it that everyone else didn’t already but, since it’s November twentyfoodth, I give you a song that is not close to my heart at all, “It’s Thanksgiving” by Nicole Westbrook.

She’s the new Rebecca Black, her microphone is a turkey leg and her song goes like this, “December was Christmas. January was New Year. April was Easter. And the 4th of July, but now it’s Thanksgiving. Oh oh oh it’s Thanksgiving. We we we we are gonna have a good time.”

Today we honor the day Pilgrims unsuccessfully tried to poison the last remaining American Indians…

Continue reading “TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL! Here’s a 12-Year-Old Singing Into a Turkey Leg”

Rihanna’s ‘Unapologetic’ Features Chris Brown Duet ‘Nobodies Business’

Rihanna’s new album features little known artists like Nashville native Mikky Ekko and Epic Records rapper Future, but isn’t void of big names of her past. Names like Eminem (“Love The Way You Lie”) and Chris Brown (hate the way you exist).

The tracklisting for Unapologetic, recently tweeted by Mother Navy (new Gaga-esque nickname for herself) reveals a song called “Nobodies Business” with Brown.

This is the couples’ fourth collaboration counting the “Birthday Cake” and “Turn Up The Music” remixes plus the leaked Confessions of a Shopaholic effort “Bad Girl.”

Rihanna’s love for Chris Brown isn’t your business because she’s totally aware that he’s awful, but doesn’t care because she can’t stay away from him? I think.  Continue reading “Rihanna’s ‘Unapologetic’ Features Chris Brown Duet ‘Nobodies Business’”

“I want the bass line to do this, like [makes loud GUH GUH GUH sound].” – Taylor Swift on her New dubstep Song

Labradoodle turned Afghan Hound, Taylor Swift tells Spin magazine how she ended up with her new dubstep song, “I Knew You Were Trouble”:

“I never really thought, “Hey, I want to download some dubstep music.” What ended up happening was, I wrote this melody for this chorus on the piano, and I brought it to Max Martin and Shellback, and I said, “At the end of the chorus I just want this to go crazy. I want it to be really chaotic; I want the bass line to do this, like [makes loud GUH GUH GUH sound].”

To her credit, this is a pretty adorable explanation and the song is still very Swifty. It starts out with “Once upon a time” because all of her songs are fairy tales that 17 year olds 22 year olds fantasize about. She continues,  Continue reading ““I want the bass line to do this, like [makes loud GUH GUH GUH sound].” – Taylor Swift on her New dubstep Song”

Taylor Swift’s ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ Is About Jake Gyllenhaal

You can’t step into the mall, get a Subway sandwich, or go to the grocery store without hearing Taylor Swift‘s latest breakup anthem “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” It’s horrible yet catchy in that Avril-Lavigne-circa-2002 kind of way.

Swifty may have accidentally let it slip that the song, co-written by Britney/Katy go-to guy Max Martin, is about Jake Gyllenhaal, who dumped her in December 2010.

After performing the hit at the iHeartRadio Festival in Las Vegas she yelled “Jake, it’s your turn!”  Not exactly solid evidence, but it seems like more than a clue.  Continue reading “Taylor Swift’s ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ Is About Jake Gyllenhaal”

Many Will Die As Octomom’s Music Comes Alive

I don’t know why people are so negative about Nadya Suleman‘s music career. Don’t you need to start with positivity, to be let down?

TMZ released a clip of her new single “Sexy Party,” which begs the question, what would a sexy party with Octomom even be?

It seems like instead of a potluck, she’d have you bring Tupperware containers full of sperm. Then she’d make everyone take turns babysitting while she went into the other room with the turkey baster, yelling through the door at you about bankruptcy.

For a woman who has “zero sexual interest” she sure does a lot of sex-related things. Riding Stern’s Sybian, stripping, masturbation porn, singing Ke$ha-style songs about sexy parties.  Continue reading “Many Will Die As Octomom’s Music Comes Alive”