Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-15-14]

Columbian cycling team naked
Women’s cycling team are blissfully unaware of their seeming naked-ness. (Daily Mail)

Lindsay Lohan may have touched Whitney Houston’s corpse. (TMZ/Jezebel)

15 fun (and scary) things you didn’t know about Friday Night Lights. (Uproxx)

Martha Stewart goes gangster on Gwyneth Paltrow. (Evil Beet Gossip)

And the undisputed BEST SENIOR PHOTO OF ALL TIME goes to…. (Grouchy Muffin)

Tyler, The Creator compares Apple’s “gift” of new U2 album to herpes. (Stereogum)

OITNB writer divorces husband for lady love/OITNB star Samira Wiley. (Vulture)

Mo’Ne is the First Little Leaguer, Girl or Boy, to Land the Cover of Sports Illustrated

sports illustrated little league girlLast night on SportsCenter’s Top Stories segment there was a fascinating interview with a 13-year-old girl who plays Little League on an otherwise all-boys team in Philly. The first, but definitely not last I’d hear of Mo’Ne Davis.

She throws a 70 mph fastball and was noticed at her school by the baseball coach for playing football, you know, just casually throwing perfect spirals and zooming around the field faster than most college running backs.

Mo’Ne could likely succeed in baseball, football or basketball (her favorite). The world is her oyster, as displayed on this week’s issue of Sports IllustratedContinue reading “Mo’Ne is the First Little Leaguer, Girl or Boy, to Land the Cover of Sports Illustrated”

Funny Video: NBA Players Read Mean Tweets

The maturity of internet trolls combined with the confused faces of professional basketball players makes the second NBA edition of Mean Tweets comic gold. PRESS PLAY!

And I know my gossipy lowlife ass wasn’t the only one waiting with bated breath for the Kim Kardashian diss during the Kris Humphries portion.
Damarcus cousins emotional lesbian  Dwight howard leg warmer panties
Tags: emotional lesbian, pubey, cookie monster, panties with leg warmers, Swarovski, homeless

Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations

Bruno Mars Red hot chili peppersBruno Mars’ highly energetic albeit short Super Bowl performance silenced critics on Sunday and was definitely the best, most memorable thing to come from the event.

There were bets on how many Peppers would be wearing shirts, and you’d be absolutely frankentarded to not guess two, seeing as Anthony and Flea are as likely to be shirtless as Peyton Manning is to be as stiff in the passing pocket as a corpse that overdosed on Viagra.

A map showing who was rooting for who during the big game has surfaced, showing that a staggering majority of Americans (besides in Oregon, Washington and Alaska) were crying disappointed tears into their hot wings, pizza and beer last night.  Continue reading “Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations”

Michelle Obama Makes an Otherwise Boring Meeting With the Miami Heat Interesting

Everyone knows Ms. Bama and her husband are super active and into basketball, football, hell, all the ball sports, and during a visit with LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Ray Allen, coach Erik Spoelstra, 50-year-old Michelle Obama showed impressive jumping and dunking skills in the background of an otherwise boring talk between Wade, Allen and the coach. The toothy faces her and LeBron make after the dunk might have you wishing for a buddy comedy starring the two of them as boisterous siblings or longtime besties coping with adulthood.

Gahhh. Michelle Obama is so fucking adorable. If she wasn’t so obsessed with abolishing fast food / shoving apple slices in everyone’s mouths I would want her to adopt me.

Michelle Rodriguez is a Fun Drunk

Michelle Rodriguez drunk Knicks game
Michelle Rodriguez and professional celebrity bestie/model Cara Delevingne seemed to be having an absolute blast at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday.

A blast whenever their eyes weren’t focused on the game, that is.
Michelle Rodriguez drunk
Judging by photos taken of the two at the game, Michelle and Cara got SUPER drunk and possibly high before the game and continued to drink while orange balls bounced past their half-open eyes.
Cara Delevingne michelle rodriguez
They kissed, blew smoke rings [with an e-cig], spaced out and took goofy selfies in case the paparazzi didn’t do their job and capture their complete disinterest in basketball.  Continue reading “Michelle Rodriguez is a Fun Drunk”

Khloe Kardashian Finally Filed For Divorce

We all predicted a Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom divorce as soon as we all heard they got married after only dating for one month, but we were wrong. The marriage lasted a good four years and didn’t end because they merely got sick of each other like so many other boring celebrity romances.

This one is officially ending after Lamar fell back into the arms of his old love, crack cocaine. Not to mention him driving down the wrong side of the road drunk and recording shirtless rap songs about cheating on Khloe. And of course, these are all things that were made painfully public, giving Khloe a handful of legitimate reasons to GTFO.

His eyes have been more glazed than Krispy Kreme since the loss of his NBA career (specifically with the Lakers) and I’m sure his dark past (drug-addicted father, mother died when he was 12) didn’t help.

Continue reading “Khloe Kardashian Finally Filed For Divorce”

Olympian Tom Daley and Actress Maria Bello Casually Step of the Closet


In totally unsurprising and then slightly surprising news, Olympic diver Tom Daley and Maria Bello (played the wife in A History of Violence and replaced Rachel Weisz in the last Mummy movie) both announced that they are in same-sex relationships this weekend.

Daley – a Tumblr-favorite and teen icon in his own right – has had gay rumors swirling around him like a tornado since we first heard his name, but I’m less in tune (and therefore more interested) in the personal life of Bello.

In a touching article for The New York Times, Bello described a discussion she had with her 12-year-old son about romance. When she decided to tell him that her partner was a woman, he sweetly replied, “Mom, love is love, whatever you are.” Excerpt:

From left: Maria, Dan McDermott, Jack and Clare Munn

I loved him so much for saying that. “But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”

She went on to say that her, her ex, their son and her partner Clare live in complete harmony. In the piece entitled “Coming Out as a Modern Family,” she writes that they all have dinner together every night and carpool to soccer tournaments.  Continue reading “Olympian Tom Daley and Actress Maria Bello Casually Step of the Closet”

Old Ass Michael Jordan Expecting Fourth Child

20131130-182547.jpgGood news! Michael Jordan’s ancient balls are still magical. The 50-year-old basketball legend and model wife Yvette Preito announced via Us Weekly that they are expecting their first child together, and grandpa-aged Jordan’s fourth overall. (Not-so-great-news for the various women who have unsuccessfully sued Jordan for child support.)

To get an idea of just how old of a dad he is, when this youngest son/daughter is 25 he’ll be 75, and by the time he or she is 50, like 2013-edition MJ, he or she will almost certainly be fatherless.

Just two more kids and he’ll have one for each championship ring….

Khloe Kardashian Drops ‘Odom’ From her Name, Keeps Ring On

Khloe Kardashian casualIn oddly sad celebrity news (if you’re capable of feeling sorry for people whose combined family income could get the country out of debt), Khloe Kardashian can’t go outside without someone whispering about her husband’s homelessness, affairs and the NBA career he could have had if he wasn’t addicted to crack.

This is however, a world where relationships begin and end on Twitter, as we saw with Miley and Liam and now Khloe, whose followers just witnessed the dropping of “Odom” in her handle.

While her sister Kim is busy being blonde in Paris with her baby daddy, infertile Khloe is pretending to enjoy the repetition of treadmills and salad (she was recently spotted at the gym and out at lunch with her mom) without Lamar, still sporting her wedding ring and LO hand tat.  Continue reading “Khloe Kardashian Drops ‘Odom’ From her Name, Keeps Ring On”

Michael Vick Still Believes he’s the Sole Proprietor of the Eagles

Michael Vick eagles 2013The Chris Brown of football (I would say Kanye West if Kanye had overseen the eletrocution of Kylie and Kendall Jenner) got on Twitter and pressed enter without thinking, which is no surprise considering his ball-throwing accuracy and failure to form words without deserving an armbar from Ronda Rousey’s mom.  (Or any mom.)

Vick’s tweet in question read “we will redeem ourself,” in regards to the Eagles last two losses to the Chargers and Chiefs and their upcoming game against Denver which I at first thought was a mistake, but I now realize is just his way of saying that he IS the Eagles.  Continue reading “Michael Vick Still Believes he’s the Sole Proprietor of the Eagles”

Tim Tebow Cut From Patriots For Sucking at Life

tebow patriotsFormer Gators and Jets maverick Tim Tebow has been cut from his current team, The New England Patriots because he completely failed to impress Bill Belichick with his chesticles and gay bar-friendly face.

The no-trick pony that somehow led the Broncos to the playoffs early last year was not chosen to even be a backup quarterback to the equally good looking and far more gifted Tom Brady.

“I would like to thank Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, Coach McDaniels and the entire Patriots organization for giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a classy organization,” Tebow wrote on Twitter. “I pray for nothing but the best for you all. I will remain in relentless pursuit of continuing my lifelong dream of being an NFL quarterback.”

Some other team will likely pick him up and drop him faster than a baby with a unibrow. I hear the Bengals need a few new cheerleaders…

Lamar Odom Followed His Basketball Career, is Missing

Lamar Odom blue suit mtvAfter years of tabloids throwing random darts at the board, they finally landed one on Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. Instead of an affair, it’s a drug problem.

It’s being reported that the former Lakers forward has been missing for the past two days and is on a suspected crack binge after the Kardashians attempted an intervention. God I hope Kanye wasn’t there. “Hey dog, I’m sorry you like drugs, but my new song “Bound 2″ is one of the best singles of all time! Download it if your hands aren’t shaking too bad, k?”

In 2011, Lamar spoke of the heroin addiction that plagued his father, Joe.

“I witnessed things that a 10-year-old definitely wasn’t supposed to see,” Odom said during an episode of Khloe and Lamar. “It’s hard for me to speak up on it and get it through to Khloe because she grew up so different.”

His mom died when he was 12, leaving him with the unstable father figure, so it’s pretty fucking impressive to me that he became a massive basketball star but sadly not terribly surprising that he turned to drugs.

Here’s a video of him and his teammates discussing his other addiction, to sugar. As in, somebody slap those rocks out of his hand and replace them with some Pop Rocks already.  Continue reading “Lamar Odom Followed His Basketball Career, is Missing”

GIF: A-Rod Hit By Ryan Dempster Pitch


I’m delighted by Red Sox player Ryan Dempster’s two inside pitches last Sunday to Alex Rodriguez’s side and leg and I don’t even feel the least bit bad about it.

Here’s why… 1. He’s rich. 2. He’s on steroids. 3. Cameron Diaz, Madonna and Kate Hudson.

”He was trying to establish his fastball,” Red Sox manager John Farrell said during an in-game interview on ESPN. ”Obviously, the pitch got away from him.

”We didn’t feel in our dugout it was anything intentional,” he added.

Lies, all charming lies. The smile on my face every time I see the this is also unintentional, and as simple as Dempster’s instantaneous 5-game suspension. FULL VIDEO HERE.

Here’s Aaron Hernandez with the Murder Weapon…

Aaron Hernandez gunThis is [allegedly] a photo of former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez with the gun used to kill his friend, Odin Lloyd, in June at an industrial park in Massachusetts.

It’s a photo of a photo of a photo taken from a surveillance camera, so the quality is pretty bad, but the prosecution believes it’s of Hernandez is holding the .45 Glock used on the night of Lloyd’s death.

Either that or it’s just a picture of him holding another random gun on the night of the murder.

And O.J. and Casey Anthony were both innocent and global warming isn’t real.

Hernandez, who plead not guilty, has been linked to two other major crimes including a double homicide in 2012.

Funny Video: Carly Rae Jepsen Throws Worst Pitch Ever?

This video of Carly Rae Jepsen throwing out a horrific pitch at a Tampa Bay Rays game hasn’t reached the nearly 500 million views that the one for her hit song “Call Me Maybe” has amassed, but it does have 6 MILLION, which is nothing to scoff at.

The bright side is that her pitch was slightly better than fellow Canadian girl Justin Bieber and much better than Howard Stern sidekick Gary Dell’abate (a.k.a. Baba Booey).  Continue reading “Funny Video: Carly Rae Jepsen Throws Worst Pitch Ever?”

Kerri Walsh Jennings, Colin Kaepernick and Others Get Nekkid For 2013 ESPN Body Issue

Espn body issue covers 2013
ESPN have now released a ton of photos from their 2013 Body Issue to their website and look no further because I have them all. Right here. Naked. (I need the traffic.)

This year’s issue features the notable athletic butts of Colin Kaepernick (NFL), Olympic volleyball star Kerri Walsh Jennings, drag racer Courtney Force, Vernon Davis (NFL), 77-year-old golfer Gary Player and more.

“I like that I’m in shape but still look like a woman,” UFC champ Miesha Tate, scheduled to fight Ronda Rousey during a co-headline fight on December 28, 2013 (with Silva’s rematch against Weidman also on the bill), told the mag. “I don’t feel like I’ve had to give up my femininity to be an athlete.”  Continue reading “Kerri Walsh Jennings, Colin Kaepernick and Others Get Nekkid For 2013 ESPN Body Issue”