Steven Tyler Breaks Up With His Mistress, ‘American Idol’

After two years of watching amateurs sing, American Idol judge Steven Tyler is departing from the show to do what he does best. No, not breaking gender boundaries and confusing people who have poor eyesight – being a frontman!

He released a statement yesterday saying he wanted to focus on Aerosmith.

“After some long…hard…thoughts…I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress American Idol before she boils my rabbit,” he said. “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back.”

J-Lo and Randy Jackson may also not be returning but there has been no confirmation either way. Adam Lambert, Miley Cyrus, Will.i.am Katy Perry, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are rumored to be eyeing the position(s).  Continue reading “Steven Tyler Breaks Up With His Mistress, ‘American Idol’”

Steven Tyler Banshees His Way Through The National Anthem

Before the Ravens-Patriots AFC championship matchup on CBS Steven Tyler wandered out his cage to “sing” the national anthem. As is true with most national anthem attempts, it was pretty sketchy.

The worst part? “The rockets red glare” bit. His bedazzled Old Navy-lookin’ Patriots shirt didn’t help much. I gotta say, Kristin Chenoweth blew Tyler out of the water with her opera-style rendition of the song pre-Giants-49ers game.

The real reason she did better on Sunday? She was willing to laugh at herself. Oh and she hasn’t sold her soul to the devil (American Idol) yet. A guest spot on Glee doesn’t count.

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Steven Tyler Needs A Breast Reduction

It’s baffling to me that Steven Tyler was once considered one of the sexiest frontmen of the 70’s and 80’s alongside Bret Michaels and Mick Jagger. Now he’s more like something you’d snicker at on the National Geographic Channel or in your parent’s contemporary art history book.

This photo was posted yesterday on TMZ with the headline “Steven Tyler topless in Maui.” His boobs just keep getting bigger too, he’s definitely a B-cup, a future [insert inappropriate Hepatitis C joke here] C. Tyler may have a busy year in 2012. He’s signed on for one more season of American Idol, engaged and soon-to-be-wed, and was the first guest on Oprah’s Next Chapter, a new primetime series, January 1st.

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Poor Steven Tyler, Fell, Got Back Up, Turned Into Gollum

According to a study conducted at University of Michigan, a third of people age 60 and older have difficulty getting in and out of the bath or shower, even with safety equipment installed.

Do you know how old American Idol/Aerosmith frontlady Steven Tyler is? 63. So of course I believe him when he says that he hasn’t fallen off the wagon. He wasn’t drunk or high when he fell in the shower, he’s just old and frail, like Gollum.

Continue reading “Poor Steven Tyler, Fell, Got Back Up, Turned Into Gollum”