Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…

Jlo Iggy azalea bootyThe oldest butt and the newest joined forces for a song called, get ready for it, “Booty.” A middle-eastern tune best served after repeated viewings of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda,” the “Dance (Ass)” remix and Kim Kardashian’s entire Instagram.

Seriously, how many simple-minded men have to die of heart problems all so Jennifer Lopez can feel superior to Kim and Nicki?

You know she came up with this concept after turning around in the mirror asking Evil Queen-style who has the roundest derriere of all?  Continue reading “Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…”

Video: Miranda Lambert – “Somethin’ Bad” feat. Carrie Underwood

Oh my God I could care less about 90% of country music, but the ho’ed-out wives of Blake Shelton and Mike Fisher shook their knees in front of motorcycles and played poker with guys in fedoras for one of the most over-produced music videos ever and I’m pretty sure it’s under 3 minutes long because they ran out of money for bronzer. Continue reading “Video: Miranda Lambert – “Somethin’ Bad” feat. Carrie Underwood”

Avril Lavigne Says Hello to Her Kitty, Offends Everyone

It’s really hard to pinpoint the exact moment that Avril Lavigne went wrong with “Hello Kitty…”

I don’t know if it’s the lyrics, her super punk side shave and cupcake skirt, the dubstep breakdown about a minute in or the sedated Asian women she’s hired to stand behind her.

While Avril defended the video calling it an ode to Japanese culture after bloggers labelled it “racist,” I find it deeply offensive for other reasons. Those reasons being:

1. Avril Lavigne is 29 years old

2. Her husband, Chad Kroeger, is 39 years old
Avril lavigne glasses hello kitty stillAvril Lavigne hello kitty still
3. The blessed union that is Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger wrote this song together

4. Keywords: Hello Kitty, slumber party, spin the bottle

5. Chad Kroeger is not yet listed as a registered sex offender  Continue reading “Avril Lavigne Says Hello to Her Kitty, Offends Everyone”

Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’

Natalia Kills Trouble stillHot off the release of her second album, Natalia Kills’ latest video is like “We Found Love,” “Love The Way You Lie” and maybe an episode of Skins: full of partial nudity, drug use and general hot-girl-on-ugly-guy mischief.

Kills, famous for her high ponytail and uptempo jams like “Free” (“Wanna be like Midas, but my bank account is minus”) and “Mirrors” from her first effort Perfectionist, usually sprinkles her songs with more than a hint awareness of irony, setting herself apart from the Katy Perrys of the world.

In “Trouble” Natalia’s romance with a hooligan is chronicled, starting with a filthy apartment and a make out session steamier than your vegan friend’s broccoli casserole. Kills (born Natalia Cappuccini), drags her boytoy into a bar where he gets into the inevitable fight which ends with her crying in the rain, plus car sex, plus HOLY SHIT I THINK SHE KILLED HER BOYFRIEND. Again. Continue reading “Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’”

Video: Nina Nesbitt – Selfies

I know I’ll come off as a total asshat saying this, but I’m not so shabby at predicting fame. Like Lana Del Rey long before SNL, Emma Stone in Superbad, Cee Lo’s “F*ck You,” Ellie Goulding, Adele…

If I was fond of leaving the house I would pursue a career as a talent scout. (But I’d probably end up handing out flyers at the mall, luring raccoon-eyed saps to my fraudulent modeling agency.)
nina nesbitt selfies still Speaking of modeling and people who should be famous, Nina Nesbitt is really great. She’s a legitimate songwriter from Scotland who had a pretty big hit in the UK called “Stay Out.”  Continue reading “Video: Nina Nesbitt – Selfies”

Video: Britney Spears – “Perfume”

Britney’s new single almost has better lyrics than “Phonography” from Circus (“I like my bluetooth, buttons comin’ loose”) and “Email My Heart” (self-explanatory) from …Baby One More Time.

In “Perfume” Britney is the other woman, singing “I hope she smells my perfume” and “I want it all over you, I’m gonna mark my territory.” All because of some bitch named Cindy.
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OF COURSE Britney strips down to sexy granny panties and sprays Fantasy all over her stomach.

Video: Lady Gaga – “Applause”

Lady Gaga‘s new video for “Applause” is here and it’s basically the most literal definition of drafty local theater stale popcorn and feet-smelling performance art. (And good luck getting it out of your head.)

She keeps saying she’s combining pop and art as if it’s never been done before when even SHE’S done it before with every video from Born This Way and The Fame Monster. Now she’s waving a sheet in a black leotard in her neverending quest to show skin without being sexy…
Lady Gaga Applause clap video still
Gurrrrlll. You better kiss all five members of ‘N Sync at the VMAs to make up for this weak shit.

Video: Depeche Mode – “Heaven”

Counting their latest, the bluesy Delta Machine (out March 26), Depeche Mode has released 13 albums since 1981. Their music videos counter is up to 58.

I’m not sure if “Heaven” is number 58 or 59, but it inspired by The Tree of Life and filmed in New Orleans (which explains all the masks and bones).  Continue reading “Video: Depeche Mode – “Heaven””

Video: Ke$ha – “C’mon”

In the video for “C’mon,” Ke$ha is a lollipop-licking, pigtail-having magician moonlighting as a waitress who doesn’t give people coffee because she’s too pissed off about her boss sexually harassing her.

Apparently Ke$ha’s type = guys with beards, AND furries (read more about that HERE), as well.

Continue reading “Video: Ke$ha – “C’mon””

Video: Lana Del Rey – “Ride”

Lana Del Rey‘s “Ride” video from her Paradise EP is out on YouTube and Vevo…

The song is produced by Rick Rubin but you’ll be more interested in learning about why Lana is writhing around on a pinball machine in front of a real-life Sons of Anarchy rapist.

Continue reading “Video: Lana Del Rey – “Ride””

‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted

EVEN THOUGH the stars of Spring Breakers (Ashley Benson, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Rachel Korine) are portraying college kids and are not technically minors, you will feel like a dirty pedophile after simply viewing one promotional photo.

Imagine what will happen when you see the movie. You’ll get put on “the list.” You know, the one viewable by location on the Offender Locator app.  Continue reading “‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-3-12]

The latest animated feature from Hayao Miyazaki and son, From Up On The Poppy Hill. (ONTD!)

Paul Haggis confirms creepy Scientology wife audition for Tom Cruise. (Celebuzz)

Representative for Cruise denies creepy wife auditioning accusations. (Radar Online)

Pearl Jam back Jay-Z on “99 Problems” at festival. (Huffington Post)

Women with breast augmentations end up naked on the internet. (Jezebel)

Kanye West wonders if the word “bitch” is acceptable. (NME)

Certain bigshot celebrities on Twitter have a fair amount of fake followers. (E! Online)

Eva Longoria doesn’t want men at her steakhouse(Daily News)

Kardashian drama. Scott Disick kicked out of Kourtney‘s house? (Tale Tela)

Mark Abrahamian, Jefferson Starship guitarist, dead at age 46. (Us Weekly)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-24-12]

Photos from the dreaded Carrie remake starring Chloë Moretz. (Too Fab)

Lance Armstrong‘s Tour de France titles stripped for not fighting doping charges. (Grouchy Muffin)

Reporter asks Carson Daly if Christina Aguilera is a squirter. (Huffington Post)

Gyllenhaal police drama’s trailer (End Of Watch) is generating positive buzz. (Pajiba)

REJOICE in “I told you so’s.” Katy Perry and John Mayer are over. (E! Online)

Emma Stone looks like she could use a butter milkshake. (Evil Beet)

This rare Anglerfish looks like a bouncy ball from the grocery store. (National Geographic)

Rodney King had cocaine, PCP and marijuana in his system at time of death. (TMZ)

Graphic Empire State Building shooting photos emerge. (Gawker)

Serena Williams “tried to warn” the line judge she yelled at in 2009. (ONTD!)

Trailer: Red Dawn

Here’s a really really simple description of the Red Dawn remake starring Chris Hemsworth, Josh Peck, Adrianne Palicki, and Josh Hutcherson from IMDb:

“A group of teenagers look to save their town from an invasion of North Korean soldiers.”

Now you tell me what’s wrong with that? Maybe it’s that none of the people in this movie are teenagers, which of course isn’t an uncommon occurrence in Hollywood (see Pretty Little Liars, Glee, The O.C., and Beverly Hills 90210).  Continue reading “Trailer: Red Dawn”

Video: Justin Bieber – As Long As You Love Me Feat. Big Sean

There aren’t a lot of ways to argue that Justin Bieber isn’t a boy bander gone solo who just happened to never be in a boy band. He’s everything I remember from the Lou Pearlman days of my youth.

But, he was “created” strictly by his 18-year-old mother instead of a fat man with a Lance bAss fetish. Now he’s so “Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman…” Eighteen, and not caring that “As Long As You Love Me” is already the name of a Backstreet Boys song released three years after he was born.  Continue reading “Video: Justin Bieber – As Long As You Love Me Feat. Big Sean”

Video: Chairlift – “Met Before”

I’ve been on a Chairlift kick lately. Chairlift on repeat. Chairlift-themed Tumblrs. All of it. I’m late to the party though. The party being their album Something, which was released in January.

“Met Before” is the second single from a five-star-flawless album and a band that once intended to make music for haunted houses. How cool is that?  Continue reading “Video: Chairlift – “Met Before””