Bruce Jenner Suffering From Skin Cancer ‘For Several Years’

Bruce Jenner nose cancerThe lone elder pole vaulting penis of the Kardashian Kamp was not punched in the face by Kris Jenner for failing to put his toy helicopters away after all…

After being photographed out and about with a bandaged face, Bruce Jenner confirms to E! News that he has undergone surgery to remove cancerous tissue from his nose, thus urging us all to protect our non-Armenian skin with handfuls of sunscreen and to steal wide-rimmed golf hats from that special old man in your life. (Be it a sugar daddy, grandfather, or clueless neighbor.)

“I was diagnosed with…Basal cell carcinoma and have undergone Mohs surgery to remove it,” 63-year-old Jenner tells the site. “I have been struggling with this for several years and appreciate all of the support and prayers while I continue to fight the battle against skin cancer.”  Continue reading “Bruce Jenner Suffering From Skin Cancer ‘For Several Years’”

Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks the Sun is Good For Her

Gwyneth Paltrow in the sunGood news, haters. Gwyneth Paltrow said this really atrocious thing to Cosmo UK about how the sun can’t hurt her.

I don’t know if it’s because she’s Blythe Danner’s daughter or because I have a weird uncalled-for obsession with the movie Duets, but I just keep expecting so much more from Gwyneth.

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun – how can it be bad for you?” she said. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you.”

While I think she was probably just talking about Vitamin D, which has been proven to decrease the chances of heart disease, the wording makes me want to throw Apple and Chris Martin on a kebab.

Even if there weren’t massive holes in the ozone layer because people in the ’20s and ’30s made refrigerators and hairspray out of Krypton’s core, it still wouldn’t be good to sit in the scalding hot sun for the duration of a Madonna concert.  Continue reading “Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks the Sun is Good For Her”

Strawberry-Faced Blonde Erin Brockovich Wasn’t Drunk, She Was Hungry

Erin Brockovich mugshotPGE nemesis, consulting firm prez and Julia Roberts movie-inspirerer Erin Brockovich was arrested this past weekend for drunk driving her boat around Lake Mead in Las Vegas after Park & Wildlife officials noticed she was “struggling to dock her boat” a.k.a. ramming it repeatedly into the dock.

TMZ released Brockovich’s corresponding mug shot plus a statement where she explained that the sun and food deprivation were partially responsible for her OUI (operating under the influence) charge.

“I apologize for my actions Friday evening. After a day in the sun and with nothing to eat it appears that a couple of drinks had a greater impact than I had realized,” she said. “I take drunk driving very seriously, this was clearly a big mistake, I know better and I am very sorry.”

A couple of drinks?? She looks like she asphyxiated herself with zip ties and fell into a blender.
boat crash dubstep gif

The Sun Is Gonna Mess Up Your Phone! (Maybe)

Scientists are reporting that an upcoming surge of solar flares (a sudden, brightening/release of excess energy from the sun) is likely to severely impact satellites, and telecommunications. Basically, your phone, and your Tom Tom! If it is going to happen, it will reportedly happen over the next few days.

Joseph Kunches, a scientist at the Space Weather Prediction Center, a division of the NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) has been quoted in saying,

“The magnetic storm that is soon to develop probably will be in the moderate to strong level.”

Continue reading “The Sun Is Gonna Mess Up Your Phone! (Maybe)”