Dancing Shark is Real Super Bowl Winner

katy perry shark memeEven two years later, nothing beats Beyonce’s unflattering Super Bowl photos, but Katy Perry’s out-of-sync dancing shark, Wiimote and lion are trying their best.

Like the Packers against the Seahawks in the playoffs, Seattle had the game completely in the bag but failed, deciding to pass the ball at the end of the 4th with the end zone just inches from Marshawn Lynch’s face. Tom Brady jumped for joy as Russell Wilson threw the game-losing interception to Malcolm Butler, ending it at 28 to 24.  Continue reading “Dancing Shark is Real Super Bowl Winner”

Justin Bieber Hotboxed a Jet

Justin Bieber weed planeAmidst reports that Justin Bieber drove Selena Gomez to go to rehab when he cheated on her with the girl version of himself (Miley Cyrus), there’s also a rumor that he filled a private jet with so much pot smoke on his way to New York for the Super Bowl that the pilots had to wear gas masks.

Let that sink in. Pilots – who are notorious for popping pills and snorting coke btw – couldn’t handle the amount of weed smoke that had permeated throughout the plane.

Drug dogs at the airpot unsurprisingly found no “unsmoked marijuana,” not because Justin and his crew of Lil’ Zas and Twists were wise enough to cover their tracks, but because they are enormously greedy and likely burned up more than their combined weight (200 pounds?) in weed during one flight from Canada to NYC.

Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations

Bruno Mars Red hot chili peppersBruno Mars’ highly energetic albeit short Super Bowl performance silenced critics on Sunday and was definitely the best, most memorable thing to come from the event.

There were bets on how many Peppers would be wearing shirts, and you’d be absolutely frankentarded to not guess two, seeing as Anthony and Flea are as likely to be shirtless as Peyton Manning is to be as stiff in the passing pocket as a corpse that overdosed on Viagra.

A map showing who was rooting for who during the big game has surfaced, showing that a staggering majority of Americans (besides in Oregon, Washington and Alaska) were crying disappointed tears into their hot wings, pizza and beer last night.  Continue reading “Two Shirtless Chili Peppers, Manning Memes and Other Super Bowl Revelations”

NFL Finds Perfect Halftime Performer in Bruno Mars

Bruno mars halftime show poster Super Bowl organizers finally chose the right person for this year’s halftime show, and that person is none other than Grammy-winning songwriter Bruno Mars, who will perform a mixture of hits from his breakout album Doo-Wops & Hooligans and his equally successful sophomore effort, Unorthodox Jukebox.

I know you’re tired of Michael Jackson comparisons, but it’s hard to argue that he’s not the total package with that voice and those moves and an arsenal of throwback, horn-heavy hits like “Locked Out of Heaven,” “Grenade,” “Treasure” and “Just The Way You Are” after only being in the spotlight for three short years. (Not long by show business standards.) Continue reading “NFL Finds Perfect Halftime Performer in Bruno Mars”

Trailer(s): Fast & Furious 6, Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness

During the Super Bowl, which you only missed if you’re a character from Jules Verne’s A Journey to the Center of the Earth, we saw new trailers for three summer blockbusters.

From Justin Lin (also behind Tokyo Drift and Fast Five) we have Vin Diesel and Paul Walker back in Fast & Furious 6, also starring The Rock and Michelle Rodriguez in recruitment and ghost mode.

Continue reading “Trailer(s): Fast & Furious 6, Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness”

Super Bowl 2013: Destiny’s Child Went On, The Power Went Out… The Ravens Won

Joe Flacco trophyFrom a blackout (which would’ve been the 49ers’ MVP if they’d won) that was either caused by Ray Lewis’ tears or Beyonce’s hairdryer, to a near San Francisco comeback, Super Bowl XLVII turned out to be pretty eventful.

Here’s a late breakdown:

I’m slightly ashamed to admit that a commercial featuring a baby Budweiser Clydesdale somehow made me cry more than Jennifer Hudson’s performance with 26 children from Sandy Hook elementary.

Alicia Keys (who should have switched with J-Hud) sat at her piano and gave us the jazzy low-risk version of the National Anthem.  Continue reading “Super Bowl 2013: Destiny’s Child Went On, The Power Went Out… The Ravens Won”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-3-13]

Beyonce Super Bowl Instagram 1Today is the big day. Are you voting for Flacco, Kaepernick or Beyonce? (Huffington Post)

Deadliest sniper Chris Kyle shot and killed at gun range  by “friend” with PTSD. (Radar)

Here’s a gallery of real-life celebrity cheerleaders, because that’s relevant. (Celebuzz)

Mike Tyson listens to Rihanna, Shania Twain and Justin Bieber. (Evil Beet)

Worst parent ever Allen Iverson ordered to therapy and AA meetings. (TMZ)

Adrian Peterson is better than all the other players in the NFL. (Bleacher Report)

Male cast of Glee sing J. Geils Band/Nelly mash-up in their skivvies. (ohmyGAHH!)

 

Beyonce Blames The Weather In Press Conference About Lip-Syncing

Beyonce super bowl press conferenceWhen you’ve been hired to perform at the biggest, most watched sporting event of the year, you have the power to call a press conference for the sole purpose of proving a point.

Yesterday, Beyonce walked into a room full of reporters with “Super Bowl XLVII” and the Pepsi logo emblazoned in lights behind her and said “Hello, how is everyone? Would you guys mind standing?”

You would be correct in guessing that a slightly rushed version of the National Anthem came after.

I guess the whispers of deceit and even the question of how much air her lungs can hold after the Inauguration lip-sync scandal finally got to her. Afterwards she said this:

Continue reading “Beyonce Blames The Weather In Press Conference About Lip-Syncing”

5 Things To Know About Super Bowl XLVII

ravens football headline 2012 super bowlSF Chronicle 49ers win 2013
Here’s the truth, I don’t know anything about the Super Bowl that a devout football fan doesn’t.

I can say that I predicted that the Ravens would beat the favorited Patriots in the AFC Championship, but really this is Super Bowl XLVII for dummies, girls and nerds. 101.

1. Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh

Harbaugh brothers Jim and John aren’t the first blood-relatives in coaching history. (Let’s not forget grease trains Rex and Rob Ryan and basketball’s Stan and Jeff Van Gundy.) Interestingly, they are the first brothers to coach against each other in the Super Bowl.  Continue reading “5 Things To Know About Super Bowl XLVII”

Neil Patrick Harris ‘Too Gay’ For The Super Bowl

Neil Patrick Harris eye black Neil Patrick Harris is being accused of “pushing a gay agenda” and mocking Christianity because of a new Super Bowl promo featuring him wearing eye black with the date of the game written inside it.

“CBS, the television network airing the big game this year, is now using an outspoken homosexual actor to mimic Tim Tebow’s style of trumpeting messages in eyeblack on his face,” Joe Kovacs of the conservative website WND wrote in an article titled “‘Gay’ CBS star now mimics Tim Tebow?”  Continue reading “Neil Patrick Harris ‘Too Gay’ For The Super Bowl”

Beyonce Is 2013’s Super Bowl XLVII Act

Since when is a picture of Beyonce wearing eyeblack (way too far from her eyes, by the way) with the exact date of the Super Bowl a “hint” that she’s performing there?

After her people posted the super mysterious photo on Tumblr the NFL confirmed that Bey had secured a spot on the historic list of halftime artists like the Black Eyed Peas’ auto-tune, Paul McCartney’s undereye bags and Janet Jackson’s nipple to play the championship game.

Kickoff begins on February 3 in New Orleans. So watch or be square. It’s extremely likely that Jay-Z will pop out for a shortened rendition of “Crazy In Love…” Or “Upgrade U,” or “Deja Vu.

Nicki Minaj Hears Voices, Was Shocked By Madonna

With her multiple rap personas (Roman the gay boy?) it’s no big revelation that Nicki Minaj hears voices. Really we all do, it’s called thinking. Maybe it took her by surprise. I love Nicki Minaj as a pop artist but she’s no Bill Gates. She doesn’t need to be.

Minaj told Graham Norton on his show that she deleted her Twitter account because of a vile whispering schizo in her ear, like those little ankle-cutters from Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark:

“A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that’s what I did….I hope they’ll wait for me, I know they will.” On the topic of the Madonna Super Bowl face-rape Nicki explained that she was very put off.  Continue reading “Nicki Minaj Hears Voices, Was Shocked By Madonna”

Madonna Told LMFAO’s Redfoo To Work Out More

As an obsessive subscriber of Rolling Stone magazine since age 13, I scour each page and miss nothing. The most laughable and interesting thing I could find in the latest issue (the one with clam-owner/diver Paul McCartney on the cover) is a comment from Redfoo of LMFAO on Madonna.

RS: What went through your mind as Madonna was riding on your shoulders?

“I don’t know how many people were in the stadium, but they didn’t exist. All that existed was me and Madonna. In Rehearsal, she said, ‘If you were working out more, you could lift me a little easier.’ She was like, ‘Get a jump-rope.'”   Continue reading “Madonna Told LMFAO’s Redfoo To Work Out More”

Madonna Unhappy With M.I.A’s ‘Irrelevant’ Gesture

I hope that after this weekend the world will be done talking about M.I.A. flipping the bird at the Super Bowl, myself included. It’s just, not important and it makes my eyes tired just thinking about it.

How many times in your life have you seen someone giving the finger? More than usual probably if you’re an asshole like me, but it’s pretty unlikely to make anyone at all go into cardiac arrest. Even nuns are like “meh, I’m over it.”

Bless Ryan Seacrest’s heart for creating more faux-shocking Super Bowl news when he asked Madonna during his KIIS-FM radio show about the incident, to which she responded, “I wasn’t happy about it,”  Continue reading “Madonna Unhappy With M.I.A’s ‘Irrelevant’ Gesture”

Gisele’s Angry At The Patriot’s Offense

The Brazilian volcano fire finally came out of Tom Brady‘s wife. After the neck-in-neck Patriots loss to the Giants on Sunday Gisele reportedly talked shit about the receivers.

TMZ writes that team members and Pats staff were “disappointed” after Gisele Bundchen said, “My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

I think I’m with Gisele on this one, except I’m glad it happened because I hate New England almost as much as I love blueberry cheesecake, kittens and Britney Spears. Just look at her in that picture, consoling with cold words and whispering false promises of blowjobs.  Continue reading “Gisele’s Angry At The Patriot’s Offense”

M.I.A.’s Dance Routine More Shocking Than Bird-Flip

Sunday was Madonna’s big day, sports fans too. The queen of pop took the Super Bowl stage (nearly shattering her hip early on) with several big faces in music such as LMFAO, Nicki Minaj, Cee Lo and M.I.A. taking the stage alongside her.

M.I.A., the British Sri Lankan best known for “Paper Planes” plus raucous comments and behavior, shocked the FCC and a few viewers when she flipped off the camera and crowd during her verse in “Give Me All Your Luvin.” The real thing to keep in mind is that I didn’t notice and neither did anyone else. It’s NBC and the NFL’s fault for drawing attention to it. Continue reading “M.I.A.’s Dance Routine More Shocking Than Bird-Flip”

Jack Nicholson Is Definitely Not Going To The Superbowl

When asked by the paparazzi if he was going to the Super Bowl in Indianapolis Jack Nicholson responded in his get-off-my-lawn voice that he’d “rather drink bleach.”

Nicholson was born in New York so it would be logical to assume he’s a Giants fan but since he now lives in L.A. and roots for the Lakers as if it were a full-time job it’s impossible to know where he stands.

Your first thought might be that Jack just hates football and only prays at the alter of basketball but I have another theory. I believe he said he’d rather just bleach because of the spectacle of the thing.

Continue reading “Jack Nicholson Is Definitely Not Going To The Superbowl”