Drown Yourself in a Tub of Bronzer to Tan Mom’s Song

Tanning Mom songDirt-faced street peasant Patricia Krentcil, also known as “Tan Mom,” lurched and rubbed her brown body all over the recording studio to create a new song with the standard issue auto-tuned chorus.

In “It’s Tan Mom,” Krentcil tells us that she’s the sexiest fame-whore mom in the world of Z-list fame-whore moms. “Sexier” than porn star/Teen Mom Farrah Abraham and “hotter” than Octomom, she says.

Here are some lyrics by (or written for) the New Jersey potato skin:

“My name is Tan Mom. Tanning is the bomb.”

“I’ll be in not a tanning booth but outside with the birds. No, that doesn’t work, forget the birds.”

“I’ve got a message to use protection from the sun. Hahahaha.”  Mo’ intellectual wordthings…

Lindsay Lohan Owes A Tanning Salon $40,000

Tanning Vegas claims that Lindsay Lohan owes them $40,000 in unpaid tanning expenses from 2007 to 2009. A judge ordered her to pay the bill nine months ago and since she still hasn’t, they’re attempting to move the case from Vegas to California.

No matter how she tries to clean up her image, the past continues to haunt her…

She goes on SNL – her dad claims she was on prescription pills that she “doesn’t need.” Gets a job playing Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie with blind (and deaf) casting directors – this tanning news comes out (plus the Betty Ford assault thing).

Believe it or not, I don’t like judging people. I loved Lindsay in Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. I have less of a problem with the drugs and the [possible] plastic surgery as I do with the NOT PAYING PEOPLE.  Continue reading “Lindsay Lohan Owes A Tanning Salon $40,000”

NJ Woman Tries To Give Her Offspring A Tan

The classiest people are always from Nutley, New Jersey. Case in point, a mother from there was charged for endangerment after putting her gingery daughter into a tanning booth, which resulted in a mild burn.

The accused is Patricia Krentcil, a 44 year-old raisin that was dropped in an exceptionally dirty all-night bonfire. She says she’s been visiting cancer-coal salons her life and that while she loves tanning, she never put her 6 year-old child in the booth.

Krentcil says the burn is from playing in the yard. Mhmmmm. Listen, I’m going to tell a short story… At my old apartment building there was this woman who visited the pool everyday. We called her “tan lady.”  Continue reading “NJ Woman Tries To Give Her Offspring A Tan”