5 Holiday Movies to Melt Your Cynical Heart

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Yay! Holidays are here and it’s time to tune out gluttonous relatives who only ever brag about their children’s non-existent achievements, buy things you can’t afford or keep for yourself, and eat food that will shave five years off your life and force you to buy elastic maternity pants that only come in embarrassing colors.

So, while you’re decorating the tree you killed in your stained turquoise pants, here are some festive movies to pass the time and make that black icicle in your chest go thump thump thump.

(Omitted National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story for obvious reasons.)

1. Scrooged. Before What About Bob? and Groundhog Day, there was Scrooged with Bill Murray in his curly-haired prime in the best (and only?) Christmas Carol movie aimed at drink-holding adults.

2. Love, Actually. This one’s not so much for cynics, but it’s still a billion edgy steps up from anything dredged up from Nicholas Sparks’ toilet. Aging sellout Billy Mack steals the show with his corny rendition of “Love Is All Around.” Oh, and all I want for Christmas is a naked Bilbo Baggins (you’ll see).

3. Mixed Nuts. Liev Schreiber in drag and pregnant Juliette Lewis bitching to the tune of Adam Sandler’s ukulele. Help me solve the mystery of why this movie was panned by the critics.

4. Home For The Holidays. Truly the perfect dysfunctional family Thanksgiving movie, this centers around a brother and sister (an understated Robert Downey Jr. and Holly Hunter), their mom and crazy aunt Gladys. Also, shaky-chinned Claire Danes and douchey Dylan McDermott. “LET’S EAT DEAD BIRD!”

5. Bad Santa. Sarcastic drunk mall Santa befriends overly optimistic fat kid. Hilarity ensues. ‘Nuff said.

Justin Bieber Serenaded His Grandma NAKED (Yeah, You Heard Me)

justin bieber naked guitarWhat could be more gross and lobotomy-worthy than these photos of naked Justin Bieber covering his wee maple schlong with a sunburst guitar in front of his grandmother on Turkey Day?

TMZ guesses that Justin did this last November as some kind of prank because any excuse to put things down his pants or pull his pants and shirt completely off is the right kind of excuse. (And nudity and family just go so well together.)

Notice anything strange about the picture on the left besides the obvious? …It’s just that Justin is approximately 5’7″, putting the grandmother at about three feet.

Okay fine, taking the step down into account, 4’1.” She’s still a Hobbit.  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Serenaded His Grandma NAKED (Yeah, You Heard Me)”

The Time 35 South American Fans Broke Into Lady Gaga’s Garage

Little Peruvian Monsters broke into the house Lady Gaga was staying at before a show in Lima at Estadio San Marcos on Thanksgiving.

Gaga Tweeted that she was wandering around naked in the kitchen when she spotted them on the security camera.

“#MONSTERFACT when gaga is asleep try to break into the garage, sing loud as possible, + ring the doorbell repeatedly #happeningnow #badkids,” Lady G wrote.

“I should be mad i guess except i tried to figure out how to slide stuffing under the door, but theres no cat-flap.”  Continue reading “The Time 35 South American Fans Broke Into Lady Gaga’s Garage”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-23-12]

Spider-Man eats Uncle Sam’s ass for Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (ohmyGAHH!)

A long time ago, Mayans erected a statue honoring Lil’ Wayne. (TMZ)

Hector ‘Macho’ Camacho may be removed from life support on Saturday. (L.A. Times)

PETA talked Courtney Stodden into hiding her body. (Evil Beet)

Ke$ha doesn’t just have a necklace and earrings made of human teeth… (Allie is Wired)

Phresh off the 777 tour, Rihanna spends turkey day clubbing with Chris Brown. (E! Online)

Black Friday shoppers at Wal-Mart nearly kill each other for phones, towels, and games. (Gawker)

TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL! Here’s a 12-Year-Old Singing Into a Turkey Leg

I really didn’t want to talk about this because it was released two weeks ago and there’s nothing I can say about it that everyone else didn’t already but, since it’s November twentyfoodth, I give you a song that is not close to my heart at all, “It’s Thanksgiving” by Nicole Westbrook.

She’s the new Rebecca Black, her microphone is a turkey leg and her song goes like this, “December was Christmas. January was New Year. April was Easter. And the 4th of July, but now it’s Thanksgiving. Oh oh oh it’s Thanksgiving. We we we we are gonna have a good time.”

Today we honor the day Pilgrims unsuccessfully tried to poison the last remaining American Indians…

Continue reading “TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL! Here’s a 12-Year-Old Singing Into a Turkey Leg”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-22-12]

Epic Meal Time guys visit soup kitchen for “Thanksgiving care package.” (Daily Dot)

Blossom star Mayim Bialik divorces husband of nine years. (Jezebel)

Jackson Rathbone loves ketchup so much he got a bottle of it tattooed on his leg. (Celebuzz)

I’m thankful for family, friends and Black Friday video game deals. What else? (Kotaku)

Lady Gaga envious of Snoop Lion, gets dreadlocks. (ohmyGAHH!)

If you don’t have a turkey, use chicken. Oppan MacGyver style. (Deadspin)

Alec Baldwin loves his dog more than his wife or children. Plus, Emmy Rossum‘s hat. (E! Online)

Lady Gaga’s Thanksgiving Special Made Me Cry (For All The Wrong Reasons)

The Lady Gaga Thanksgiving special on ABC was, very surprising. Not because Lady Gaga wore strange and scandalous outfits or jumped in a mud puddle while licking a crucifix. It was surprising because it was so so…tame.

The high-budget affair, which aired from 9:30-11:00 p.m. averaged about 5.4 million viewers. Sadly things like Fox’s Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas special beat Ms. Germanotta who sang hits like “Born This Way,” “You And I,” “Edge Of Glory,” “Bad Romance,” “Hair” and “Marry The Night.” She also sang “White Christmas,” taking it upon herself to add a verse about a snowman to the classic.

Continue reading “Lady Gaga’s Thanksgiving Special Made Me Cry (For All The Wrong Reasons)”

LL Cool J Teaches The Ladies Of ‘The Talk’ The ‘Tandem Turkey Twist’

LL Cool J visited The Talk to discuss the Grammys, his recently deceased friend Heavy D and to teach the ladies some completely impractical turkey-related exercises to get their chair-formed arses a lift of mama-said-knock-you-out proportions.

Sara Gilbert refused to hold a turkey because she’s a vegan (Pshh I was a vegetarian for six years and I never pretended meat didn’t exist for other people) ANYWAY she held a pumpkin instead while Mr. Cool J had them “work their cores” by handing off birds while standing back to back.

Continue reading “LL Cool J Teaches The Ladies Of ‘The Talk’ The ‘Tandem Turkey Twist’”