WATCH: ‘The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug’ Extended Trailer

My description of the new Hobbit trailer is worse than my retelling of events in Syria (“bad guys” and “boom” over and over), but Dwarves are like, DIS MINE and then the dragon is like NOPE and Bilbo puts on the ring and Gandalf rolls his eyes in disapproval because he’s tired of always being right.

Expect lots of sexy beards, Smaug and a bunch of characters that were never actually in the book doing things that they would never do even if they had been.

(Benedict Cumberbatch telling Bilbo to step into the light is admittedly splooge-worthy.)

Trailer: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

In the new trailer for the second Hobbit movie, The Desolation of Smaug, we get a few glimpses of Orlando Bloom: House of Wax edition, plus a totally LOST Evangeline Lilly and Lee Pace as Thranduil.

No sign of Smaug with the pleasant voice of Benedict Cumberbatch yet, but we all know Peter Jackson will turn him into Bowser. Like Gollum, Smaug is kind of a likable villain, but not cartoonishly likeable. (If An Unexpected Journey taught me anything, it’s that we can’t pray that crap away.)
Legolas gif desolation of smaugThranduil the hobbit desolation of smaug gif eyebrows elf
HURRY LEGOLAS! KILL THE EYBROWS AND THEN KILL YOURSELF!  Continue reading “Trailer: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug”

Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?

Evangeline Lilly elfI have no qualms with Evangeline Lilly. I liked her on Lost even though the show sucked time-travelling buttholes for prematurely killing some of the best characters (Ana-Lucia, Shannon, Libby, Mr. Eko etc.) George R. R. Martin-style and making less sense than Ke$ha in a bookstore.

Lost rant done. The Hobbit rant loading… Eva-L.-not-Longoria has been cast as the completely made-up [by Peter Jackson and not J.R.R. Tolkien] warrior elf Tauriel in the new Hobbit movie, The Desolation of Smaug, and Entertainment Weekly has a first look at her all decked out in ren faire sh*t looking like one of the Merry Men in a grade school production of Robin Hood.

Read: The Five Most Irritating Ways Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit Deviated From The Book

Again, nothing wrong with Evangeline Lilly. Everything wrong with Jackson and his caca rendition of a masterpiece. (Plus braindead wardrobe people.) Lilly explained to EW that while Tauriel is “totally ruthless” and ready to kill, she will also “definitely have a love story,” possibly with Legolas.  Continue reading “Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-16-12]

Bilbo nakedThe Hobbit: An Unexpected Video Game Journey breaks three-day opening records. (Celebuzz)

Sean Penn calls Robin Wright and Madonna’s love fraudulent. (ohmyGAHH!)

Does anyone remember the Ali and Lindsay Lohan Christmas song from 2006? (Evil Beet)

Kelly Clarkson‘s ring from “greatest man ever” Brandon Blackstock is big and yellow. (ONTD!)

The first celebrity to complain about the Nirvana reunion is… (Spinner)

Shenae Grimes (who will always be Darcy Edwards to me) is also engaged. (E! Online)

Everyone’s favorite everything Jennifer Lawrence hosting SNL Jan. 19. (Entertainment Weekly)

Adam Brown As A Dwarf Or Jim Carrey In ‘Dumb And Dumber?’

Have I mentioned that I’m not that excited about the upcomingHobbit trilogy? I think I have, plenty. I’ve read the book more than a couple of times, and while I do remember some of the dwarves as whimsical, I wouldn’t say I pictured Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber.

A new trailer and promotional photos reveal Adam Brown as Ori/Lloyd Christmas in what I can only assume is recycled hair and makeup from Snow White And The Huntsman.  Continue reading “Adam Brown As A Dwarf Or Jim Carrey In ‘Dumb And Dumber?’”

The Three G’s That Put Nails In The Hobbit’s Coffin – Guillermo, Graphics, ‘Game Of Thrones’

I know people love Peter Jackson‘s Lord Of The Rings trilogy, I just don’t always know why. A good series, derived from a few of the best fantasy novels of all time. Is that enough? Maybe, since there’s no basis for comparison…

Now that we’ve seen Game Of Throneswe’ve learned that fantasy can be done without cheesy special effects and dialogue.

It can be gritty and unrated, taking itself seriously enough to keep us on the edge of our seats without a total lack of humor (see Peter Dinklage and Maisie Williams).

Continue reading “The Three G’s That Put Nails In The Hobbit’s Coffin – Guillermo, Graphics, ‘Game Of Thrones’”

New Images From ‘The Hobbit’ Emerge, Will Make You Feel Even More Blasé

Ten photos from Peter Jackson‘s The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey have been released via Entertainment Weekly. The movie, due out December 15 of this year, is Jackson’s first directing gig since 2009’s underwhelming The Lovely Bones.

I can’t say that these pictures, which come with quotes from the actors, reveal much that can’t be seen in the trailer. They do make me wonder if the two parts of The Hobbit will be improved in comparison to their predecessors that totally don’t hold up over time.  Continue reading “New Images From ‘The Hobbit’ Emerge, Will Make You Feel Even More Blasé”

This Is What Gollum Should Look Like…

When envisioning J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, some people use images in their heads concocted from reading sessions while others think of Peter Jackson’s films or the late 70’s cartoons by Topcraft (precursor to Studio Ghibli).

Others could imagine something like this. Limited edition Lord Of The Rings illustrations of Gollum, Bilbo Baggins, Nazgûl, orcs, Éowyn, Gandalf, and dwarves by legendary fantasy/sci-fi artist Frank Frazetta.

Frazetta, known for Conan The Barbarian paintings (one sold in 2009 for $1 million), Molly Hatchet album covers, and various comic book work, published these drawings in 1975 to a mere 1,000 lucky people.

Take note, Peter Jackson. This is what Gollum is supposed to be, twisted and terrifying and a little sad. It’s nothing that easily translates to film. No offense to Andy Serkis.  Continue reading “This Is What Gollum Should Look Like…”

‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ Trailer

 I think most people my age and older have a stronger connection with J.R.R. Tolkien‘s The Hobbit than they do with The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and that is because it is the first time they were introduced to Bilbo and Frodo and because it is the easiest to read, which helps when you’re 11.

I’m even more excited about Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey than I was about The Fellowship Of The Ring, though I’m still upset about the loss of Guillermo Del Toro as director and producer. (He’s now credited for a fraction of the screenplay)

Continue reading “‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ Trailer”