Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [10-12-12]

The Situation channels Mark Wahlberg in new PETA ad. (Gawker)

Watch the Hitchcock trailer now for sexy bald Hannibal as Alfred. (ohmyGAHH!)

Michael Vick‘s dog is “well cared for and loved.” (TMZ)

Instructor at Zumba ran a prostitution ring out of her studio. (CBS)

Shailene Woodley (The Descendants) as the new Mary Jane in the next Spider-Man? (G4)

“My mom does not do cocaine,” says liar liar Lindsay Lohan on fire. (Daily Mail)

Kobe Bryant says ex-teammate Smush Parker was “the worst” point guard ever. (Yahoo!)

If you’ve never seen Bar Refaeli in a bikini, here’s your chance. (Celebuzz)

MTV Buckles Down For Sober Situation And Mother Snookeresa

Jersey Shore fans, get ready for some news to quake your kooka. All you spray-tan loving, stupidity voyeurism-addiction-having motherfuckers better prepare for some new cast members as the show ‘transitions into a new generation.’

According to TMZ, MTV network executives are searching for fresh talent to incorporate into seasons six and seven. The production company behind the runaway exploitative hit, 495, look to limit The Situation and Snooki’s roles in light of their recent life changes.

Mike Sorrentino will likely be sober or at least keeping a TV facade of sobriety while Snooki prepares to breastfeed pour White Russians directly into her baby’s mouth. (Speculation)

Mike Sorrentino Is In A Pills, Rehab And Rumors Type Of Situation

First everyone was like ‘The Situation is in rehab’ and now they’re like ‘oh wait, he’s not, but let’s just pretend because it’s a good story.’

Unless he IS at Cirque Lodge and somehow Tweeting from there even though rehabilitation facilities do not allow cell phones or computer use. (There’s always the chance that someone is ghost-tweeting for him?)

He wrote a message on Tuesday night and then again on Wednesday saying to “Not believe everything you hear, especially from TMZ” then posted a message on his website reading:

“I want to set the record straight. I have voluntarily taken steps to get control of a prescription medication problem I had due to exhaustion. 

“I have spent the past several weeks getting treatment for this problem and recuperating from my work and appearance schedule.  I appreciate my fans support and love you guys.”  Continue reading “Mike Sorrentino Is In A Pills, Rehab And Rumors Type Of Situation”

Ho Motherfuckin’ Ho, Have A Very Snooki Christmas

The Home Shopping Network has done it again, along with their tacky collection of items “inspired by The Helpand “The Mariah Carey Collection,” you can buy Snooki, The Situation and Pauly D Christmas ornaments!

I advise against actually buying this stuff unless it’s for a white elephant party or any type of joke. Besides, you can’t anyway, because they’re sold out.

The ornaments were made available for purchase earlier in November as part of “A Very Snooki Holiday Gift Special,” which included perfume, sunglasses, handbags “Crocodilly” replicas and slippers. (Still no furry boots)

Continue reading “Ho Motherfuckin’ Ho, Have A Very Snooki Christmas”

The Situation’s Jewel-Encrusted Lollipops

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is the first male celebrity to bring us lollipops with (fake) diamonds on the handle/stick part of it sold by The Sugar Factory in Las Vegas at several locations.

This is one of many random business ventures from The Situation, after the tanning bed chain and the protein-infused vodka that he promotes…

Continue reading “The Situation’s Jewel-Encrusted Lollipops”

Hustler Loves “The Situation,” Abercrombie, Not So Much

Abercrombie & Fitch, the famous clothing line for youths and early 20-somethings issued a statement Tuesday that proposed an offer to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore/ab-flashing fame to stop wearing their clothing, here’s what a spokesperson for Abercrombie said:

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image.  We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’sThe Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand.  We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently awaiting a response.”

I think referring to themselves as “aspirational” is a bit of a stretch considering they’re the ones that had to stop sending out copies of their A&F quarterly promotional publication due to lawsuits surrounding controversial imagery that included jailbait boobs and young men’s abs! (Not to mention claims of racial discrimination by former employees)

Continue reading “Hustler Loves “The Situation,” Abercrombie, Not So Much”

Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere, Recap! (Snooki’s Workout + Jwoww’s Botox)

That’s right, tonight was a very special night. Another important moment in nothingness. Season four of Jersey Shore has finally arrived. The show premiered in Italy with many questions to be answered. Well, honestly, I had no questions. I knew that 1. there will be a car accident. 2. The cast is just as stupid in Italy as in America. And 3. everyone is going to “smush.”

The show starts out in the unfiltered smog of America’s poorly-aged butthole err garden state, NJ. Nothing interesting happens until the boys and girls, Mike “The Situation,” Jenni “Jwoww” Farley, Vinny, Pauly D, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Ronnie and Sammi “Sweetheart” arrive in their new foreign home. Like everything else on the show, the new house looks like an imitation. A cheesy high-school project idea of what Italy would be. Marble, statues and pillars with red and yellow paint tossed in for good measure.

Continue reading “Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere, Recap! (Snooki’s Workout + Jwoww’s Botox)”