Tim Tebow Cut From Patriots For Sucking at Life

tebow patriotsFormer Gators and Jets maverick Tim Tebow has been cut from his current team, The New England Patriots because he completely failed to impress Bill Belichick with his chesticles and gay bar-friendly face.

The no-trick pony that somehow led the Broncos to the playoffs early last year was not chosen to even be a backup quarterback to the equally good looking and far more gifted Tom Brady.

“I would like to thank Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, Coach McDaniels and the entire Patriots organization for giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a classy organization,” Tebow wrote on Twitter. “I pray for nothing but the best for you all. I will remain in relentless pursuit of continuing my lifelong dream of being an NFL quarterback.”

Some other team will likely pick him up and drop him faster than a baby with a unibrow. I hear the Bengals need a few new cheerleaders…

Tim Tebow To Join Tom Brady and the Patriots as Third-String QB?

Tebow and Brady meme Handsome virgin quarterback Tim Tebow‘s name will likely be slapped on the back of a Patriots jersey for the 2013-14 season.

According to ESPN’s sources, Tebow is expected to arrive at Pats’ minicamp tomorrow morning.

Mike Reiss pointed out that since definite starter Tom Brady is healthy and their backup QB, Ryan Mallett, has two more years on his contract, Tebow may be the team’s last resort third-string option.

Coach Bill Belichick’s past comments on Mallett have been lukewarm, telling NFL owners meeting attendees in March that he “performed well” in 2012-13. “I couldn’t comment on that,” Belichick said in response to trade rumors. “I’m glad he plays for our team.”

I think we can all agree that, with that arm, Tim Tebow barely deserves a spot as a cheerleader for the Lingerie Football League, let alone a spot on any team in the NFL. (Even the 2008 Lions.)

Neil Patrick Harris ‘Too Gay’ For The Super Bowl

Neil Patrick Harris eye black Neil Patrick Harris is being accused of “pushing a gay agenda” and mocking Christianity because of a new Super Bowl promo featuring him wearing eye black with the date of the game written inside it.

“CBS, the television network airing the big game this year, is now using an outspoken homosexual actor to mimic Tim Tebow’s style of trumpeting messages in eyeblack on his face,” Joe Kovacs of the conservative website WND wrote in an article titled “‘Gay’ CBS star now mimics Tim Tebow?”  Continue reading “Neil Patrick Harris ‘Too Gay’ For The Super Bowl”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-21-12]

Tim Tebow Vogues it up in Vogue, pushes tire using Jesus strength. (Deadspin)

Guess how man people have already been misled by 3D Apple Maps? (Gizmodo)

Lindsay Lohan and Chalie Sheen, in bed together. (ohmyGAHH!)

New Tegan and Sara track “Closer” is synth pop heaven. (Rolling Stone)

O.J. Simpson‘s houseguest Kato Kaelin says O.J. definitely “did it.” (L.A. Times)

Animal print bikinis for children by Elizabeth Hurley?? (Celebitchy)

Calvin Klein hired a private investigator to follow his ex-boyfriend. (NY Daily News)

90’s sensations Smash Mouth collaborate with Guy Fieri. (Grouchy Muffin)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-15-12]

Jesus appears to us as shirtless Tim Tebow in GQ. (Us Weekly)

Taylor Swift dates Kennedy kid for a few days, buys a house on the family compound. (People)

Snow White cut from Snow White sequel? (Examiner)

Kim Kardashian is in jail! On television. (Huffington Post)

The Loch Ness monster is totally real. Smaller than you’d imagine. (Daily Mail)

Oldest-sheriff-ever Arnold Schwarzenegger is in town. (Twitch)

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen are going to die in Scary Movie 5. (Yahoo!)

Katy Perry thinks her ass deserves a season pass AND free flip-flops. (ABC)

Sometimes, members of the communist party are a hoot. Key word: members. (Gawker)

Mel Gibson has no idea why you don’t like him. (Evil Beet)

Guess who’s engaged? Jennifer Aniston and Justin not-Timberlake. (Zap2it)

Tim Tebow Is Posing For Pictures He Doesn’t Want Anyone To See

 Broadway actress Neka Zang says she was asked to remove the above picture of her and other Rock Of Ages performers in bikini tops posing with Tim Tebow. After removing the photo from Twitter Monday morning, she wrote:

“Well, Due to Tebow’s ‘image’ I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half dressed ladies. He does know we arn’t real strippers right?” Adding, “Tweeps. I’m not mad, or judging. Just letting u all know I took the pic down.”   Continue reading “Tim Tebow Is Posing For Pictures He Doesn’t Want Anyone To See”

God Sends Tebow To The Jets, Manning To Broncos

The Denver Broncos acquired Peyton Manning from the Colts after whispers of trades from the Dolphins, Cardinals, Titans and 49ers spread like a wildfire that was extinguished faster than you can say “pigskin.”

Twenty four year-old Tim Tebow may be good for publicity – the face of buzzcut Jesus and a devotion admired by many – but his statistics beg to differ.

He even had me believing for a moment, after he brought Denver to the second round of the playoffs for the first time since 2006. Now he’ll likely be playing alongside Mark Sanchez in a wildcat formation.  Continue reading “God Sends Tebow To The Jets, Manning To Broncos”

Nice One, Denver Airport (Tebow Mania Recap)

Whether you’re drinking the haterade or the gatorade, it’s likely you’re following Tim Tebow in one way or another. You probably can’t even help it. “Tebowing” replaced planking and Lady Gaga called him a champion after the wild card game against the Steelers, which they won in overtime.

If it wasn’t enough that Denver beat Pittsburgh, who have made it to three Super Bowls since 2006, Tebow threw for exactly 316 yards. Tim Tebow’s public and longtime favorite Bible verse? John 3:16. Coincidence?

Continue reading “Nice One, Denver Airport (Tebow Mania Recap)”

The Real Headline Is That Bill Maher Types “U” Instead Of “You”

What right does Bill Maher have making fun of Tim Tebow or bible humpers when he is too lazy to spell out the word “you?” Okay, backstory: notorious liberal atheist Maher went on Twitter and made jokes about Jesus fucking over Tebow because he lost so badly (40-14) to the Bills.

I could care less about what fundamentalist windbags are against this week, it’s usually the opposite of interesting. When I heard this story and read the Tweets I was much more surprised and shocked by Bill Maher’s typing style. “Pls?” “u?” “re” instead of “read?”

Continue reading “The Real Headline Is That Bill Maher Types “U” Instead Of “You””