Emily Blunt Made Tom Cruise Look at Weird Sex Stuff

Emily Blunt broke Tom Cruise’s spirit and grossed him out, but it was all in good fun. Here’s some context: Blunt, who stars in Edge of Tomorrow with Cruise, recently told Jimmy Jimmel that she invited him to a sex club auspiciously called “The Box” in Soho, London, but it was okay because other famous people were there, like her husband, and Matt Damon.

She describes the club as being known for “weird things that are supposed to make you cringe.” Here’s a more detailed specification of said cringeworthy weirdness, from Wiki:

Unusual acts conducted at the club have been reported such as pigs licking food off of strippers’ stomachs, unsanctioned orgies and a performer known as “Laqueefa”, who apparently can play popular tunes with her genitalia.

You all remember the face Tom makes when he encounters regular, non song-playing vaginas…

Scientology Really Did Ruin Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Marriage, In Case There Were Any Doubts

Katie holmes afraid of tomWhen Tom Cruise was asked in court if Scientology was “one of the reasons” Katie Holmes divorced him, he reportedly said “That was one of the assertions, yes.”

But, since he’s still a Scientologist and finds all lines of questioning that in any way paint Scientology in a bad light super offensive (just as I find religions that are under 60-years-old super offensive), he is also quoted as saying “there is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”

And I guess that’s sort of true since there aren’t a lot of children’s book about the power of Xenu’s silver booty shorts and hypnotizing lazer eyes. Or are there?

I haven’t been to that Church in awhile. Last time I was there I took a gem off the wall and sold it for a mansion and a helicopter and I think I may replaced Katie as their number one target. #DangerZone

Cher and Tom Cruise Used To Bang Harder Than Illegal Fireworks

Cher Tom cruise dated To wash out the bad taste after Heather Locklear’s snooty Tom Cruise story on Chelsea Lately about his supposedly horrible dance moves, I’ve got a complimentary one for you from Cher.

During a game called “Gypsies, Tramps and Tea” on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Cher said her two-month relationship with a pre-scientology Cruise was “pretty hot and heavy.”

“I’ve had just the greatest lovers ever! … He was in the top five,” she explained.

Cher also told Oprah in 2008 that she was “crazy” about Tom during their steamy mid-’80s fling. Basically she wishes she  could turn back time and be the Elvira to his Dracula for all 365 days of the year.

What would sex between them even look like? He was 23 and she was 39, so I’m assuming she threw him on the ceiling and shot borrowed Village People arrows at his dimples before nap and juice box time.

Heather Locklear Comes Off a Tad Bitchy Talking About Her Non-Date With Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise Heather Locklear 80s Heather Locklear came on Chelsea Lately last night to tell a few stories, including one semi-interesting one about how she hung out with Tom Cruise back in the day and was disturbed by his dance moves.

“It wasn’t really a date,” Locklear told Chelsea Handler. “We had auditioned for something together and he didn’t have any friends … I mean, not that he doesn’t have friends. Out here he doesn’t have friends.”

I’m guessing by the way she talks about him that he didn’t call her back or something, because what woman in their right mind wouldn’t sit on circa 1982 Tom Cruise’s face? Oh yeah, someone who married Richie Sambora after an eight ball and a handful of elephant tranquilizers.

“You know in Risky Business where he does that dance in his underwear and he does the splits?” she said. “We were dancing in a club and he went into that. He started doing the splits.”  Continue reading “Heather Locklear Comes Off a Tad Bitchy Talking About Her Non-Date With Tom Cruise”

Kristen Stewart and Tom Cruise are the Shiftiest Minxes in Hollywood

Kristen Stewart frustratedKristen Stewart is the quiet girl in the corner who scribbles your name in a death note, according to a Reader’s Digest poll that required 1,000 people to vote on which actors and actresses they trust the least.

Tom Cruise, the whacky homeschooled boy who befriends you so he can probe your ass with pointy alien artifacts, also topped the list of untrustworthy names in Hollywood.

In the realm of meaningless popularity contests that I don’t trust, I’d say this list ranks pretty high.

Not trusting someone because of their religion is like not trusting someone because they’re gay. Worried Tom Cruise will jump on a sofa and lure you into his spaceship? How about you just NOT become a Scientologist.

Kristen Stewart was hated long before she cheated on Robert Pattinson. She’s a monster because she’s shy, can’t walk in heels, and has been known to complain about fame.

Why the f*ck isn’t Mel Gibson on this list? He’s racist, sexist and anti-semitic…  Continue reading “Kristen Stewart and Tom Cruise are the Shiftiest Minxes in Hollywood”

John Xenu Travolta Heals Broken Bones With Magic Scientology ‘Assist’

John Travolta angelJohn Travolta tells Celebrity Magazine that he helped a man in China who had broken his ankle in a car crash. Here’s where it gets interesting. Travolta performed an “assist” to speed up the healing process.

It involves Scientology, giving another man a rubdown AND it’s like that movie Michael. You know, the one where he’s an unconventional angel who brings dogs back to life?

“I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies’ best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain,” he revealed in an article brought to light by Celebuzz called “John Travolta: Stayin’ Very Alive.”  Continue reading “John Xenu Travolta Heals Broken Bones With Magic Scientology ‘Assist’”

Katie Holmes Believes The Church Of Scientology Is Spying On Her

Mysterious vehicles have been spotted outside of Katie Holmes‘ New York apartment that she has been staying at for the last few weeks.

She believes they belong to representatives of The Church Of Scientology.

Others (paparazzi) say the cars, a black SUV and a white Cadillac Escalade, could be occupied by people from the press looking for anything that they could call a story.

Rumor has it one of Holmes’ reasons for divorce was to prevent six-year-old Suri from being further exposed to the religion. But what would Scientologists gain from these spying excursions?

Are they going to kidnap her and force her to take back her request for sole custody?

Continue reading “Katie Holmes Believes The Church Of Scientology Is Spying On Her”

Katie Holmes Filed For Divorce From Tom Cruise, Remains Tight-Lipped On Why

Turns out the third time wasn’t a charm for Tom Cruise, the rather shocking news is that Katie Holmes filed for divorce on Thursday, just days before his birthday. Friend and attorney Bert Fields told Reuters:

“Katie filed for divorce yesterday. Tom is very saddened by that, and right now he is concentrating on the kids…Tom wants to be very private.”

Holmes’ lawyer, Jonathan Wolfe, was the first to confirm the split saying, “This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family, Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”

So, privacy and secrecy until one of them (or “a source”) starts leaking information. Maybe it was an amicable divorce. Maybe they fell out of love in the last year of their five-year marriage…

Continue reading “Katie Holmes Filed For Divorce From Tom Cruise, Remains Tight-Lipped On Why”

Actors With Girl Hair, Singing 80’s Songs!

I should briefly talk about the Rock Of Ages movie because I feel oddly obligated, maybe because it looks pretty silly and has a bunch of famous people in it. There’s no way it can be sillier than that Seth MacFarlane movie about Mark Wahlberg and the teddy bear that comes to life.

Rock Of Ages is based on a Tony-winning musical and thankfully, does not feature a stuffed animal that sounds suspiciously like Peter from Family Guy. It stars shirtless Tom Cruise, emo Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mary J. Blige, Paul Giamatti and emo-er Russell Brand.

Continue reading “Actors With Girl Hair, Singing 80’s Songs!”

Rosie O’Donnell: Tom Cruise Isn’t Gay Because He’s Into Race Cars

Listen up, people who are gay are sometimes no less likely to enable false sexuality stereotypes than anyone else, for instance: Rosie O’Donnell last night on Piers Morgan.

When discussing celebrity friends and the scrutiny surrounding their private lives and preferences, she made one of the biggest and most common mistakes…

Continue reading “Rosie O’Donnell: Tom Cruise Isn’t Gay Because He’s Into Race Cars”