Trailer: Terminator Genisys

The new Terminator movie is just different enough to not be Salvation (the one with Christian Bale) or Rise of the Machines (the one with Claire Danes) and just familiar enough to generate interest. This is the one with Emilia Clarke with hardcore Linda Hamilton hair delivering the iconic “Come with me if you want to live” line.

  
Plus a school bus flipping over, shirtless Arnold and naked Jai Courtney (from Spartacus).

Things Worth Noting from the ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Teaser

John Boyega star wars
Before sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner I ask my Mom how she feels about new Star Wars movies being made and I learn that she had NO IDEA about the George Lucas abominations made long after the good ones from the ’70s and ’80s.

She might be the luckiest woman on earth, and not just because I’m her daughter.
droid bot volleyball gif the force awakens
Anyway, the new trailer – which hopes to fully erase The Phantom Menace from our minds as well – features a scared black man, a bot riding around on a volleyball and a mysterious member of the dark side hunched over in the woods. (Space Voldemort?)

An authoritative voice tells us “There has been an awakening.” How awake are we?

Continue reading “Things Worth Noting from the ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Teaser”

Trailer: Big Eyes

After years of tackling bizarre films about scissor-handed bondage enthusiasts, apes in space, Dracula and other monsters, almost all exclusively starring Johnny Depp, Tim Burton has turned over a new leaf. Title aside, Big Eyes is being billed as Tim Burton’s most “normal” movie since Big Fish, which, if you recall, still featured a giant and a witch.

Sans monsters and Depp, the movie is based on the real-life story of an artist (Amy Adams) whose husband (Christoph Waltz) took credit for her work in ’50s/60s-era San Francisco.

Continue reading “Trailer: Big Eyes”

Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer

Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.

The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.)  Continue reading “Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer”

‘Life After Beth’ is Aubrey Plaza’s ‘Warm Bodies’

Aubrey Plaza zombie movieAs far as zombie comedies go, there’s Zombieland with its famed rules of escape, British zomedy Shaun of the Dead, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Planet Terror, Zack Snyder’s super gory Dawn of the Dead remake etc.

The latest, Life After Beth, has two parents (John C. Reilly and Molly Shannon) and a boyfriend (Dane DeHaan) dealing with the reality of their beloved (Aubrey Plaza) rising from the grave.

It’s essentially Warm Bodies with a gender reversal, only one zombie and a focus on the former human’s newfound appetite for flesh. Or Jennifer’s Body advertised properly, with queen of one-liners/Parks and Rec show-stealer as the dead girl.

In theaters August 15. Click HERE to watch the trailer.  Continue reading “‘Life After Beth’ is Aubrey Plaza’s ‘Warm Bodies’”

Trailer: Dumb and Dumber To

I fear a lot of things that I’ll probably never be faced with, headless clowns (because they literally don’t have faces) and the ghosts of the children I murdered, to name a few.

Having a dusty vagina that refuses to push out a steady stream of urine by itself is another very plausible concern, a combo that is covered in the Dumb and Dumber To trailer.
  
Jeff Daniels – hot off his Emmy-winning role as Will McAvoy on the The Newsroom – tugs so hard on Jim Carrey’s catheter that he flies out of his wheelchair. Later, they finger a woman who appears to be a few years older than myself… #FearsRealized

Juliette Binoche Pines After Kristen Stewart in ‘Clouds of Sils Maria’ Trailer

Over the weekend, audiences at Cannes were pleasantly surprised by Clouds of Sils Maria starring Juliette Binoche as over-40 actress Maria Enders and Kristen Stewart as her assistant and only friend.

Enders’ career is revived when she is offered a role in a new version of the play that made her famous. The twist is that it’s not the role she played in her youth, but instead that of a woman who is driven to suicide by a younger employee.
    
Enders struggles to com to terms with reality as she realizes the actress filling her shoes (Chloë Grace Moretz) is an “unsettling reflection of herself.”  Continue reading “Juliette Binoche Pines After Kristen Stewart in ‘Clouds of Sils Maria’ Trailer”

Scarlett Johansson Kicks Ass in ‘Lucy’ Trailer

Lucy, from Luc Besson (The Fifth Element), starring Scarlett Johansson, is action-packed and intriguing despite sharing a lot of plot points with the ultra sh*tty Bradley Cooper movie Limitless, about brain power…

After mobster types implant “a bag of drugs” in her stomach, ScarJo kicks mo’ better ass than Black Widow and starts asking questions of a certain freckled scientist (Morgan Freeman) about her newfound abilities.
  
It makes me immensely happy to see ultra bubbly/charismatic Analeigh Tipton, who appears briefly in the trailer as a friend of Lucy’s, of America’s Next Top Model (and then Crazy, Stupid, Love, Hung and Warm Bodies) getting so many roles.  Continue reading “Scarlett Johansson Kicks Ass in ‘Lucy’ Trailer”

The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Stupidly Gigantic

new Ninja turtles gigantic CGI
Well, the new Ninja Turtles movie looks even worse than I thought it would, which is pretty f*cking bad. If only the first trailer was a parody “what if Michael Bay used his trademark, horrible CGI to make the turtles like medium-sized Transformers, completely changed their origin story, and cast a brunette to play April?”

I mean… You seriously couldn’t bother to dye Megan Fox‘s hair red? WHAT THE HELL???
new Shredder Ninja Turtles 2014
I want to completely blame Bay, but I’m sure the director, Jonathan Liebesman (Battle: Los Angeles), and writers, André Nemec and Josh Appelbaum (the team responsible for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol), all contributed to the TMNT sucking king-sized ass.  Continue reading “The New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are Stupidly Gigantic”

Trailer: Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

Nine years – at least six after we’d completely forgotten about the first Sin City movie and all the posters of Jessica Alba’s rodeo-themed striptease are undoubtedly lining a landfill or a hamster cage instead of the shelves at Spencer’s – and Dimension Films and Robert Rodriguez have finally given us a sequel.

A Dame To Kill For features new, prominent roles for Josh Brolin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ray Liotta and Juno Temple plus familiar favorites like Mickey Rourke as himself deformed sweetheart Marv, Alba as Nancy, Rosario Dawson as Old Town badass Gail, Jaime King as Wendy and Bruce Willis as John Hartigan.

Trailer: Guardians of the Galaxy

Dudes will love the new full-length Guardians of the Galaxy trailer because goofball Chris Pratt is the male version of Jennifer Lawrence. He is every man’s imaginary BFF and every woman’s imaginary boyfriend.

Handsome but not threateningly so, Pratt plays the mischievous Star-Lord in Marvel’s upcoming superhero ensemble also starring Zoe Saldana, John C. Reilly and voice work from Bradley Cooper and Vin Diesel.

It looks GOOOD partially thanks to virtually unknown director James Gunn, but mostly because of Chris.

Trailer: Game of Thrones Season 4: Vengeance

Another month passes that I continue to slack off and NOT catch up with the Song of Ice and Fire books in time for a new season. In the new trailer, Arya Stark is planning to roast Lannister body parts kebob-style, leaving all the ignant non-book smart folk wondering if the Khaleesi and her dragons will beat her to it.

Meanwhile, Joffrey’s marrying the ginger with the good boobs and Tyrion is living in fear of his own family, but the queen is PROBABLY too busy making kissy faces with her boyfriend-brother to kill him just yet.

Get your finger on the remote/torrent downloading button – Game of Thrones returns to HBO on April 6!

Orange is the New Black to Return June 6!

Awesome news to any and all who miss the amazingly lesbocentric and oddly heartwarming comedy about creepy prison guards and the women they terrorize -your favorite show to binge-watch Orange is the New Black, returns June 6.

More post-Valentine’s cheer from the OITNB tree, not only is ’90s darling Lori Petty (do I even need to utter the words “There’s no crying in baseball”?), but Netflix has released a season two teaser. It’s under 20 seconds and reveals absolutely nothing in terms of plot, but on the bright side, there’s probably more to come.

Random fact learned while Googling the show: Uzo Aduba was a figure skater for 10 years. Picture Crazy Eyes dancing on ice and tell me I didn’t just blow your mind. Continue reading “Orange is the New Black to Return June 6!”