Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video

Kesha dirty love stillIn a brand new video for “Dirty Love,” everybody’s favorite crusty party girl flashes skin on a stripper stage like a lazy Taylor Momsen or super energized Britney Spears.

In true Ke$ha fashion, she humps the air, covers her face to contain demonic laughter, slurps whip cream cans and balances her drunk self on a chain link fence.

For some reason, Iggy Pop’s random verse about Rick Santorum in a v-neck sweater that was included on her Warrior CD is missing. You know it’s a bad sign when the scraggliest heroin addict in town regrets working with you.

Her vagina is a glitter piñata and her body is 72% vodka. Raise a toast with your tuna martinis (tunatinis?) and try to avoid a fish hangover upon pressing the play button. Continue reading “Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video”

Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey

Jamie Dornan steamy photo gallery Hey depraved ladies and spicy gay gents, we have a new Christian Grey and he’s handsome and fit and has better hair than Charlie Hunnam!

If you haven’t seen Jamie Dornan‘s work as a steamy Calvin Klein Adonis as the Huntsman on Once Upon a Time or a pervy serial murderer in The Fall co-starring Gillian Anderson, take a deep breath and gaze into the physical prowess that may or may not make you say “Matt Bomer who?”

In 2006, Dornan was nicknamed “The Golden Torso” by the New York Times after he landed a small part in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.

Like Henry Cavill and so many sexy time sex bomb dudes, Dornan thrusts his crotch in our direction mumbling the words “I don’t see myself as particularly good-looking” with a completely straight face.

Continue reading “Underwear Model Jamie ‘Golden Torso’ Dornan Cast as Christian Grey”

Harry Styles Irons White Briefs in Gold Thong

Harry Styles Thong Against all odds – an enormous butterfly tattoo on the money-shot center of his chest, a third and fourth nipple and terrible acne – Harry Styles continues to be America’s adopted national treasure, capturing the attention of famous women like Emma Watson and Taylor Swift.

Oh, and you can add questionable taste in underwear to the list. Recently, an image of the British rose ironing his tighty-whities in a printed gold thong surfaced.

This unforgettable moment in time was captured in 2010 when Harry was just 16 and still competing on The X Factor. When I look at him, I think of the time I babysat a kid named Gabe, who must’ve been six at the time, and how I couldn’t get him to stop running down the street with no pants on.

I also need to know if he normally wears a thong under his briefs or if he just put it on so he could iron. (And if so, who gave it to him?)

David Beckham Predictably ‘Loses’ His Robe and Shirt For H&M

David Beckham shirtless H&M 2013Expert at dealing with artificial life forms Guy Ritchie directed David Beckham in a new H&M Bodywear ad that has him (and a big-bootied stunt double) running, jumping and swimming in a hapless effort to get his bathrobe back.

This involves flying past landscapers, Dobermans, soccer-playing children (to remind you that he’s not just a greased-up model for hire) and a tour bus full of horny ladies with camera phones.

I also learned that he gets an added jolt of speed by picking his butt. Congratulations Bot Spice, you’re a lucky lady.  Continue reading “David Beckham Predictably ‘Loses’ His Robe and Shirt For H&M”

Wyclef Jean: Young And Free On Italian Bike

Wyclef Jean’s 43rd birthday was this month and he celebrated it by sitting on an American-themed [Italian] Motorcycle in his underwear.

Jean posted a photo last week of him on his prized Ducati 998 Bostrom with the inspiring message,

TODAY I AM 43 YEARS OLD! I look And feel 26! U cant keep à good Man down! Keep à smile when they want you to frown!”

And indeed, many did try to make him frown with responses like “THIS WHY THEY SHOT AT YOU IN HAITI NIGGA,” “Did you buy the Ducati w/ embezzled Haiti funds?” and “FUCK YO BIRTHDAY BRUH.”

Continue reading “Wyclef Jean: Young And Free On Italian Bike”

Zac Efron Dances With Nicole Kidman In Rain-Soaked Tighty Whities

New stills of Zac Efron in The Paperboy, which I assume is about Zac’s relationship with an older woman who enjoys the New York Times so much that she pees on him after he’s stung by an angry homophobic jellyfish, have surfaced.

In them, he’s doing what he truly does best. Rolling around on the floor, almost completely naked.

Then for unknown reasons, Nicole [Kidman] decides that he isn’t quite in erotic enough of a situation, so she pushes him outside into the pouring rain and becomes so overwhelmed by old lady horniness that she grabs his hands and starts doing a menopausal mating dance of some sort.  Continue reading “Zac Efron Dances With Nicole Kidman In Rain-Soaked Tighty Whities”

Elvis’ Shit-Stained Briefs May Sell For Over $15,000

How much would you pay for a pair of used underwear complete with mysterious brown stains? Nothing, right? I mean, you’d pay someone $15,000 to get them away from your face huh?

Apparently, if it’s Elvis, a person’s views on soiled undergarments do a complete 180. Yep. Anything belonging to the king (of “pulling out”) who died on a throne (toilet) in 1977 goes for a high price.

This less-than-pristine article of clothing is expected to fetch £10,000 (around $15,800 American dollars) in a Greater Manchester auction of Presley’s personal items, including a Bible and some home movies.  Continue reading “Elvis’ Shit-Stained Briefs May Sell For Over $15,000”

Epic Victoria’s Secret Photoshop Fail

This is a photo of what I assume was once a woman, though it looks like two different people wearing matching pink Victoria’s Secret underwear, juxtaposed by men who masturbate to body dysmorphia awareness videos.

The model is Brazil’s Lais Ribeiro. Emphasis on “rib,” I guess (too easy). VS’s Facebook has already received nearly 2,000 comments on it ranging from “sexy” to “anorexia?”

It takes a second to even realize what’s wrong with it, kind of like a Magic Eye poster. If you’re completely tainted by the constant bombardment of other poorly Photoshopped advertisements and promos, I will spell it out for you…

The bottom part of her stomach is much bigger than the top, where her arms cross. SEE IT?

 

Jesus, Mario Lopez, Just Be My Gay Best Friend Already

It’s a bold statement, me saying that Mario Lopez isn’t gay when you’re looking at a picture of him covered in paint, posing in booty shorts and expressing himself with his hands…

He’s just one of those guys, like Ryan Seacrest, or Eli Roth. You’re convinced they’re gay, but there’s a lot of evidence to the contrary.

The underwear line he’s working for in this picture is called “Muchachomalo” and he says it’s “masculine with an edge.” An edge of estrogen, maybe.

I just imagine Mario and I prancing around the nude beach we have here (Rooster Rock, you can guess its nickname), me fully clothed and him in his gold paint, looking for a potential top to his plastic-covered bottom.  Continue reading “Jesus, Mario Lopez, Just Be My Gay Best Friend Already”

Katy Perry Steals Used Underwear From Granny’s Boudoir

Katy Perry made a splash when she wandered the streets of Paris (for fashion week) in some foam green creation that is likely from a suspicious thrift store that sells used underwear, probably stolen from the homes of recently deceased grannies.

Questionably obtained sheer skirt and drawers aside, I’ve always wondered, is she a mermaid? Will her legs slowly dissipate and transform into a long scaly tail that flops back and forth like Jessica Simpson’s knockers, Netflix stock, and Obama’s opinion on gay rights?

Her colorful hair and general lack of comprehension make me wonder such things for hours on end.

She also wore a very pointy ring, but I attribute that to her going to a dinner that honored Karl Lagerfeld, and she must’ve needed it to stab him in case he started mumbling about enslaving her for one of his German experiments.

Kathy Griffin’s Dress Fell Off Again

Kathy Griffin joined the likes of Drew Barrymore and Courtney Love when she stripped live on his show Friday evening. Instead of jumping on his desk and flashing him, she was dared to.

After the topic of her naked New Year’s celebration with Anderson Cooper came up, Kathy said she’d “do it right now” and Dave replied “go, go ahead.” He even helped her out of her dress, and thankfully her bra never left her body.

It’s very confusing when a self-proclaimed d-list comedian begins to constantly strip and show off her new body on television.

Female nudity is not funny, unless of course it’s a fat chick.

Continue reading “Kathy Griffin’s Dress Fell Off Again”

Rihanna Smoking In Hawaii, Plus More Armani Pics

Barbado-not-so-clowntastic-anymore Rihanna was photographed Monday and Tuesday casually puffing on what was almost surely a blunt.

I use “casually” loosely because it actually looks like she fell asleep smoking it though I guess she was just resting her eyes and dreaming of scrawny blonde men with bad tempers.

Continue reading “Rihanna Smoking In Hawaii, Plus More Armani Pics”

Who Else Is Sick Of Seeing Justin Bieber’s Panties?

Certainly no one under the age of 15 is sick of seeing Justin Beiber’s flamboyant and non-matching undies, but I certainly am and I’m sure other people are too. I find it disturbing and vexing, not to mention completely unnecessary.

Plus I know he’s doing it as part of a trend, not a very current one though, I might add. He always been sort of a skater-wigger combination, and the baggy pants fit that.

Continue reading “Who Else Is Sick Of Seeing Justin Bieber’s Panties?”

Rihanna’s Naked Armani Bowl Haircut

Back in July it was announced that Rihanna would be the new face/body of Emporio Armani’s underwear line.

Now black and white photos have surfaced showing the Barbados pop star sporting a blonde bowl haircut/wig, and some very serious to sad facial expressions for the campaign…

Continue reading “Rihanna’s Naked Armani Bowl Haircut”

Wedding Dress Optional, With Victoria’s Secret ‘Bridal Line’

Victoria’s Secret have launched a new line of underwear aimed at women on their wedding day and specifically, their wedding night, as well.

Their campaign features model Lily Aldridge, (wife of Kings Of Leon frontman, Caleb Followill) posing in nothing more than a veil, bra, panties and garter.

Look, dresses are too expensive, hold your wedding in the summer, skip the Vera Wang and just wear this during your actual wedding!

The website shamelessly features items for your honeymoon, bachelorette party and wedding day/night.

Plus they use the slightly creepy tag “Sexy Little Bride.” (With a trademark symbol)

Continue reading “Wedding Dress Optional, With Victoria’s Secret ‘Bridal Line’”

Just Another Tara Reid Crotch Shot

I’ve lost count of how many there have been? I’m thinking this is the third, or I dunno, I think she flashed her wacky botched boob job once and her wonky cat vagina another time?

It hardly matters. This time Tara and her financial advisor husband, Zachary Kehayov, were out and about in Mayfield, England.

Mrs. Reid has been spending time in London recently for the taping of Celebrity Big Brother, no emphasis on “celebrity.”

Here are her latest (slightly prickly?) side-underwear ball shots…

Continue reading “Just Another Tara Reid Crotch Shot”

Taylor Swift is Classy, Has Wardrobe Malfunction – Wears Underwear

Taylor Swift had a slight incident this past Saturday with some wind in St. Louis whilst performing her hit “You Belong With Me,” fortunately she was wearing sizable undies or Spanx or something, and handled the situation quite well, laughing it off and continuing to sing.

I quite enjoy belting out “You Belong With Me” and “Love Story” in my living room, great anthems to serenade your pets or imaginary friends with. Keep being classy Swifty.

[PLEASE HOST SNL AGAIN]