Bloodthirsty Marc Anthony Takes Oblivious Young Girlfriend To Disneyland

Marc Anthony new girlfriend 44-year-old Marc Anthony took his new young girlfriend, 21-year-old Topshop heiress Chloe Green, to Disneyland this past week for their first public date.

He looks like a fun guy huh? I mean, especially fun at Disneyland, where Chloe likely had to go on all the rides with J-Lo’s twins and not Marc because of the weight limit.

How much heroin do you have do you have to do daily to stay at around 118 pounds, and when are people going to realize that the Chupacabra is not an elusive creature? Like Lestat in Queen of the Damned, Marc has exposed his supernatural abilities to the public without them even realizing it.  Continue reading “Bloodthirsty Marc Anthony Takes Oblivious Young Girlfriend To Disneyland”

Baby Dracula Has Fully Drained Denise Richards

Denise Richards spends some quality family time with her daughters in Bel Air! Denise Richards took her three children out for some ice cream this weekend. Or two of them ate ice cream while the youngest, Eloise, feasted on what’s left of her mother’s circulatory system.

I’ve seen year-old French Bread that was softer than those withered limbs. Swing that thing the wrong way and it either disintegrates or takes someone’s eye out. It’s hard to tell without feeling it in the aquarium touch pool.

That kid she’s holding is a vampire with the worst kind of luck. The luck of living with a green drink-loving pilates master when all she needs is Honey Boo Boo’s mom.

‘V/H/S’ Manages To Be Scary, Despite Not Making Sense

Like most horror fans, I was quite taken with Ti West’s The House Of The Devil, so I was naturally excited when I heard he was going to be a part of a found footage film called V/H/S, even though I’m not normally a fan of the shaky camera POV.

V/H/S, which debuted at Sundance and has no less than six directors, is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I could watch it three more times and still not know exactly what it was about. Could be devil worshippers, vampires, zombies or ghosts…

The movie focuses on a group of criminals, and at first feels like some sort of Last House On The Left-style snuff effort because of a parking lot scene where they film themselves grabbing a young woman and lifting her shirt up as they hold her boyfriend back.  Continue reading “‘V/H/S’ Manages To Be Scary, Despite Not Making Sense”

Someone Wants To Kill Ellen Page (Blame The Gigantic Blonde Vampire)

No celebrity is safe from death threats, not even the 5’1″ Nova Scotian famous for playing a pregnant teenager in Diablo Cody’s Juno. According to a warrant obtained by TMZEllen Page has received multiple death threats.

The warrant allowed the LAPD to look at several Twitter accounts associated with messages from June. One read, “I’m going to murder Ellen Page. She’s dead.” Another, which indicates that the stalker is a woman, said:

 “Ellen Page if you continue to date Alexander I will K-1-L-L you in public in the next year … Be it in a club, at a game, in a restaurant, or when you’re signing autographs.”

Continue reading “Someone Wants To Kill Ellen Page (Blame The Gigantic Blonde Vampire)”

20th Century Fox Agreed To Distribute ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,’ But Why?

People love references to pop culture, the problem is, most of those references have a cheese-like expiration date and eventually become as forgettable as your best friend’s grandma’s name.

Like all things written on paper, comic books are declining in sales. They are read by thousands and seen by millions.

The Walking Dead and Wanted exceeded expectations, and while Scott Pilgrim vs. the World failed to soar at the box office, it remains a cult favorite of teens and 20-somethings.

Jonah Hex, also based on a comic also did poorly despite the casting of Megan Fox and Josh Brolin. But how do movies like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Jonah Hex even get made?

Continue reading “20th Century Fox Agreed To Distribute ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,’ But Why?”

Bruce Jenner’s Clone Found On ‘True Blood’

I had the good fortune to notice that Bruce Jenner‘s lookalike was in season five, episode two of True Blood (“Authority Always Wins”). Bruce Jenner, if Kris Jenner finally decided to pour gasoline on him and toss him atop her $5,000 stove.

The vampire in question is a former nurse practitioner who was jailed by the fanged mainstreamers led by Roman Zimojic (Christopher Meloni) for eating babies, instead of delivering them.  Continue reading “Bruce Jenner’s Clone Found On ‘True Blood’”

Kristen Stewart Needs A Few More Eye Drops

Why do I keep watching the Twilight movies? Am I driven by some cursed voice in my uterus? I don’t know if this is the sad or good part – but I don’t even see them for the Lautner abs or smoldering Pattinson glares, I actually go for the story!

Posters for Breaking Dawn Part 2 just came out and obviously Bella is about to become a vampire, or Kristen got stoned before the shoot and forgot the Visine. I’m guessing it’s the vampire thing.

As a secret fan you’d think I’d have read all of the final installment but I couldn’t find a proper audio book copy. D’oh! Now I’ve revealed that I listen to the audio books, watch the movies for the “story” and don’t care about the abs.

I’m going to non-hipster hell. What would that be? I suppose it’s full of Bieber fans holding Care Bear blankets. I’ll fit in.

Johnny Depp Is The Alpha Vampire

Johnny Depp has played a pirate, a talking lizard, a demon barber, Ichabod Crane, Ed Wood, Don Juan, Willy Wonka, The Mad Hatter, Edward Scissorhands.

Oh, and he made his debut in Nightmare On Elm Street.

Now he’s taking on a role more versatile than any, a vampire. Everyone in Hollywood from Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise to Gary Oldman, Kiefer Sutherland and Kate Beckinsale have filled those bloodsucking shoes.

The latest is Depp in the eerie 70’s comedy Dark Shadows. At the London premiere he took a shot at one of the most lusted after vamps of recent years, Robert Pattinson.

“There’s room for two vampires on this block – as long as he remembers I am the Alpha Vampire,” he told US Weekly reporters.  Continue reading “Johnny Depp Is The Alpha Vampire”

Movie Trailer: Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows was a TV series that ran from 1966-1971. A vampire soap opera (starring Jonathan Frid) that wasn’t quite as popular as The Munsters and The Addams Family.

Now Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are looking to revitalize the story for current audiences. Depp, who called Frid’s performance  “classic” says:  Continue reading “Movie Trailer: Dark Shadows”

True Blood Finale Summary Quote

In episode 12 of True Blood season four on HBO, a bunch of the usual Sunday ridiculousness took place. Marnie is finally gone and three reoccurring characters died. (I think)

The summary quote for the finale occurs when a crap load of ghosts come out of the woodwork, including Sookie’s gran, Marnie, Antonia (the ancient witch) and later Rene and one of the people who died in the episode. 

“All my life I’ve been afraid.”

-Marnie, the whiny/obvious sorceress

and, runner-up to vampire Pam for,

“I am so over sookie and her precious fairy vagina.”

All the while, Bill and Eric are roasting like Boy Scout marshmallows…

Continue reading “True Blood Finale Summary Quote”

22 Year-Old Woman Bites A Man, Claims Vampirism

After falling asleep in his wheelchair outside an empty Hooters in St. Petersburg Florida, a man (Milton Ellis) was awoken to find a woman he’d met earlier in the day biting him while saying,

“I’m a vampire and I’m going to eat you.”

Ellis, age 69, had met the woman earlier in town at a Shell gas station while she was supposedly waiting for one of her relatives to pick her up.

He asked her if she wanted to wait with him near the vacant restaurant, but he fell asleep, only to wake up to a nightmare based in reality…

Continue reading “22 Year-Old Woman Bites A Man, Claims Vampirism”

Trailer: Underworld Awakening

During my boring Regal Cinemas Fright Night soirée on Saturday, I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to see the new trailer for Underworld: Awakening, the fourth installment in the Underworld vampire/werewolf series starring Kate Beckinsale.

Beckinsale was absent in the third movie, and has made what I assume to be a welcome return to Awakening, due in out in 3D, in the year of the supposed apocalypse – 2012.

Underworld without Kate B is like Resident Evil without Milla J!

Continue reading “Trailer: Underworld Awakening”

Reasons to NOT See ‘Fright Night’

Guess what? I just got back from spectating the new Fright Night remake in 3D, starring Colin Farrell and Anton Yelchin, and guess what else? (This is an easy one) It wasn’t very good!

Here are the most crucial reasons to NOT see Fright Night:

  • The original is better.
  • Some key elements were left out from the original  (like Jerry’s “guardian”/slave who shares him home)
  • Charley’s character doesn’t spend nearly enough time spying and gathering info on his neighbor (a large part of 1985’s Fright Night)
  • It’s only funny like, three times max
  • The 3D is barely used except for a few vampire ashes that do little more than give you vertigo
  • Terrible vampire effects and editing (there’s a scene where Yelchin is in the front seat of a moving car, then magically appears in the back seat, then the front again)
  • Doesn’t deserve an R rating (more like PG-13)
  • Patronizing use of indie music (Foster The People’s “Pumped Up Kicks”+ Hugo’s “99 Problems”)
  • It’s WAY too long, 120 minutes total
  • Unoriginal, no unique market for today’s audience

Continue reading “Reasons to NOT See ‘Fright Night’”