Wanda Sykes and I Miss the Old Beyonce

Wanda Sykes was on Watch What Happens a few Tuesdays ago to air her grievances about the “new” Beyonce. You know, the one who left her man-hating Destiny’s Child sisters in the dust in favor of solo man-worship and a baby suspiciously named after an invasive weed.

My favorite comedian is specifically disturbed by the thought of Jay-Z’s “ashy penis,” but I just miss Kelly and Michelle’s matching halter tops and synchronized hand waving.

Destiny’s Child had a formula and it worked every time… Dirty Beyonce is unpredictable.

Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…

Miley Gaga t in front of work
During her visit to Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Lady Gaga talked about her days as a stripper, coyly said she couldn’t decided which member of One Direction was her favorite, and dropped a bomb of wisdom about everybody’s favorite obsession/thing to hate.

While Gaga said that “everybody is entitled to their own artistic expression” in reference to Miley, she thinks the term “twerk” is ridiculous, and I agree, because we don’t need a new word for booty shaking.

I’d rather plank inside a volcano filled with Tebowing, “Gangnam Style” dance and Monster Claw-doing Little Monsters than acknowledge twerking.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga’s Message to Miley…”

Cher and Tom Cruise Used To Bang Harder Than Illegal Fireworks

Cher Tom cruise dated To wash out the bad taste after Heather Locklear’s snooty Tom Cruise story on Chelsea Lately about his supposedly horrible dance moves, I’ve got a complimentary one for you from Cher.

During a game called “Gypsies, Tramps and Tea” on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Cher said her two-month relationship with a pre-scientology Cruise was “pretty hot and heavy.”

“I’ve had just the greatest lovers ever! … He was in the top five,” she explained.

Cher also told Oprah in 2008 that she was “crazy” about Tom during their steamy mid-’80s fling. Basically she wishes she  could turn back time and be the Elvira to his Dracula for all 365 days of the year.

What would sex between them even look like? He was 23 and she was 39, so I’m assuming she threw him on the ceiling and shot borrowed Village People arrows at his dimples before nap and juice box time.

Anderson Cooper is Not the Pussy Willow Prince

Anderson Cooper What What Happens Live Anderson Cooper has a message for the unforgiving citizens of Buffalo, New York: he’s simply too busy to attend the annual Dyngus Day parade.

Cooper was offered the title of “Pussy Willow Prince,” due to the celebration’s use of the swamp-loving plants of the same embarrassing name, but had to decline due to scheduling conflicts.

“I wanted to go, I would have been happy to go. I never promised I could go. I said I would pencil it in, and if my schedule allowed it I would go. I’m working that day. I’ve got three jobs, I can’t go to a parade,” Cooper told Watch What Happens Live host Andy Cohen.

When fellow guest/Bridesmaids star Wendi Mclendon asked what the hell Dyngus Day was, Cooper gave the following hilarious description:  Continue reading “Anderson Cooper is Not the Pussy Willow Prince”

Jenny McCarthy on Cousin Melissa McCarthy: ‘Now America Gets to See How Funny She is’

Jenny McCarthy Watch what happens liveIt’s public knowledge that Bridesmaids‘ funny lady Melissa McCarthy and Jenny McCarthy are first cousins. But how close are they? Jenny spoke to Bravo’s Andy Cohen about her relationship with Melissa, who stars in Identity Thief with Jason Bateman (in theaters now) and the upcoming cop comedy The Heat alongside Sandra Bullock.

I’m so proud of Melissa McCarthy. She actually called me when I first started my MTV show, not Singled Out, but my sketch show, and said ‘I’m in New York, I wanna come to L.A., I wanna get a job in acting, I’ve been doing off-Broadway.’ And I said, ‘Well, to get your feet wet you have to start low, so why don’t you come out and be a PA on my sketch show.’  Continue reading “Jenny McCarthy on Cousin Melissa McCarthy: ‘Now America Gets to See How Funny She is’”

Farting, Peeing and Menopause, With Your Host: Whoopi Goldberg!

Whoopi Watch what happens liveWhoopi Goldberg makes aging look so fun. You basically get to sit around all day in a hammock smoking pot. Peeing yourself as soon as your foot touches the ground is also a part of it.

Goldberg admitted this week on Watch What Happens Live that her bladder isn’t quite what it used to be. When Andy Cohen asked her if she could do one jumping jack in ten seconds (referencing 1986’s Jumpin’ Jack Flash) she said: “No. You know why? Because every time I land I pee.” She also alluded to the fact that her intestines had somehow improved. “I don’t fart as much as I used to but I find that a sneeze is dangerous. A cough can be dangerous.”  Continue reading “Farting, Peeing and Menopause, With Your Host: Whoopi Goldberg!”

Luke Perry Would Hypothetically Marry Donna, Shag Kelly and Kill Brenda

Beverly Hills 90210 memeIf you were ever wondering which Beverly Hills 90210 cast members Luke Perry would put a ring on, bone and murder, the answers are here.

Perry visited Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday when a caller presented him with the question and options.

“I’d marry Tori because I told her dad I’d look out for her,” Perry chivalrously replied. “That’s the best way for me to do that. I’d kill Shannen, because she’d want me to. And that’s the only reason.”

Then he grinned and asked “What was the other one?” fully knowing that he wanted to make Jennie Garth forget about Peter Facinelli by hypnotizing her with his forehead and penis wrinkles.

I assume talented, real-life and onscreen witch Shannen would “want” Luke to kill her because the hatred is mutual, and marriage or sex with him would melt her skin like a bucket filled with black licorice, Chris Brown and a Cabin in the Woods DVD would melt mine.