Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back”

Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!

kanye smilingI want you all to know that this article is the result of me involuntarily waking up at 8:00 a.m. and laying in bed with a heating pad on my bleeding uterus while watching nothing but E! News. Feel my pain.

Two hours of Kim Kardashian wedding coverage and five Reese’s Peanut Cups later, I learned as much of interest as I would have if the TV had been turned off…

Some poor E! correspondent had it so much worse, as she stood outside listening to dozens of Justin Bieber fans singing “Baby” in front of a hotel in foreign accents all because they thought he might be attending the wedding and wouldn’t stop even when she stuffed Cannolis in her ears and assured them he wasn’t there.  Continue reading “Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!”

Rob Kardashian Not Invited to Kim’s Wedding?

Rob Kardashian airport missed weddingThe least important Kardashian was not present at his sister’s elegant Italian wedding due to reported “major family drama” just a few hours prior.

If I had to guess, I’d say Rob couldn’t afford to buy the two seats on the plane for himself, or that he just barely missed the doctor-approved second trimester of pregnancy… but fat shaming isn’t cool even when it’s a man, right guys?

We always remember that people of privilege have infinite access to personal trainers, but forget that they also have unlimited access to Pringles.

Also not able to make the wedding, Jay-Z, Beyoncé and fellow lesser-valued stock member of the Kardashian/Jenner Klan and Matthew Fox lookalike Brody Jenner.  Continue reading “Rob Kardashian Not Invited to Kim’s Wedding?”

Shenae Grimes Walked the Aisle in a Black Wedding Dress

Shenae Grimes wedding dressYou may know Shenae Grimes as Annie Wilson on that blasphemous remake of Beverly Hills 90210, but before The CW spoiled her with L.A. sunbeams and endless Frappés, she played virginal spirit squad member Darcy Edwards on Degrassi.

(Me and an army of Canadian Mounties refuse to accredit 90210 for anything.)

Anyway, Darcy/Shenae/not-Annie laughed in the face of tradition when she wore a black Vera Wang dress at her May 10 hipster wedding (Keira Knightley, eat your heart out) to British model and musician Josh Beech at a HAUNTED hall in Ashford, England.

That girl would never have paid homage to the harlot witches of Salem if she hadn’t been corrupted by American television. I’m a second away from picking up my rotary phone and telling my nosy neighbors what happens when you play the Josh Beech record backwards.  Continue reading “Shenae Grimes Walked the Aisle in a Black Wedding Dress”

Mama June and Sugar Bear’s Holy Redneck Matrimony

Mama June weddingYou’ve probably seen that “Honey Boo Boo’s mom has a boyfriend and you’re still single” meme. Well, it needs to be revised to something about her being married, because she is, now.

On Sunday, June and Mike Thompson walked the aisle in faux hunting gear with their reality star daughter trailing close behind, looking for any crumbs or Almond Joys or sketti burgers that may have fallen out of her mother’s knees.

Hearing that Mama, Sugar Bear and Honey Boo Boo have real names has to be a little more shocking than even that orange reflective vest.

Hard to imagine where the guests could possibly find the “redneck attire” they were encouraged to wear.

People.com isn’t even sure if it was a wedding or just a recommitment ceremony. Either way, the “taped event” message on the invitations was a clear reminder from TLC to tune in July 17.

Keira Knightley WEDDING DETAILS: Tents, Chanel, And An Old Renault

Keira Knightley wedding dressKeira Knightley got married today to her keyboardist husband James Righton (as in, “Right on James, you married the British version of Natalie Portman”) in the South of France. This is a big deal to me because I have tricked myself into thinking I discovered Keira when she was in Bend It Like Beckham. All I remember saying in 2002 besides “Kill me, I’m still in high school” had to do with that movie.

Blah blah blah soccer movie. David Beckham. India. Girl with short hair. Guru Nanak.

In 2003 I switched to “Did you see that girl from Bend It Like Beckham in Pirates of the Caribbean yet???”

Blah blah blah Johnny Depp. Rum. Elizabeth Swann. CLICK for gifs and stuff about her dress…

Your Easter Prayers Have Not Been Answered: Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Still Together

Chris Brown Rihanna instagram togetherMy day was made and unmade in a matter of hours. Upon waking, I heard a wonderful rumor from the radio station Power 106, who reportedly Tweeted that Chris Brown and Rihanna had broken up.

I was already making plans to paint his face on a dozen eggs, which I would then set on the sidewalk and crush with my feet and possibly a sledgehammer. By breakfast, I unrealized this dream when I read that Chris had favorited a Tweet from a woman who said the comments he made to Big Boy on air were as old as the dirt on Jesus’s abs.

“@chrisbrown and @rihanna are still together… that video was from like forever long ago.. their still getting married. sadly,” Lissette Ortiz wrote.  Continue reading “Your Easter Prayers Have Not Been Answered: Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Still Together”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-1-13]

Hugh Hefner Crystal Harris wedding photosCrystal Harris killed one of Hef’s white peacocks to make her wedding dress. (Too Fab)

Happy New Year’s from the shared bed of Rihanna and Chris Brown. (ONTD!)

Snooki wants to lose more weight, make money and be a better person. (Celebuzz)

A list of everything that needs to happen for celebrities in 2013. (Evil Beet)

Hillary Clinton expected to make full recovery from blood clot. (Los Angeles Times)

Liam Gallagher talks Mumford & Sons, acoustic guitars, lentil soup and “nits.” (NME)

The latest movie ending Samuel L. Jackson rightfully dislikes is Lincoln. (Huffington Post)

 

Deja Hugh – Hefner To Marry Crystal Harris

Crystal Harris Hugh Hefner creepyHugh Hefner is having an especially dick-raising, money draining week. Not only is he hurting his back watching the help put up Christmas decorations around the mansion, he’s engaged to Crystal Harris for the second time!

Refresher – their first wedding was meant to occur in June of 2011 but Harris retreated in fear when Hef tweeted her a sexy photo what she thought was his wrinkled taint (it was really just of him winking).

Okay, so that’s not exactly what happened. No one knows Harris’ exact reason for bailing the first time. Could be the taint wink, could be that the prenup and will weren’t impressive enough.  Continue reading “Deja Hugh – Hefner To Marry Crystal Harris”

Get Your Handkerchiefs (and Guns), Jessica Biel Will Officially Become ‘Jessica Timberlake’

Remember when Adam Sandler and Kevin James wore matching “Mrs. Pitt” and “Mrs. Timberlake” shirts in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry?

Even with the popularity of those tees behind us, the reality of the situation is…

There really is a Mrs. Justin Timberlake, and it’s not you, or Cameron Diaz, or Britney Spears!

“Yes, I’m changing my name,” Jessica Biel told People. “My professional name will still be the same, but for life, yes, I think it sounds great. I think I really won the jackpot of names.”

Girl, you won the jackpot of dudes. The Timberlake Appreciation Society (founded by our friends over at Grouchy Muffin), will have lots to say about this.

But at least we won’t have to deal with seeing “Jessica Timberlake” scroll across the screen at her next below-average movie (Stealth?? WTF).

Continue reading “Get Your Handkerchiefs (and Guns), Jessica Biel Will Officially Become ‘Jessica Timberlake’”

As You Can See, Jessica Biel And Justin Timberlake Are Ecstatic About Marriage

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were spotted at an Italian airport following their diarrhea goat cheese wedding in Fasano, and it looks like the magic is already gone.

They either saw a ghost, still aren’t used to being photographed or have turned into official married drones. It’s evident in their blank Children of the Corn stares.

Still, we can also never rule out the possibility that they were converted by Scientologists at the arrival gate OR that they were getting into character for a nightly viewing of The Walking Dead. 

Folks take zombie Sunday pretty seriously.

“It’s great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends,” J and J said in a statement released Friday.  Continue reading “As You Can See, Jessica Biel And Justin Timberlake Are Ecstatic About Marriage”

Amber Tamblyn And David Cross’ Wedding Photos Will Make You Believe In Love Again

There have been so many tragic divorces in 2011 and 2012, ones that made me even more skeptical of marriage. Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard, Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, and most recently, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.

Amber Tamblyn (who wore a yellow dress and arrived to the ceremony on a canoe) and David Cross’ barefoot wedding in the woods might restore at least a fraction of your faith.

DJ Questlove of The Roots tweeted out a collection of lovely candid photos of the cake, playlist and celebrity guests which included Alexis Bledel, Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, America Ferrera, Amy Poehler, and Jason Ritter. Yo La Tengo performed.

Check out the photos and plan your wedding accordingly…  Continue reading “Amber Tamblyn And David Cross’ Wedding Photos Will Make You Believe In Love Again”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-30-12]

Anne Hathaway is a married woman. (Celebuzz)

Street Fighter spoof  “Real fighter II” is hilarious and true. (G4)

Jessica Simpson‘s doctors rejected her requests of lap band surgery, twice. (Radar)

Stop having babies! There may be a diaper shortage. (World News)

Dracula and Leatherface scared the crap out of Selena Gomez. (Too Fab)

New bottomless Kate Middleton photos surface. (E! Online)

California is first state to ban humiliating gay therapy techniques. (Jezebel)

Listen to Lana Del Rey‘s “Burning Desire” and watch her Jaguar ad. (Stereogum)

LeAnn Rimes is done with rehab stuff, for now. (Evil Beet)

Blake Lively And Ryan Reynolds Are Married

You can add Blake Lively to the list of naked women on the internet who have called or do call themselves Ryan Reynolds’ wife. They got married on an old haunted plantation in South Carolina Sunday night.

Scenes from The Notebook were filmed at the location, 320-year-old Boone Hall Plantation And Gardens. Celebuzz has photos of the local hotspot.

Reynolds’ wedding to Lively has thrown everybody off, possibly more so than the engagement to Alanis Morissette in 2004 and marriage to Scarlett Johansson in 2008 (divorced in 2010). And why would high-profile celebrities want to walk down the aisle in South Carolina? Simple – there’s no one there. No one but slave ghosts. Continue reading “Blake Lively And Ryan Reynolds Are Married”

Alec Baldwin Married A Yoga Instructor

On Saturday Alec Baldwin Married his Spanish girlfriend of a year, 26-year-old yoga and dance instructor Hilaria Thomas at St. Patrick’s Old Cathedral in New York with Woody Allen, Tina Fey, and crazy Stephen and Billy Baldwin in the crowd.

It’s good that he’s with someone who I assume is centered and peaceful but apparently she can’t downward face-dog him out of  attacking photographers and calling them ‘little girls.’

He punched the one paparazzi right after obtaining his marriage license in Manhattan while he was with her.  Continue reading “Alec Baldwin Married A Yoga Instructor”

‘Savages’ Actor Aaron Johnson Weds 45-Year-Old Sam Taylor-Wood

There’s a new Ashton and Demi in town, only this couple makes the 15 years that was between them look like minimal.

Kickass and Savages star Aaron Johnson, 22, has just tied the knot to his girlfriend of three years, director Sam Taylor-Wood.

Married in Somerset on Thursday, they have two daughters together, Wylda Rae and Romy Hero.

Johnson is also inheriting two stepchildren from Wood’s previous marriage.

The 23 year age difference hasn’t seemed to hinder them at all, as they look happy as two out-of-sea clams.

They even went Dutch and changed their names to Taylor-Johnson.

In other non-traditional wedding news, character actor Giovanni Ribisi tied the knot with British model Agyness Deyn last weekend.

Take It Slow Kim And Miley, I Don’t Want To Write About Another Divorce

Not long ago Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who are apparently a real couple, were in the news for selling their collective homes so they can move in together.

Both put their houses in Los Angeles up on the market for several million dollars and are looking, according to TMZ, for “a really private place to live … behind gates.”  Continue reading “Take It Slow Kim And Miley, I Don’t Want To Write About Another Divorce”