Royal Palace Sh*tting Crumpets Over Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump

kate middleton bikini baby bumpThe palace is going crazy over honeymoon photos of Kate Middleton published in Italy’s Chi (proudly fucking with the royals since 1997).

She is neither topless nor bottomless. Just in a bikini, pregnant with a pinto bean.

All of Britain’s tabloids passed on printing the very unshocking images of Kate and William vacationing in the West Indies out of “respect” (or fear that their heads would be severed quicker than you can say “She ain’t no human being”).

A St James’ Palace spokesperson issued a statement that the family is “disappointed” over the breach of privacy. As usual, their reaction is more sensationalized than any headline, photo, or story. God save the Duchess.

Palace Says William Popped Kate’s Middle (‘The Duchess of Cambridge is Expecting a Baby’)

Kate Middleton pregnant hockeyAfter 50 million tabloids whispered about every biscuit and sip of tea that found itself in Kate Middleton‘s belly, the palace has confirmed that there actually is a royal half-blood Prince baby on the way!

The Associated Press released an official statement from Buckingham saying, “Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby.”

Also in the statement, a massive list of relatives who are happy for the couple, and something about Kate being like all pregnant women (needing rest and a hospital visit).

Middleton does have hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and I advise Will and Queen Elizathug to put her in that spinning ballroom from The Haunting surrounded by 20 diamond toilet bowls.

Natalia KILLS IT, Whispers To Recession… Tweets Like Crazy

Wanna be like Midas
But my bank account is minus

Gotta stretch that dollar bill
Stretch that dollar
Need a genie in a bottle
Change a quarter to a hundred
Gotta stretch that dollar bill
Stretch that dollar bill

I’m free
I just spent all my money
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Free
Burned a hole in my pocket
But I rocked that like it don’t cost a thing

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