HBO ‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Season 5, Episode 1

Young-Cersei-Lannister

‘Game of Thrones‘ is officially underway, and as usual, showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss managed to make a lot happen in the latest 50 minute-long episode of the hit HBO series.

***Warning: spoilers ahead***

The season five premiere, titled “The Wars to Come,” opens with a glimpse of a young Cersei Lannister fearlessly convincing a friend to approach a witch’s hut with her. While Cersei doesn’t suffer the fate of fellow classic fantasy-characters Hansel and Gretel, it wouldn’t be a George R. R. Martin production without a little bloodshed and heartache.

“You’ll never wed the prince, you’ll wed the king,” the messy-haired sorceress tells Cersei after commanding her to prick her finger. “You’ll be queen, for a time,” she ominously continues. “In comes another, younger, more beautiful, to cast you down and take all you hold dear. The king will have twenty children, and you will have three. Gold will be their crowns, gold their shrouds.”

In one short scene, Cersei learns much of what we know about her adult life. From Margaery Tyrell‘s marriage to Tommen, to Robert Baratheon‘s bastard sons and her incestual relationship with Jaime Lannister.  Continue reading “HBO ‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Season 5, Episode 1”

Shenae Grimes Walked the Aisle in a Black Wedding Dress

Shenae Grimes wedding dressYou may know Shenae Grimes as Annie Wilson on that blasphemous remake of Beverly Hills 90210, but before The CW spoiled her with L.A. sunbeams and endless Frappés, she played virginal spirit squad member Darcy Edwards on Degrassi.

(Me and an army of Canadian Mounties refuse to accredit 90210 for anything.)

Anyway, Darcy/Shenae/not-Annie laughed in the face of tradition when she wore a black Vera Wang dress at her May 10 hipster wedding (Keira Knightley, eat your heart out) to British model and musician Josh Beech at a HAUNTED hall in Ashford, England.

That girl would never have paid homage to the harlot witches of Salem if she hadn’t been corrupted by American television. I’m a second away from picking up my rotary phone and telling my nosy neighbors what happens when you play the Josh Beech record backwards.  Continue reading “Shenae Grimes Walked the Aisle in a Black Wedding Dress”

Kathy Bates Signed Onto Salem Witch Trial-Themed Season of ‘American Horror Story’

Kathy Bates Jessica LangeKathy Bates has been added to the cast of FX’s upcoming season of American Horror Story which will relate to the Salem witch trials, according to Dylan McDermott.

“She really is [perfect]. All the witches of Salem…there’s plenty of them,” season one veteran McDermott told E!

Piecing this together with what creator Ryan Murphy told Collider in January, we can assume season three DOES NOT actually take place between 1692 and 1693, when the trials occurred. Murphy called it a “modern-day story” that would require “research of the different time periods” with a “female power” theme. He also said that it will take place in several cities (Danvers, Ipswich and Andover, Massachusetts?).

Continue reading “Kathy Bates Signed Onto Salem Witch Trial-Themed Season of ‘American Horror Story’”

Video: Nicki Minaj – “Va Va Voom”

Alright, first of all, I don’t have very good vision, so when Nicki popped up out of those stampeding unicorns, I thought she was re-living Good Morning America by exposing her entire left boob.

Once I got past that, mostly by realizing that YouTube never asked me to sign in, I came to the conclusion that this is a much cheaper version of Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake.”  Continue reading “Video: Nicki Minaj – “Va Va Voom””

Every Halloween Costume Kim Kardashian Ever Wore [PHOTOS]

Wonder Woman (2008), a flapper, and her most famous costume, Aladdin’s Jasmine (both in 2009)

Kim Kardashian recently tweeted a photo of her in a leopard costume with a mesh front and wrote, “Rawwwr!!! Halloween Costume shopping.” She actually wore that exact same thing in 2010 so who knows if she dug it out of her closet or simply forgot.

Sometimes I wonder if having an ass that big is a kind of disability, not only for balance but because it’s possible that the blood flow is concentrated in that area like a boner. If she uses more than two brain cells the glorious thing might deflate.  Continue reading “Every Halloween Costume Kim Kardashian Ever Wore [PHOTOS]”

Trailer: Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters

In the vein of terribly bad (but sometimes good) movies like Van Helsing, Season Of The Witch, Red Riding Hood, and The Brothers Grimm comes Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters. 

This foray into the unbelievably embarrassing stars Jeremy Renner and Prince Of Persia‘s Gemma Arterton as famous brother and sister duo Hansel and Gretel after their escape from the witch we all know and fear from the 200-year-old German fairy tale.  Continue reading “Trailer: Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters”

Trailer: Oz The Great And Powerful

Take James Franco’s hard-to-miss face, Mila Kunis’ unmistakable voice, Sam Raimi’s notoriety and a $200 million dollar budget and you’ve got Disney’s Oz: The Great And Powerful.

Here we see Franco playing Oz, the con artist who, much like Dorothy, is whisked out of his good ol’ boy American hometown into a mysterious land full of magic, emeralds and witches.  Continue reading “Trailer: Oz The Great And Powerful”

Man Stabbed Over 300 Times By Slutty Satanic Witches

Rebecca Chandler (left) and Raven Larrabee (right) mugshots

Two Milwaukee women, Rebecca Chandler and Raven Larrabee, were arrested after cutting a man they met on the internet over 300 times in what the press is calling a “satanic sex ritual.”

The man, 18, travelled all the way from Phoenix on a bus to meet Rebecca, likely for a sexual encounter. He survived the stabbings, which reportedly took place over a period of two days.

The women, both in their early 20s, are in a Wisconsin jail with bail set to $150,000 (Chandler) and $100,000. (Larrabee) Rebecca Chandler referred to Larrabee as “Scarlett,” claiming that she did not know her real name and that they’d only been living together since July.

Continue reading “Man Stabbed Over 300 Times By Slutty Satanic Witches”

‘The Ringer’ Vs. ‘The Secret Circle’ On The CW

The CW is pumping new content into the air at a more rapid rate than redneck teeth fall into whiskey bottles.

Not only did the first episode of all-star ANTM premiere, but their two thematic efforts, The Secret Circle (witches) and The Ringer (twins) aired.

Let’s be clear, BOTH shows are travesties and great examples of bad sets, casting and dialogue BUT if you have to watch one, The Secret Circle is much much more entertaining…

Continue reading “‘The Ringer’ Vs. ‘The Secret Circle’ On The CW”

The CW’s ‘Secret Circle’ Witch Show Promo

First of all, I know The Vampire Diaries is a super popular show on The CW, not to mention Supernatural, so it was only inevitable that the notoriously childlike network that so desperately wants to be taken seriously would further capitalize on that.

Now two new shows are constantly being promoted on The CW, that confusing new Sarah Michelle Gellar show, The Ringer and The Secret Circle, which is apparently about teenage witches.

Just a few things I might point out about this promo, the way they used The Kills’ “DNA,” an actual legitimately amazing songs AND the best thing of all, the quote towards the end,

“You’re a witch, we all are.”

Continue reading “The CW’s ‘Secret Circle’ Witch Show Promo”

30 Witches In Pop Culture

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Like many children, I was terrified of witches from the time I can remember up until, like 8th grade.

It was the trifecta of children’s horror movies that really got me, Snow White, The Wizard Of Oz and it’s cult classic sequel, Return To Oz from 1985.

Sleeping Beauty, The Witches and the original The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe on BBC in 1988 (my mom used to rent it from the library for us) didn’t help much either.

Continue reading “30 Witches In Pop Culture”