Fred Armisen is Someone Basically All Women Should Avoid

Take what anonymous commenters on the internet have to say with a grain of salt, but there are just too many similar stories about Portlandia pioneer and Late Night bandleader Fred Armisen not being the fun, nice nerd-guy you imagine for it to be a coincidence.

Before and after Armisen’s ex-wife Elisabeth Moss publicly called being married to him “traumatic” and “horrible,” many non-famous women have taken to the internet to share their experiences. Apparently, Fred likes to keep girls on the side. Girls that he is very attentive and sweet with until he gets what he wants, and while his marriage to Moss might not have broken up because he was “sleeping with prostitutes,” as one commenter suggested, one woman did say this:

Fred got me pregnant, I had a miscarriage and he abandoned me.

And that’s not a stand-alone statement just coming out of nowhere. There are handfuls of people using the words “sociopath,” “cheater” and “asshole” to describe him.

He’s also very funny, so if you have a vagina, turn on your TV and laugh at him from afar. Or just work with him be gay. That seems to work for Carrie Brownstein.

I Don’t Live in Fear of Men, I Live in Fear of People: My Thoughts on Elliot Rodger and #YesAllWomen

Elliot Rodger yes all women“YesAllWomen” is trending at the moment because of Elliot Rodger – who fatally stabbed his three roommates and shot three more in the streets of Isla Vista – and I wanted to take a moment to say what I find unsettling about it without sounding completely anti-feminist.

Rodger blamed women for everything, and justified his crimes because of the way they treated him. Already rich and shallow (he was openly obsessed with his Gucci sunglasses and expensive car), he felt entitled to more. He wanted admiration and attention in the form of sex.

In a world where so many women with low self-worth throw their bodies at men in a misguided attempt to feel better about themselves, we forget that men sleep around for the same fundamental reason women do.  Continue reading “I Don’t Live in Fear of Men, I Live in Fear of People: My Thoughts on Elliot Rodger and #YesAllWomen”

Kirsten Dunst Said an Unwise Thing About Women

Kirsten Dunst harpers cover 2014I don’t mind when other women say things like “My job is being a mother.” Not only is being a mother one of the hardest and most important “jobs” of all, I think if that’s what fulfills you and makes you happy then who am I to shake my head and hope there’s something more to life than stretching out my vagina until it’s the size of a hula hoop?

These days, we see more and more that any gender or sexuality can take on the idyllic role of “mother” and “father,” which is why Kirsten Dunst’s old timey comments about a woman’s place seemed odd.

She recently told Harper’z Bazaar UK:

I feel like the feminine has been a little undervalued. We all have to get our own jobs and make our own money, but staying at home, nurturing, being the mother, cooking — it’s a valuable thing my mom created. And sometimes, you need your knight in shining armor. I’m sorry. You need a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That’s why relationships work …

Continue reading “Kirsten Dunst Said an Unwise Thing About Women”

Snowboarder Puts # On Helmet, Phone Crashed By Desperate Women

russian snowboarder phone numberA young Russian snowboarder received thousands of messages from women who took notice of the fact that he wore a helmet with his actual phone number written on the side and stood on a rebellious Pussy Riot board during last week’s Olympic finals.

Too many sexy texts and topless photos for his phone’s media storage to handle…

“I’ve got a collection of pictures,” the 22-year-old told USA Today. “It’s really boring in the Olympic Village, you know?”

There are three types of women who would do such a thing: ones who want to be famous, ones who want to talk to a famous person, and ones who are just super horny and bored. Most fall a little into all three categories. These women are a step above those who become penpals with men serving life sentences for murder and a big step below frequent OkCupid users.  Continue reading “Snowboarder Puts # On Helmet, Phone Crashed By Desperate Women”

Israeli Army Women Scolded For Posting Racy Photos to Facebook

naked israel women Facebook
Four or five female members of the Israeli Defense Forces are being called “the undressing soldiers” by the local media after being reprimanded for exposing their bras and g-strings in a series of photos on Facebook.

An IDF spokesperson said they were disappointed in the women, who are said to be recent recruits stationed in the Southern part of the country, and that they were disciplined for their “unbecoming” behavior as their commanding officers saw fit.  Continue reading “Israeli Army Women Scolded For Posting Racy Photos to Facebook”

Women in Dubai are Bumping and Poofing Under Their Scarves

Camel Hump hairI pity your funny bone if you never saw the God-awful infomercial for Bumpits, catered to women who want to look like Nancy Grace, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, or any lady from a 90’s soap opera.

In it, we hear a woman screaming bloody murder as a voiceover asks if you’re tired of “flat, boring hairstyles.” It’s almost better than Shake Weight and Ahh Bra. Mostly because leaving the “p” out  of “bump” and “its” literally spells “BUM-PITS.”

Like your bum is a pit, or your pit is a bum. Get away from me. You smell.

Now that we’ve covered all that (and because I live to bring you the latest trends from around the world), let me tell you about how Dubai women are taking big hair to new levels.

(If you haven’t figured out by now that they’re using makeshift Bumpits, we can’t be friends.) Continue reading “Women in Dubai are Bumping and Poofing Under Their Scarves”

World Says ‘Meh’ After Finding Out Brittney Griner is Gay and Already ‘Out’ to Everyone She Knows

Brittney Griner bowtieAt 6’8,” Baylor Bear Brittney Griner is beyond tall enough to dunk. She was just drafted #1 in the WNBA and is one of the few female basketball players who should really be allowed to play against men.

As of April 17, she is also openly gay, and no one seems to care. But is that progress, or bias?

“I really couldn’t give an answer on why that’s so different,” Griner responded after being asked why people seem more accepting of gay women in the WNBA. “Being one that’s out, it’s just being who you are.”

“Again, like I said, just be who you are,” she continued. “Don’t worry about what other people are going to say, because they’re always going to say something, but, if you’re just true to yourself, let that shine through. Don’t hide who you really are.”  Continue reading “World Says ‘Meh’ After Finding Out Brittney Griner is Gay and Already ‘Out’ to Everyone She Knows”

Tumblr Has A Binder Full Of Jokes About Mitt Romney

A Tumblr, Facebook and Twitter account have already been dedicated to Mitt Romney’s comments during Tuesday night’s debates. Speaking about his difficulties finding qualified female candidates to work for him in Massachusetts, he said:

“I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women.”

Continue reading “Tumblr Has A Binder Full Of Jokes About Mitt Romney”

If You Can’t Figure Out If He’s ‘Into You’ From These Texts, You’re Beyond Help

HeTexted.com is a website for women that is supposed to help them decipher confusing texts from men.

Visitors can comment on the texts and also vote that he’s “not into you” “into you” or “the verdict is still out.”

The page confirms my already-confirmed fears about both genders: men are extremely aloof and women are extremely blind to their aloofness.

One girl’s text reads “It was cool hanging out,” so he says “Yea if you’re out tonight, bring Ali?” The woman has indicated that her friend and his friend were both there, but now he’s asking specifically to bring this Ali girl…  Continue reading “If You Can’t Figure Out If He’s ‘Into You’ From These Texts, You’re Beyond Help”

Kate Middleton Knows She Has A Lot In Common With Topless Locals In The South Pacific

Kate Middleton can’t help but smile and cover her face after being greeted by locals on the Solomon Islands wearing grass skirts and little else.

This soon-to-be-forgotten moment in history comes an ironically short amount of days after the Duchess of Cambridge’s not-to-be-forgotten nude sunbathing photos surfaced.

Here we see Prince William and wife Kate on their Diamond Jubilee tour (past locations include Kuala Lumpur and Malaysia) accepting necklaces from topless women of the South Pacific.

I wonder if she’s jealous of these women and their ability to wander around half-naked and not care/end up in Closer and Chi magazine?

It’s hard to not admire the royal couple’s approach to dealing with an international scandal. They have literally canoed away from their problems.  Continue reading “Kate Middleton Knows She Has A Lot In Common With Topless Locals In The South Pacific”

Women Don’t Surpass Adam Carolla’s Overwhelming Comedy Standards

Adam Carolla came under fire for an interview with the New York Post where he said that women writers and women in general are, as a rule, less funny than men.

“They make you hire a certain number of chicks, and they’re always the least funny on the writing staff. The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.”

If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I’m just gonna tell her, ‘Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

He said he wasn’t worried about reactions to his comments, that:  Continue reading “Women Don’t Surpass Adam Carolla’s Overwhelming Comedy Standards”

Lost Co-Star Calls Matthew Fox A Frequent Woman Beater

Dominic Monaghan, who played an angry woman-beating Eminem in the video for “Love The Way You Lie,” is harboring distain for Matthew Fox, whom he spent six years with in Hawaii for ABC’s Lost.

Last Sunday (May 27) a Matthew Fox fan told Monaghan to tell Fox to get a Twitter account, 

“Holla at matthew fox and tell him to get a twitter i beg of you.”

Dom wrote back, “He beats women. No Thanks.” This in reference to Matthew’s alleged attack of a female bus driver last summer (no criminal charges were filed).

People who sent messages in defense of Fox were met with words like, “an accusation is when you ‘claim’ someone did something wrong.i know.but hey little fan girl maybe want to get slapped.”

Continue reading “Lost Co-Star Calls Matthew Fox A Frequent Woman Beater”

Pregnant White Women Can’t Give Up Cigarettes

Just because I compare babies to earwigs and think being pregnant is a horrible curse, doesn’t mean I believe in filling the lungs of an unborn child with smoke.

According to a national survey by the Mental Health Services Administration, 1 in 5 caucasian women who are with-child will smoke cigarettes – which is far more than black or hispanic women.

The study looked to correlate the use of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes between different races during their pregnancies.

Don’t kill the messenger delivering the potentially inaccurate information, but it also states that pregnant black women were more likely than other races to use illicit drugs.  Continue reading “Pregnant White Women Can’t Give Up Cigarettes”

‘Pro Baby Maker,’ Best Or Worst Job Ever?

Virgin until age 34, Ed Houben, is killing two birds with one stone. Being a humanitarian and bedding women left and right. He offers his services free of charge to people who need what he has – sperm.

His unorthodox approach of actually having sex with the ladies he “helps” is controversial, but not illegal.

“I do it because I know how hard it is for people who desperately want a child,” he told the Telegraph in 2008. “Also going through fertility clinics can be very time-consuming and costly for them.”

Houben works through SpermaSpender.de, a site that encourages donors and couples in need to connect on their own terms.  Continue reading “‘Pro Baby Maker,’ Best Or Worst Job Ever?”

Chanel Exec Karl Lagerfeld Insults Russian Men, Adele, Lana Del Rey & The First Lady

78 year-old Karl Lagerfeld, creative director and head designer for Chanel went on a tirade (with Metro news) that managed to backhandedly insult and compliment Lana Del Rey, pregnant chicks, Adele, all Russian men, the entire Greek and Italian nations plus Michelle Obama’s black ass.

The interview ends with the line, “Be politically correct, but don’t become a bore for that. People should be sensitive in these matters, but not make so much noise. Be politically correct, but do we have to know your opinion?” 

Lana Del Rey’s boobs: “In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”

Adele’s weight: “The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.” Continue reading “Chanel Exec Karl Lagerfeld Insults Russian Men, Adele, Lana Del Rey & The First Lady”

Dennis Rodman Holds Tryouts For Topless Women’s Basketball Team

If you are a woman with minor hoop skills whose face and body does not resemble a penny that has been put on a train track, then I suggest you go to New York and try out for Dennis Rodman’s topless basketball team!

I always felt that this was what all women’s teams needed to do to increase ticket sales, but never had the guts to say it. Who needs knocker slings anyway right?

Actually, I lied, you can’t try out because the two teams consist of tall exotic dancers only, who are already employed at Rick’s Cabaret (DR has been a customer for over 30 years) and Headquarters Gentleman’s Club. But hey, at least it’s for charity.

Kelly Dwyer of Yahoo Sports seemed quite put off by the whole thing, especially because of Rodman’s statement: “I don’t know too many men that don’t like a good-looking woman running up and down around the court.” 

Continue reading “Dennis Rodman Holds Tryouts For Topless Women’s Basketball Team”

Dear Derek Jeter, No Autographed Baseball Bats For Your Escorts? Pig

An undisclosed source revealed that baseball MVP Derek Jeter likes to leave a little parting gift with his women of the night. As in, he sleeps with them (not literal hookers, btw) then in the morning he has a car waiting outside to take them wherever their heart desires, as long as it’s away from him.

The best part is, that there in the car is lies a little gift basket. The “friend” revealed that it almost always contains Yankees memorabilia, usually a signed Jeter ball. It’s like when you go to an award show, or a premiere. You get the show and some trinkets. He’s just magnificent. Not only does he give you several hours of pro athlete sexy times, but something to remember him by.

Continue reading “Dear Derek Jeter, No Autographed Baseball Bats For Your Escorts? Pig”