Jenny McCarthy Had Sex With A Tree, Blames Ecstasy

Thank you, Huffington Post and everyone else. “Actress Tried To Have Sex With A Tree” is officially the best headline of 2012 because it makes you want to read on AND it’s laugh-out-loud funny.

In her new book, Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering CatholicPlayboy favorite Jenny McCarthy writes about a time she took too much X in Hawaii and became turned on by everything, including the tree she used to hold herself up.

“The texture felt so good that I decided to rub my head and boobs all over it. It was a tree I was humping.” In another explanation of the affair, she tells Chelsea Handler:

“I took five at once, and I was rolling muh balls off.” Continue reading “Jenny McCarthy Had Sex With A Tree, Blames Ecstasy”

My Cat Is Preparing Me For A Satanic Ritual

You see that red “X” on that hideous pasty highway of veins and moles? That’s my arm and a mark of the beast, put there by my closest confidant and abusive advisor, Raisin, the 18 pound wonky-eyed Siamese.

Obviously he’s put this scratch on my skin as a sort of map for the occult. A place to bury a microchip, store a Friskies treat, or insert the adamantium.

It also looks like I’ve been indulging in some form of self-mutilation.

If I ever left the house, people would see this and feel sad as they picture me sitting at home teary-eyed watching muted Ahh Bra infomercials with a tack to my flesh.