Man Spent 10 Years In The Woods Hiding From His Overbearing Wife

malcolm applegate wife
Source: emmaus.org.uk

Malcolm Applegate’s life was all fine and dandy until shortly after he got married, when he realized his wife was absolutely the type of woman who deserves to be ghosted

Via emmaus.org.uk:

The more work I took on, the angrier my wife got – she didn’t like me being out of the house for long periods of time. The controlling behaviour started to get out of hand and she demanded that I cut my hours. After a long time trying to stay in the marriage, I decided to leave for good. Without a word to anyone, not even family, I packed up and left… I went missing for 10 years.

On leaving, I camped in thick woodland near Kingston, and made that home for five years while maintaining the gardens at a local community centre for the elderly.

You know you’re a terrible significant other when your partner would rather crap in the woods and go without hot water and regular meals for a decade than spent another second with you.

Continue reading “Man Spent 10 Years In The Woods Hiding From His Overbearing Wife”

Pokemon Go is Bringing Nerds Together Like Never Before

pokemon go brosLast night at around 11:00 p.m., a day after downloading Pokemon Go, my girlfriend and I had a sudden pressing inclination to go to the park and try and level up our trainers. We don’t live in the safest town of all time, so when we noticed several men walking behind us we became cautious but trekked on, crossing our fingers they weren’t up to no good. It took us a few minutes to realize that everyone there was up to the same non-mischief.

A girl walked past us as we got closer and reached a landmark, loudly exclaiming and pointing behind her, “There was an Eevee right back there.”

There we were, standing in the dark in a place we wouldn’t normally feel entirely safe, surrounded by harmless gamers with the same purpose, the small square lights of their phone screens encompassing us. I usually associate strangers on their phones with isolation, but this was different. We were all being socially antisocial. We were unified. Awkward, yet connected.

The same girl who called out the Eevee’s location shouted this time,”Bulbasaur! Bulbasaur over here!” Everyone in the park came running, and most of us thanked her.

For those who haven’t played, Pokemon Go uses augmented reality, a combination of CGI and real life. The app shows a cartoon map of where you are and once a Pokemon (collectible creatures that you trap and level-up) appears on the map, you click on it and see via your phone’s rear-facing camera where it is. Sometimes they’re inside, bouncing around on a table or mischievously blocking your view of the TV. Sometimes they’re next to a river bank or on top of a car, and other times they’re interrupting this blog post.

Pokemon go blog

While it’s always possibly to catch a few Magikarps from the comfort of home, the game rewards you for visiting real-life locations. You can’t make real progress without going outside. So, besides uniting gamers, it’s also making us walk.

Continue reading “Pokemon Go is Bringing Nerds Together Like Never Before”

Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’

donald trump i am not a crookAn anonymous woman has come forward alleging Donald Trump and his longtime friend Jeffrey Epstein raped her in 1994 when she was only 13-years-old. Epstein was added to the National Sex Offender Registry in 2008 after soliciting a 14-year-old girl.

Here’s what Trump had to say about Epstein, in 2002:

I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it, Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

See how he describes his buddy’s affinity for minors as charming?

The Jane Doe, who is now around 22-years-old, says Trump “initiated sexual contact” with her multiple times in a new lawsuit she’s filed with the help of an alleged former employee of Epstein’s who claims she witnessed the encounters.

From the Huffington Post:

On the fourth incident, she says Mr. Trump tied her to a bed and forcibly raped her, in a “savage sexual attack,” while she pleaded with him to stop. She says Mr. Trump violently struck her in the face. She says that afterward, if she ever revealed what he had done, Mr. Trump threatened that she and her family would be “physically harmed if not killed.” She says she has been in fear of him ever since.

Epstein has also been linked to Bill Clinton, Kevin Spacey, Chris TuckerStephen Hawking and Prince Andrew, who all flew on his private jet (the “Lolita Express”) and/or visited his private island in the Caribbean, sometimes referred to as “Sex Slave Island” or “Orgy Island,” based on reports that Epstein and some of his high-profile cohorts engaged in group sex with girls as young as 12.

Continue reading “Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’”

BuzzFeed Provides Much-Needed Look At Emotional Abuse

As far as movies, tv and other media go, we’ve seen a few abusive relationships, right? Typical scenarios on a very limited spectrum, usually husbands or boyfriends landing punches on their wives or girlfriends, calling them stupid for not having dinner ready…

Thankfully, BuzzFeed just released something much less obvious: a 14-minute short that shows how emotional abuse manifests in the early stages of a relationship. The video—which features a lesbian couple, a developing romance between a heterosexual couple, and a best friend dynamic between the victim and the hetero woman—is both realistic and believable.

Brittany Ashley, Ali Vingiano abuse video

Props to writers Ali Vingiano and Brittany Ashley for the scene where the besties (played by themselves) share a blunt on the beach. Ashley’s character is pushed to stop making excuses for her partner after her friend expresses concern over her girlfriend’s misplaced jealously issues.

Recognition of abuse accomplished. #RightInTheFeels

50 Cent Cursed In A Country That Doesn’t Allow Swearing (Or Any Other Type of Fun, Apparently)

50 cent swearing in public memeCurtis “50 Cent” Jackson was briefly arrested and fined for rapping an explicit lyric at a gig on the Caribbean island of Saint Kitts, where profanity is illegal.

From TripAdvisor.com, regarding language and etiquette in Saint Kitts and the neighboring island of Nevis

Nevis culture has a strong religious foundation. Cursing in public is against the law. Nude bathing and topless bathing are not permitted. Beachwear is fine for the beach, but in public places it is not considered appropriate to be dressed in skimpy beach or resort clothes, such as short shorts or halter tops.

Basically, don’t act like a sailor even though it’s an island, or show any skin, even though, again, it’s an island.

In 2003, DMX was arrested at a music festival in Saint Kitts for the exact same reason. Authorities claimed he signed a contract beforehand that referenced the country’s indecent language laws, but DMX said those mothertrucking c-u-next-Tuesdays were full of caca.

Continue reading “50 Cent Cursed In A Country That Doesn’t Allow Swearing (Or Any Other Type of Fun, Apparently)”

The New Ghostbusters Song Is Good And All, But It’s No ‘Ninja Rap’

fallout boy vanilla ice

The revamped Ghostbusters theme by Fallout Boy and Missy Elliott is being celebrated around the world for its originality and powerful, thought-provoking message about busting caps in ghost’s asses. It’s a contender for Best Original Song at next year’s Academy Awards and has already received praise from artists like Yo-Yo Ma and Randy Newman, who are both kicking themselves for rejecting the offer to compose “Ghostbusters (I’m Not Afraid).

“This generation’s ‘Amazing Grace,’ Newman told the New York Times.

Obviously I’m human and can’t resist singing “I’m not afraid” at my apartment’s swimming pool at the top of my lungs in a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man bikini, but I’m of the more purist opinion that no song written for a movie can ever compare to Vanilla Ice‘s “Ninja Rap (Go Ninja Go)” from the Scorsese classic, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

There you have it. Pete Wentz, Patrick Stump and the Fallout Boyz are relevant and Missy Elliott doesn’t need a paycheck.

Continue reading “The New Ghostbusters Song Is Good And All, But It’s No ‘Ninja Rap’”

Disney Beaches Reopened, Still Just As Infested With Gators

disney world alligator signThe beach alongside the Disney World lagoon where a young boy was drowned by an alligator has reopened with “heightened security,” including a before-sunset curfew and signs that read “You should have gone to California instead.”

Justtt kidding. The signs actually say, “Danger! Alligators and snakes in area. Stay away from the water. Do not feed the wildlife.”

Safety precautions or not, you couldn’t pay me to visit, because Florida is home to an estimated 1.5 million alligators and just as many venomous spiders and snakes. It’s also hot, crowded and full of young people that are way better looking than you and old people who are so close to death you don’t know if they’re talking to you or an invisible deceased relative in the corner.

Let me tell you a story.

I grew up near this golf course that was constantly flooding and full of red-winged blackbirds. People like my mom and all our hippie dippy friends were always trying to get the forest service to buy the land and just let it be what it was meant to be, but it never happened.

The entire state of Florida is the equivalent of that golf course, a giant natural wetland that we — a bunch of stupid humans — couldn’t resist building on. Except instead of harmless chirping blackbirds and cattails, they have gigantic teeth-gnashing reptiles that eat children. We have no right to be mad at anyone but ourselves because we displaced them, not the other way around.

Speaking of the macabre and unnecessary, a reported 240 alligators have been slaughtered by Fish and Wildlife in the past 10 years around The Most Magical Place On Earth. The commission, which is currently sold out of Statewide Alligator Harvest Program permits, also wants us to feel better now that they’re “confident” they killed the very same alligator that devoured 2-year-old Lane Graves on June 16.

No! Alligators are like grey pubic hairs. You pull one out, and three more come to the funeral and ruin your plans. The solution is to drug and blindfold all the Floridians and ship them to Arizona (it’ll be days before they even notice).

Excuse me, all Floridians except the Trump supporters.

Build a giant wall on the Southern borders of Alabama and Georgia, and let the scaly, bloodthirsty creatures have the state of Florida.

 

Amber Heard Takes Money Out Of The Equation In Domestic Violence Case Against Johnny Depp

johnny depp amber heard white dress

As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Johnny Depp has been accused of physical and verbal abuse towards his soon-to-be ex wife. If you enter the virtual torture chambers known as online comment sections, you may have noticed that almost no one believes her.

The Depp fangirls and fanboys who don’t believe her have many defenses for the beloved star of nothing-memorable-in-the-past-decade.

Most of these people seem to believe the following:

  1. Soul-sucking she-beast Amber Heard is only making these claims because she was denied $50,000 a month in spousal support and thinks playing the victim will fill her pockets with pirate gold.
  2. Heard faked her injuries by a) hitting herself and/or having a friend hit her or b) drawing scratch marks and bruises on herself with lipstick and varying shades of blue eyeshadow.
  3. The way she’s approaching the situation and acting is somehow out-of-line/not “normal” for a victim of abuse. (She smiled in a photo on Instagram after filing for divorce and a restraining order.)
  4. Depp didn’t do it because his family, friends and ex-wife don’t believe he’s capable.

I have a question. If Meryl Streep told us that Don Gummer (her longtime spouse) was prone to fits of rage and had repeatedly terrorized her throughout their marriage, would you believe her? I think you would, but if Gummer accused Streep of the same you’d probably laugh. But why? Because you “like” her more? Because you’re familiar with her name and you’ve seen a bunch of her movies? None of us know what happened, and a lot of you are clearly letting your love for the man cloud your judgment.

Being skeptical is one thing, but it’s more dangerous to say she’s full of it than it is to believe her. Whether you’re wrong or right about his guilt, the public’s finger-pointing reaction to this story has undoubtedly made women more afraid to come forward. I’m not even sure that real victims will suffer if it turns out she’s not telling the truth because it’s become frighteningly obvious that no one believes them regardless.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGHnlqdPsww/?taken-by=halliejanemadenski

As of today, Heard is officially not seeking a single dime from Depp.

“In light of the coordinated false and negative media campaign falsely depicting my attempts to attain a CLETS Domestic Violence Restraining Order as being financially motivated, I am hereby withdrawing the request,” Heard said in court documents released last week.

There goes your motive.

Of course there are still those who believe Heard is motivated by attention, because nothing boosts a career like a phone to the face. Just ask the guy that got hit by Russell Crowe. What was his name?

Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas

chris brown lizianeHere’s what I know about the Chris Brown Vegas assault charges… A star-fucking groupie said Brown punched her in the melon during a concert. Brown called the star-fucking groupie “dusty” and said “I don’t know this old-looking bitch.”

Did he actually attack ye old bitchLiziane Gutierrez? Yes, totally.

There isn’t a single woman Chris Brown comes into contact with that doesn’t get hit. Sometimes it’s figurative, but it happens. Do I have love for star fuckers? No, but I have a lot less love for the man who made Rihanna look like a chump. It’s his fault ‘Anti’ still hasn’t been released AND that it’s cold in winter and that I’m broke, and also, he killed Natalie Cole, but not a lot of people know that, so shhh.  Continue reading “Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas”

Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week

drunk-girls-puppies-buzzfeedWhat makes women more emotional, adorable puppies or alcohol?

In a pointlessly entertaining experiment, BuzzFeed gave six ladies on their staff booze and then surprised them with a bunch of super adorable, good-smelling baby animals of the canine persuasion.

Upon seeing the dogs, the intoxicated women proceeded to scream, smile, cry and occasionally say profound things like, “I shouldn’t have drank whiskey, I can’t protect them.”

“I had such a hard Friday,” “I can’t take it” and “Wait, is this really happening?” were some of the girls’ other top reactions heard over the barely audible whimpers of the puppies who, by the way, are all available for adoption via Fur Baby Rescue.  Continue reading “Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week”

Unlucky Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’

phuc dat bich passportThis Vietnamese man is so phucking tired of having his social media accounts deleted by biches who doubt the legitimacy of his name.

That’s right, 23-year-old Australia-native Phuc Dat Bich (pronounced “Phoo Da Bic”) posted a photo of his passport to prove once and for all that he is not playing a prank on Facebook.

Bich says administrators have suspended his account multiple times due to their policy of users registering under their legal names, suggesting that it’s “because he’s Asian.”  Continue reading “Unlucky Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’”

Every Thing Miley Cyrus DID At The 2015 VMAs

miley drag queen vmasA lot of folks are talking about what Miley Cyrus wore at the 2015 Video Music Awards, and while she did earn the title of Space Skank and Juicy Fruit Whore with her many neon, crotch-framing outfits, her hosting gig was about more than just costume changes. Here are a few things she did:

1. Became a feminist. I wasn’t aware that appearing in tired sketches about getting high with rappers and “accidentally” showing some nip from behind a curtain equalled feminism, but website-I-usually-respect Pajiba says she’s “spurring a new wave of sexual revolution like Madonna did in the 80s.”

By having such obvious fun with her body in a way that mocks the Male Gaze, she’s challenging society’s concept of women’s bodies.

By this logic, every scantily clad, kinda weird pop star is a feminist. Grace Jones, yes. Gaga, maybe. Miley, NO.

2. Got called out by Nicki Minaj. I thought for sure Nicki Jekyll and Hydeing from sweet to pissed while accepting the Best Hip-Hop Video award for “Anaconda” was fake. She was visibly laughing while referencing an interview where Cyrus called her “not very polite” for the way she handled the Taylor Swift feud (a beef that was probably created solely to be squashed during the show’s intro), but according to MTV, the moment was 100% unscripted.

miley what's good

And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?

It was much more amusing that Nicki randomly thanked her pastor in her speech, but whatever.

3. Announced a new, free album. It’s called Dead Petz, was inspired by The Flaming Lips and has a lot to do with weed being more available than ever. Witness the lyrics to “Pablow The Blowfish:”

Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so bad
on Saturday night we all went out to eat
I can never decide, so someone chose sushi
I got soup, I ordered rice, but watching my friends eat my friends ruined my appetite

Suspiciously similar to “My Little Locked Room” from Slackers, right?

Things are at least a bit more clear on “Bang Me Box:”

I wanna touch it so bad, it’s almost like I can feel it on my fingertips
I want yours inside of me but don’t forget where I like licking babe
I want you to bang my box

Is she sadder about her dead fish friend than she is horny for Stella Maxwell?

4. Danced with drag queens. Miley turnt it all the way up (though nothing was more exciting than Ye’s announcement about Kim Kardashian being the potential first lady of the United States of America) for her performance of “Do It” with a hoard of humpy drag queens. A scene that surely continued Bieber’s epic fit of tears over his own awesomeness fear of heights.

5. Pissed off black people. Miley drew criticism from Chance The Rapper (among others) on Twitter for her Gone In Sixty Seconds dreadlocks and use of the word “mammy” while talking about her grandma in a skit featuring Snoop Dogg, but was it really any worse than her Kim K joke?

Kim Kardashian, I mean have you guys seen those nipples? I am so jealous of the baby in there.

According to the internet dictionary, the term mammy can refer to “one’s mother (especially as a child’s word)” or a black nursemaid in charge of white children.

6. Showed concern for The Weeknd’s hair. After the Weeknd’s show-stopping rendition of “I Can’t Feel My Face” (in the sort-of words of Kathleen Madigan, “I hope it’s not Bell’s Palsy”), long-hair-don’t-care Miley called Mr. Tesfaye a braver soul than she.

All that fire, and all that hair? I mean, I’ll do almost anything, but that is where I draw the line. That shit is fucking crazy.

So I wasn’t the only one having flashbacks to one of The Weeknd’s biggest influences, Michael Jackson, getting second-degree burns during his Pepsi commercial?

 

Demi Lovato Fails To Kiss A Girl In ‘Cool For The Summer’ Video

People love to compare the potentially bi-curious Demi Lovato single ‘Cool For The Summer’ to ‘I Kissed A Girl‘ by Katy Perry, but the songs really aren’t that similar, and Lovato has further proven that point by sidestepping the expected, cliché opportunity to make out with a girl in the music video.

I repeat, Demi Lovato doesn’t kiss a girl in ‘Cool For The Summer,’ which would be fine if the final product wasn’t so boring. Seriously, platonic girlfriends are so last year.

There is one part where she grabs a girl’s head and leans in, but without actual proof let’s be jerks and assume they’re just besties.

You Openly Hate The Kardashians Because You Secretly Hate Yourself

Kardashian family 2015 I’m sick of hearing the world complain about Kanye West appearances, Caitlyn Jenner‘s Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs and Kim Kardashian‘s Rolling Stone cover.

It’s starting to sound a lot like jealousy.

Bored trolls have taken it upon themselves to take a massive exploding dump all over everything this family accomplishes, and yes, most of their “accomplishments” are not exactly game-changers, but acting like Kim’s selfies are kickstarting the apocalypse isn’t exactly convincing anyone that you’re any more deserving of a working pair of lungs and oxygen than she is.  Continue reading “You Openly Hate The Kardashians Because You Secretly Hate Yourself”

Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby

bill cosby bushBill Cosby’s name is on the tip of everyone’s tongues lately for being the unwanted tongue at the tip of pretty much every woman he ever came in contact with, and we’re all sick of his freedom. Even Whoopi Goldberg, who has famously, stubbornly defended horrible people like Michael Vick and Roman Polanski thinks Cosby should be punished.

The latest person to speak out against Cosby is the king of America, President Obama, who sadly doesn’t have to power to revoke a presidential medal Cosby received in 2002, let alone to speed up the process of him getting DP’d by pudding pops in a federal penitentiary.

Continue reading “Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby”

Chris Hemsworth’s Fake Dong In ‘Vacation’ Is Terrifying

  

Chris Hemsworth has giant arms, giant calves, giant pectoral muscles, a giant mane of flowing blond hair and is part of a giant blockbuster franchise.

In short, there’s nothing short about him. (NSFW gif ahead.)  Continue reading “Chris Hemsworth’s Fake Dong In ‘Vacation’ Is Terrifying”