Man Spent 10 Years In The Woods Hiding From His Overbearing Wife

malcolm applegate wife

Malcolm Applegate’s life was all fine and dandy until shortly after he got married, when he realized his wife was absolutely the type of woman who deserves to be ghosted


The more work I took on, the angrier my wife got – she didn’t like me being out of the house for long periods of time. The controlling behaviour started to get out of hand and she demanded that I cut my hours. After a long time trying to stay in the marriage, I decided to leave for good. Without a word to anyone, not even family, I packed up and left… I went missing for 10 years.

On leaving, I camped in thick woodland near Kingston, and made that home for five years while maintaining the gardens at a local community centre for the elderly.

You know you’re a terrible significant other when your partner would rather crap in the woods and go without hot water and regular meals for a decade than spent another second with you.

Continue reading “Man Spent 10 Years In The Woods Hiding From His Overbearing Wife”

Pokemon Go is Bringing Nerds Together Like Never Before

pokemon go brosLast night at around 11:00 p.m., a day after downloading Pokemon Go, my girlfriend and I had a sudden pressing inclination to go to the park and try and level up our trainers. We don’t live in the safest town of all time, so when we noticed several men walking behind us we became cautious but trekked on, crossing our fingers they weren’t up to no good. It took us a few minutes to realize that everyone there was up to the same non-mischief.

A girl walked past us as we got closer and reached a landmark, loudly exclaiming and pointing behind her, “There was an Eevee right back there.”

There we were, standing in the dark in a place we wouldn’t normally feel entirely safe, surrounded by harmless gamers with the same purpose, the small square lights of their phone screens encompassing us. I usually associate strangers on their phones with isolation, but this was different. We were all being socially antisocial. We were unified. Awkward, yet connected.

The same girl who called out the Eevee’s location shouted this time,”Bulbasaur! Bulbasaur over here!” Everyone in the park came running, and most of us thanked her.

For those who haven’t played, Pokemon Go uses augmented reality, a combination of CGI and real life. The app shows a cartoon map of where you are and once a Pokemon (collectible creatures that you trap and level-up) appears on the map, you click on it and see via your phone’s rear-facing camera where it is. Sometimes they’re inside, bouncing around on a table or mischievously blocking your view of the TV. Sometimes they’re next to a river bank or on top of a car, and other times they’re interrupting this blog post.

Pokemon go blog

While it’s always possibly to catch a few Magikarps from the comfort of home, the game rewards you for visiting real-life locations. You can’t make real progress without going outside. So, besides uniting gamers, it’s also making us walk.

Continue reading “Pokemon Go is Bringing Nerds Together Like Never Before”

Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’

donald trump i am not a crookAn anonymous woman has come forward alleging Donald Trump and his longtime friend Jeffrey Epstein raped her in 1994 when she was only 13-years-old. Epstein was added to the National Sex Offender Registry in 2008 after soliciting a 14-year-old girl.

Here’s what possible fellow pedophile Trump had to say about Epstein, in 2002:

I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it, Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

See how he describes his buddy’s affinity for minors as charming?

The Jane Doe, who is now around 22-years-old, says Trump “initiated sexual contact” with her multiple times in a new lawsuit she’s filed with the help of an alleged former employee of Epstein’s who claims she witnessed the encounters.

From the Huffington Post:

On the fourth incident, she says Mr. Trump tied her to a bed and forcibly raped her, in a “savage sexual attack,” while she pleaded with him to stop. She says Mr. Trump violently struck her in the face. She says that afterward, if she ever revealed what he had done, Mr. Trump threatened that she and her family would be “physically harmed if not killed.” She says she has been in fear of him ever since.

Epstein has also been linked to Bill Clinton, Kevin Spacey, Chris TuckerStephen Hawking and Prince Andrew, who all flew on his private jet (the “Lolita Express”) and/or visited his private island in the Caribbean, sometimes referred to as “Sex Slave Island” or “Orgy Island,” based on reports that Epstein and some of his high-profile cohorts engaged in group sex with girls as young as 12.

Continue reading “Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’”

BuzzFeed Provides Much-Needed Look At Emotional Abuse

As far as movies, tv and other media go, we’ve seen a few abusive relationships, right? Typical scenarios on a very limited spectrum, usually husbands or boyfriends landing punches on their wives or girlfriends, calling them stupid for not having dinner ready…

Thankfully, BuzzFeed just released something much less obvious: a 14-minute short that shows how emotional abuse manifests in the early stages of a relationship. The video—which features a lesbian couple, a developing romance between a heterosexual couple, and a best friend dynamic between the victim and the hetero woman—is both realistic and believable.

Brittany Ashley, Ali Vingiano abuse video

Props to writers Ali Vingiano and Brittany Ashley for the scene where the besties (played by themselves) share a blunt on the beach. Ashley’s character is pushed to stop making excuses for her partner after her friend expresses concern over her girlfriend’s misplaced jealously issues.

Recognition of abuse accomplished. #RightInTheFeels

50 Cent Cursed In A Country That Doesn’t Allow Swearing (Or Any Other Type of Fun, Apparently)

50 cent swearing in public memeCurtis “50 Cent” Jackson was briefly arrested and fined for rapping an explicit lyric at a gig on the Caribbean island of Saint Kitts, where profanity is illegal.

From, regarding language and etiquette in Saint Kitts and the neighboring island of Nevis

Nevis culture has a strong religious foundation. Cursing in public is against the law. Nude bathing and topless bathing are not permitted. Beachwear is fine for the beach, but in public places it is not considered appropriate to be dressed in skimpy beach or resort clothes, such as short shorts or halter tops.

Basically, don’t act like a sailor even though it’s an island, or show any skin, even though, again, it’s an island.

In 2003, DMX was arrested at a music festival in Saint Kitts for the exact same reason. Authorities claimed he signed a contract beforehand that referenced the country’s indecent language laws, but DMX said those mothertrucking c-u-next-Tuesdays were full of caca.

Continue reading “50 Cent Cursed In A Country That Doesn’t Allow Swearing (Or Any Other Type of Fun, Apparently)”

Did Bill Cosby Drug Everyone In The ‘Famous’ Video?

Bill cosby drugged everyone in famous video
George Bush, Anna Wintour, Donald Trump, Rihanna, Chris Brown, Taylor Swift, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian-West, Ray J, Amber Rose, Caitlyn Jenner and Bill Cosby

Congratulations to Kanye West on his moderately effective ploy for attention in his new video, which features nude (from the waist-up) versions of family, friends and controversial figures.

One of those figures is Bill Cosby, naked in bed with a bunch of groggy ass people that he clearly drugged. How unsurprised would we all be if that was the hidden message? It’s in poor taste and insanely offensive, Kanye’s favorite things in life besides being suffocated by bulging Armenian spheres.

Now, onto the topic of West BEGGING to be sued.

kanye west sue me twitter

Seven of the twelve celebrities in the Tidal exclusive for “Famous” (watch HERE) are close with him in one way or another, leaving George Bush (far left), Donald Trump (third from left), Ray J (fourth from right) and Cosby (far right) as main contenders to freak out over their likenesses being used in the video.

Kanye threw gasoline on the ego whore fire by tweeting “Can somebody sue me already #I’llWait” to his followers, but I’m not buying that he didn’t warn any of them in advance or that Kim, Amber Rose, Caitlyn Jenner, Rihanna and Chris Brown weren’t subjected to hours of being slathered in wax and/or plaster for body molds. And which unlucky bastards in the wax body mold making industry had to draw straws over this half hot, half creepy sack of winners and losers?

Continue reading “Did Bill Cosby Drug Everyone In The ‘Famous’ Video?”

The New Ghostbusters Song Is Good And All, But It’s No ‘Ninja Rap’

fallout boy vanilla ice

The revamped Ghostbusters theme by Fallout Boy and Missy Elliott is being celebrated around the world for its originality and powerful, thought-provoking message about busting caps in ghost’s asses. It’s a contender for Best Original Song at next year’s Academy Awards and has already received praise from artists like Yo-Yo Ma and Randy Newman, who are both kicking themselves for rejecting the offer to compose “Ghostbusters (I’m Not Afraid).

“This generation’s ‘Amazing Grace,’ Newman told the New York Times.

Obviously I’m human and can’t resist singing “I’m not afraid” at my apartment’s swimming pool at the top of my lungs in a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man bikini, but I’m of the more purist opinion that no song written for a movie can ever compare to Vanilla Ice‘s “Ninja Rap (Go Ninja Go)” from the Scorsese classic, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

There you have it. Pete Wentz, Patrick Stump and the Fallout Boyz are relevant and Missy Elliott doesn’t need a paycheck.

Continue reading “The New Ghostbusters Song Is Good And All, But It’s No ‘Ninja Rap’”

Did England Just Make The Worst Business Decision Of All Time?

What I’m about to say probably sums up the vapid nature of most Americans, but I didn’t hear about the EU referendum until today after looking at Ellie Goulding’s Instagram account and noticing she’d written that something “devastating” had happened to her country. Less attention to celebrities and more to world politics = a smarter me, I’m sure.

Because I was deeply concerned for my true love Ellie Goulding England, I learned the bare bones basics about “Brexit,” Britain’s exit from the European Union, and the potentially terrible impact it will have on the economy.

From The Telegraph:

The European Union is an economic and political union of 28 countries. Each of the countries within the Union are independent but they agree to trade under the agreements made between the nations.

The European Union operates a single market which allows free movement of goods, capital, services and people between member states.

Now that we understand what the EU is, let’s learn the effects of leaving it.  Continue reading “Did England Just Make The Worst Business Decision Of All Time?”

Disney Beaches Reopened, Still Just As Infested With Gators

disney world alligator signThe beach alongside the Disney World lagoon where a young boy was drowned by an alligator has reopened with “heightened security,” including a before-sunset curfew and signs that read “You should have gone to California instead.”

Justtt kidding. The signs actually say, “Danger! Alligators and snakes in area. Stay away from the water. Do not feed the wildlife.”

Safety precautions or not, you couldn’t pay me to visit, because Florida is home to an estimated 1.5 million alligators and just as many venomous spiders and snakes. It’s also hot, crowded and full of young people that are way better looking than you and old people who are so close to death you don’t know if they’re talking to you or an invisible deceased relative in the corner.

Let me tell you a story.

I grew up near this golf course that was constantly flooding and full of red-winged blackbirds. People like my mom and all our hippie dippy friends were always trying to get the forest service to buy the land and just let it be what it was meant to be, but it never happened.

The entire state of Florida is the equivalent of that golf course, a giant natural wetland that we — a bunch of stupid humans — couldn’t resist building on. Except instead of harmless chirping blackbirds and cattails, they have gigantic teeth-gnashing reptiles that eat children. We have no right to be mad at anyone but ourselves because we displaced them, not the other way around.

Speaking of the macabre and unnecessary, a reported 240 alligators have been slaughtered by Fish and Wildlife in the past 10 years around The Most Magical Place On Earth. The commission, which is currently sold out of Statewide Alligator Harvest Program permits, also wants us to feel better now that they’re “confident” they killed the very same alligator that devoured 2-year-old Lane Graves on June 16.

No! Alligators are like grey pubic hairs. You pull one out, and three more come to the funeral and ruin your plans. The solution is to drug and blindfold all the Floridians and ship them to Arizona (it’ll be days before they even notice).

Excuse me, all Floridians except the Trump supporters.

Build a giant wall on the Southern borders of Alabama and Georgia, and let the scaly, bloodthirsty creatures have the state of Florida.


Amber Heard Takes Money Out Of The Equation In Domestic Violence Case Against Johnny Depp

johnny depp amber heard white dress

As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Johnny Depp has been accused of physical and verbal abuse towards his soon-to-be ex wife. If you enter the virtual torture chambers known as online comment sections, you may have noticed that almost no one believes her.

The Depp fangirls and fanboys who don’t believe her have many defenses for the beloved star of nothing-memorable-in-the-past-decade.

Most of these people seem to believe the following:

  1. Soul-sucking she-beast Amber Heard is only making these claims because she was denied $50,000 a month in spousal support and thinks playing the victim will fill her pockets with pirate gold.
  2. Heard faked her injuries by a) hitting herself and/or having a friend hit her or b) drawing scratch marks and bruises on herself with lipstick and varying shades of blue eyeshadow.
  3. The way she’s approaching the situation and acting is somehow out-of-line/not “normal” for a victim of abuse. (She smiled in a photo on Instagram after filing for divorce and a restraining order.)
  4. Depp didn’t do it because his family, friends and ex-wife don’t believe he’s capable.

I have a question. If Meryl Streep told us that Don Gummer (her longtime spouse) was prone to fits of rage and had repeatedly terrorized her throughout their marriage, would you believe her? I think you would, but if Gummer accused Streep of the same you’d probably laugh. But why? Because you “like” her more? Because you’re familiar with her name and you’ve seen a bunch of her movies? None of us know what happened, and a lot of you are clearly letting your love for the man cloud your judgment.

Being skeptical is one thing, but it’s more dangerous to say she’s full of it than it is to believe her. Whether you’re wrong or right about his guilt, the public’s finger-pointing reaction to this story has undoubtedly made women more afraid to come forward. I’m not even sure that real victims will suffer if it turns out she’s not telling the truth because it’s become frighteningly obvious that no one believes them regardless.

As of today, Heard is officially not seeking a single dime from Depp.

“In light of the coordinated false and negative media campaign falsely depicting my attempts to attain a CLETS Domestic Violence Restraining Order as being financially motivated, I am hereby withdrawing the request,” Heard said in court documents released last week.

There goes your motive.

Of course there are still those who believe Heard is motivated by attention, because nothing boosts a career like a phone to the face. Just ask the guy that got hit by Russell Crowe. What was his name?

Facebook’s Infuriating Policies Allow Removal Of Post Exposing Misogynist Pig

facebook messsage asking for nudesApparently Facebook and their employees are in the business of protecting incomprehensibly ignorant, entitled and pushy men.

Yesterday, a friend I’ve known for years received a message asking if she’d be interested in selling pictures of her body. Totally fucking presumptuous and gross, right? Let me interject for a moment by saying that being accosted by random pervs is not flattering. Just a little tip for all the guys out there: most of us prefer well-worded compliments from people we know, trust and respect.

My friend, who is pretty familiar with this type of behavior from years of social media-having — not to mention multiplayer gaming on Xbox Live — decided to thwart his efforts with humor, telling him she was sans genitalia. Continue reading “Facebook’s Infuriating Policies Allow Removal Of Post Exposing Misogynist Pig”

The Real Reason Hillary Needs To Be President

Hillary clinton winkingHello, 18 through 30-year old Democrats that aren’t necessarily feeling “The Bern.” Some might call me a hipster (though I’m pretty most of those are definitely feeling it), but there’s this thing called popularity that I’ve always been wary of. People say, “Hey, see that guy you’d never heard of until 2015? You should totally vote for him.” And I’m like, “Hmm, why?” And they’re like “I dunno. He’s cool! And like, for the people.” Something something money, something something corruption and stuff.

A friend invited me to a Sanders rally and I contemplated going for all of two seconds and then realized that even though I had nothing better to do, I couldn’t consciously attend this event without knowing exactly who this guy was.

Like Sarah Silverman, I’d always been a tried and true Hillary fan, and now that I actually do know more about dear Bernie, I’m still Team Clinton.

The biggest, least-talked about reason America needs Hill and Bill back in the White House is simple: revenge. As soon as Hillary perches her sweet pearls-and-pantsuit-wearing self in that beautifully upholstered Oval Office chair she can start doing what her husband did when he was president, and that, my friends, is GET LAID.

hillary clinton cigar cartoonOnce elected, Hillary is totes going to get her motherfucking Lewinsky on. Having phone sex with Justin Trudeau while shirtless male interns take turns going down on her. Or taking Air Force One to East Asia to put a piping hot cigar up Kim Jong-un’s tight Korean ass. Perhaps a hot lesbian affair with Sarah Palin? Or an equally amazing round of JELL-O wrestling with Palin, Coulter, Bachmann and Davis?

With permission from his dom, Bill may sometimes be allowed to watch. (Participation is an express no-go.)

Winter isn’t coming. Hillary is.


Stacey Dash Could Never Be The Black Ann Coulter

stacey dash 2016 beautifulFox news contributor Stacey Dash shifted her way into the headlines yesterday by way of comedian Anthony Anderson, who called her “Ann Coulter dipped in butterscotch.”

Was it funny? Yes. But was it true? No. Dash is not the black Ann Coulter, because Ann Coulter is hideous never contributed anything positive to society besides the inspiration for Henry Rollins’ sweet fascist concubine tirade. But this isn’t about Anderson or Rollins, it’s about Stacey Dash being alright in my book because she’s harmless and co-starred in one of the most memorable films of all time.  Continue reading “Stacey Dash Could Never Be The Black Ann Coulter”

Olivia Munn Doesn’t Need Telekinetic Powers To Make Nerds Fap

olivia munn x men outfitIt’s hard not to be a pervert while looking at Olivia Munn in general, especially if you’re a nerd who enjoys nerd things like ‘Attack of the Show’ (rest in peace) and new X-Men movies.

I haven’t actually seen her for awhile, but I’ve also been cheating on The Twist with other websites for the past two years, covering topics I often couldn’t care less about for moolah. Plenty of love for Rant Chic, but I’m never writing about tampons or Kylie Jenner or Kylie Jenner’s tampons again in my life.

Anyway, Olivia is sexy to everyone but Packers fans, who believe she’s a demon siren sent from the worst circle of hell to make them lose five games this season. (But she’s terrible at her job because they’re still #1 in the NFC North.)  Continue reading “Olivia Munn Doesn’t Need Telekinetic Powers To Make Nerds Fap”

Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas

chris brown lizianeHere’s what I know about the Chris Brown Vegas assault charges… A star-fucking groupie said Brown punched her in the melon during a concert. Brown called the star-fucking groupie “dusty” and said “I don’t know this old-looking bitch.”

Did he actually attack ye old bitchLiziane Gutierrez? Yes, totally.

There isn’t a single woman Chris Brown comes into contact with that doesn’t get hit. Sometimes it’s figurative, but it happens. Do I have love for star fuckers? No, but I have a lot less love for the man who made Rihanna look like a chump. It’s his fault ‘Anti’ still hasn’t been released AND that it’s cold in winter and that I’m broke, and also, he killed Natalie Cole, but not a lot of people know that, so shhh.  Continue reading “Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas”

Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week

drunk-girls-puppies-buzzfeedWhat makes women more emotional, adorable puppies or alcohol?

In a pointlessly entertaining experiment, BuzzFeed gave six ladies on their staff booze and then surprised them with a bunch of super adorable, good-smelling baby animals of the canine persuasion.

Upon seeing the dogs, the intoxicated women proceeded to scream, smile, cry and occasionally say profound things like, “I shouldn’t have drank whiskey, I can’t protect them.”

“I had such a hard Friday,” “I can’t take it” and “Wait, is this really happening?” were some of the girls’ other top reactions heard over the barely audible whimpers of the puppies who, by the way, are all available for adoption via Fur Baby Rescue.  Continue reading “Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week”

Unlucky Asian Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’

phuc dat bich passportThis Vietnamese man is so phucking tired of having his social media accounts deleted by biches who doubt the legitimacy of his name.

That’s right, 23-year-old Australia-native Phuc Dat Bich (pronounced “Phoo Da Bic”) posted a photo of his passport to prove once and for all that he is not playing a prank on Facebook.

Bich says administrators have suspended his account multiple times due to their policy of users registering under their legal names, suggesting that it’s “because he’s Asian.”  Continue reading “Unlucky Asian Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’”