Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere, Recap! (Snooki’s Workout + Jwoww’s Botox)

That’s right, tonight was a very special night. Another important moment in nothingness. Season four of Jersey Shore has finally arrived. The show premiered in Italy with many questions to be answered. Well, honestly, I had no questions. I knew that 1. there will be a car accident. 2. The cast is just as stupid in Italy as in America. And 3. everyone is going to “smush.”

The show starts out in the unfiltered smog of America’s poorly-aged butthole err garden state, NJ. Nothing interesting happens until the boys and girls, Mike “The Situation,” Jenni “Jwoww” Farley, Vinny, Pauly D, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Ronnie and Sammi “Sweetheart” arrive in their new foreign home. Like everything else on the show, the new house looks like an imitation. A cheesy high-school project idea of what Italy would be. Marble, statues and pillars with red and yellow paint tossed in for good measure.

Here are the highlights of the episode and individual cast synopsis:
*
The real situation is Mike‘s head. It looks redder than the ass of an S&M-addicted Baboon. Also, it was revealed that him and Snookie banged at least four times since season three, even once when she had a boyfriend. Gasp. And The Situation looks to revisit guidette midget territory throughout the season. He also planted a kiss on her at the club errrr discoteca, which she semi-backed away from.
*
The discoteca that the cast visits is literally on fire. Seems like a MAJOR hairspray/perfume/alcohol/sperm hazard. Oh, sperm isn’t flammable? Nevermind.
*
Jwoww definitely got herself some botox! Which is sad because she used to look like the least disturbing member of the guidette wolfslutpack, but now, I dunno. I think she has as much sex appeal as a coffee table with Sunset magazines strewn about its surface. She’s got that housewife look now, indistinguishable age because of unmoving lips and tanned stretched leathery Ikea sofa skin.
*
Deena and “DJ” Pauly D kiss at the end of the episode. Killed two birds with one stone by Setting a world record for most half-hearted kiss and also most oral diseases caught in under 10 seconds.
*
Snooki has lost a bit of weight. And her secret is revealed on the show! I call it “front-faced epilepsy planking.” It’s basically where you lie down and thrust your head and pelvis into the air repeatedly like a horny, drugged-up hamster.
*
Newly single Sammi and Ronnie still have tension even though they pretend not to. Some things never change.
*
And speaking of things never changing, this show is the same in Italy as it would be in France or Australia or Russia or New Mexico or Argentina. Who cares. None of these people speak Italian except for Vinny, kind of. And Vinny is forced throughout the show to translate for the other three guys, in order to help them pick up hopeless Italian chicks.
*
Any chick that these guys deem not a “grenade” that’s what I consider to be, a grenade, or whatever. Just sayin.’
*
Finally it looks like there’s plenty of smooshing and smushing whatever-you-call-it. GTL, gorilla juicehead, t-shirt time, guido/guidette shenanigans this season for ummm, MTV to get really good ratings. Again. Also Snooki is gonna hit a parked cop car and get arrested. Yes the policia are gonna catch a Polizzi. Also season five premieres early next year! Woohoo, more of my life and yours, wasted.

And I’ll leave you with two quotes from the episode from mine and everyone’s favorite cast member Snooki

“I’m scared of needles, I just want them to not sag and the other one is bigger than the other, it pisses me off. And when I lay down they go to the side.” (after observing Jwoww’s breast implants)

AND

“I smell like King Kong’s Asshole.” (after dragging luggage up the stairs of her new home/breeding grounds)

-Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi..The best dormant Chilean reality show volcano a viewer could ask for.

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