Reasons To NOT See Shark Night 3D

I’ve been seeing ads for this “sharks in a lake” concept movie for months now, one that sparked my interest as a fun yet unrelated follow-up to 2010’s Piranha 3D, which featured piranha’s in a lake.

Sadly Shark Night is nothing like Piranha, besides the first 20 minutes it is perhaps the weirdest shark movie I’ve ever seen. It lacks that complete ability to make fun of itself that I’m used to seeing with these movies…

Reasons NOT to see Shark Night:

  • Not funny
  • Poor use of 3D
  • Crazy nonsensical plot
  • No nudity
Reasons TO See Shark Night:
  • Luke from the O.C. as a murderous diver
  • All the annoying characters die
  • Humorous mention of Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week”
  • No nudity

Shark Night starts out playfully enough, a group of college students on a trip to a Louisiana lake house for beer-guzzling, swimsuit-wearing adventures. Be forewarned Shark Night is deceivingly PG-13, lacking any of the nudity or sex scenes we’ve grown accustomed to. However, that isn’t my problem with it – the problem is the “plot.”

The so-called plot is abnormally complex. Here’s a bit of a synopsis, with some spoilers, but who really gives a crap about spoiling an already spoiled movie…

This group of chesty men and bikini-clad women go out to their friend Sara’s (Sara Paxton) isolated home beside the water, equipped with all the water sport fun that a 20-something could dream of, wakeboarding, jet skiing, inflatable beer pong table – whatever…

Sara opens up her childhood home to her six friends, two girls and four guys, but danger ensures not long after their arrival. Menacing fins start appearing in the lake, sliding towards us like huge grey CGI butter knives. Somehow these sharks can swim extremely fast, fast enough to keep up with  a motorboat.

Not to imply that ANY movie is realistic, but I did some research and I found that most large sharks swim at a speed on about 2 miles an hour, though they can do short bursts of about 24 miles an hour.

Anyway, we are introduced to some locals, which include Sara’s brooding ex-boyfriend Dennis (Chris Carmack of The O.C.) his sharp-toothed redneck diving buddy, and the local sheriff played by Donal Logue. (Grounded For Life)

During the second half of the movie, we start to raise our eyebrows. What on earth is this movie about? Turns out it’s not just about sharks eating people in a lake. It’s about the locals attaching cameras to sharks that they placed in the lake, and filming them kill people for some kind of hardcore shark-on-human-snuff television series. 

Apparently right after Sara character’s broke up with her scar-faced boyfriend Dennis, he tried to drown her, so she escaped and accidentally cut his face with a boat motor propeller. We learn that she took him to the hospital, and then never visited him, then was forever traumatized and afraid of men. Seems reasonable enough to me.  

I guess that really threw his villainous Southern ass out of whack, because it caused him to somehow procure a shit-ton of sharks, put them in the lake he grew up near, and videotape tourists or whoever, getting murdered savagely by them.

So, la dee da. Sara’s unsure crush, Nick (Dustin Milligan, the pool boy from Extract) is the first to really realize there is a serious shark infestation in these waters. Actually it’s the football player, Malik (Sinqua Walls) whose arm gets bitten off only a few minutes into the clan arriving at their party destination of an island. 

Yes, so this guy’s arm is a bloody stump of a shoulder, and on their way to the hospital, which is across the large body of water, like every other bit of civilization, their boat runs over a shark and their latin lady friend Maya, the football player’s girlfriend, flies into the water and dies. Boohoo. She was just a Vanessa Hudgens ripoff anyhow. (All the characters are expandable)

Regardless, they fail to go to the hospital, once they’re back home Malik, in an armless rage, goes into the lake seeking revenge with a spear in an attempt to poach himself some shark meat. This would seem like the perfect opportunity for the movie to poke fun at itself, but that moment never comes…

Later, the “help” comes a-knockin’ in the form of Sara’s evil ex-boyfriend. You don’t really realize how evil he is until the nerd character played by Joel David Moore (Avatar, Grandma’s Boy) and friend Beth (a random Katherine McPhee) are on his boat with his cohort Red, the sex-crazed yokel.

The plot thickens so too speak, and you learn not only of their plan, but that the sheriff is in on it too. It’s just about the weirdest most unexpected thing ever, and not in a good way. I liked the random eggsack-evolution, swirling underwater earthquake thing soooo much better in Piranha 3D. Shark Night’s attempt at a coherent story is one of the worst and most pointless screen fails I’ve ever seen.

And like Fright Night, the 3D was barely used. Final Destination 5’s 3D was much better though my all time favorite use of 3D were My Bloody Valentine and Piranha. 

This movie may look fun, but the advertisements are deceiving. You get more than you bargain for. And $12.00 per person is hardly a bargain for a sexless, barely 3D, hour and a half of nothingness.

It’s funny how they put the tagline right in the commercial – “On September 2nd, your worst fears are about to surface.” Yes, my fears of being bored during a movie, have surfaced. 

This reminds me of a joke I don’t know the punchline to. It goes like this – “how do you avoid a shark in a lake?” (It ends with something about not going in the water)

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