How Not To Get A Zombie Out Of A Well, By ‘The Walking Dead’

In “Cherokee Rose,” episode four of The Walking Dead season two, we learn a very valuable lesson, exactly what not to do when there’s a zombie stuck in your well. And, since I encounter this dilemma nearly every day, I figured I’d write down the anti-instructions.

Step One: Nearly forget to check your water source before drinking from it. At the last minute, notice shirtless mongoloid closed-eye fatty boom boom walker at bottom, poisoning your tap fluids.

Step Two: Lower live specimen into well. Use human bait, preferably not an Asian, since they lack the desirable lard that zombies crave, though, on the plus side, they are nimble. Make sure to tie the rope to very unstable piping device.

Step Three: Have live specimen, who barely escapes the clutch of the hungry dead creature, attach rope to zombie’s neck and midsection.

Step Four: Enlist your weak friends to pull the zombie up, don’t go slowly, and verify that the walker is too overweight to properly come out of the well once the sun hits its mushy frog-like skin.

Step Five: Finally, watch it split in half, its innards and blood spilling disgracefully back into the well, thus re-toxifying the water that you already weren’t going to drink.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t just shoot it in the head like your friend originally suggested?

…And there it is, five simple steps on NOT removing a zombie from a well, as told by AMC’s The Walking Dead. Tune in Sunday nights for more tips on what NOT to do during the future undead apocalypse.

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