Justin Bieber Turned 18 And The Internet Didn’t Break (Two Miracles In One)

On March 1, 1994 Justin Bieber was birthed from the sky, floating down to us on a pillow made from virgin hair and maple bars. The day is important to more than just 2 billion preteens who sing “Baby” on their home Karaoke machine nightly.

It’s a big deal for Selena Gomez too! The LAPD no longer have her on their statutory rape watchlist. The two can bone in public (on the beach, the wing of a plane, wherever) instead of a rented out Staples Center with Titanic playing on a projector screen.

Unfortunately no pictures of the Biebs seductively blowing out candles on a penis cake or snorting heroin off Demi Lovato’s elbow have surfaced. The only “surprise” is that he’s buying a mansion and releasing a new single on March 26, co-written by Mike Posner and called “Boyfriend.” 

It’s no coincidence that Selena was gangbanged by balloons in the “Hit The Lights” video. We now know it was a carefully planned ploy to wish her boyfriend a happy cigarette-sex-toy-voting day just four months later.
And god bless Steve Carrell, for making a joke that everyone else already thought of.
 [Random fact: the following celebrities Tweeted him birthday messages – Chris Paul, Floyd Mayweather, Ludacris, Kevin Hart, Asher Roth, Usher, Timbaland and Stephen Colbert]

One thought on “Justin Bieber Turned 18 And The Internet Didn’t Break (Two Miracles In One)

  1. Did you not see how on the Ellen show that Justin Bieber was given $100,000 solar car is a gift from his manager and Usher? He may be 18, but he is still a kid. I’m just saying…


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