On March 1, 1994 Justin Bieber was birthed from the sky, floating down to us on a pillow made from virgin hair and maple bars. The day is important to more than just 2 billion preteens who sing “Baby” on their home Karaoke machine nightly.
It’s a big deal for Selena Gomez too! The LAPD no longer have her on their statutory rape watchlist. The two can bone in public (on the beach, the wing of a plane, wherever) instead of a rented out Staples Center with Titanic playing on a projector screen.
Unfortunately no pictures of the Biebs seductively blowing out candles on a penis cake or snorting heroin off Demi Lovato’s elbow have surfaced. The only “surprise” is that he’s buying a mansion and releasing a new single on March 26, co-written by Mike Posner and called “Boyfriend.”
It’s no coincidence that Selena was gangbanged by balloons in the “Hit The Lights” video. We now know it was a carefully planned ploy to wish her boyfriend a happy cigarette-sex-toy-voting day just four months later.
And god bless Steve Carrell, for making a joke that everyone else already thought of.
[Random fact: the following celebrities Tweeted him birthday messages – Chris Paul, Floyd Mayweather, Ludacris, Kevin Hart, Asher Roth, Usher, Timbaland and Stephen Colbert]