The Titanic Movie I Want To See In Theaters

It was so obvious that Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Titanic was going to die (the lonely granny may have been a clue) but full-grown and teenage women worldwide cried anyway when he froze to death.

It’s because Rose was too big (Kate Winslet: “You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner”) to share the wood debris.

Honestly, I don’t believe that, I just don’t understand why she couldn’t have gotten on a lifeboat. Jack would have been floating around on a crate in the Atlantic, alive. Love make you STUPID. 

In honor of the 100-year anniversary of the ship sinking and the James Cameron’s 3D theatrical rerelease I present you with a fake trailer for a sequel, made six years ago.

It’s complete with a remixed “My Heart Will Go On,” an unthawed Leo in the future using Google to look up Rose, and a Titanic musical. What could be better than that?
This too! Michael Bay and George Lucas make everything better, and then so much worse. Complete with stormtroopers and exploding chairs.

3 thoughts on “The Titanic Movie I Want To See In Theaters

  1. I was thinking of Titanic – The Musical.
    The high point is an Esther Williams style synchronised swim dance feature (lots of high kicks and smiling lookalike clones of Rose), slowly rotating wheels of swimmers, then fade to a synchronised sink.
    Theme song – “I will go down (and down)”

    Unseen passing doctor – “Shit, we need to up his meds. Again. Try and keep him off the web.”


    1. Make a trailer for that too! A musical that zones in on synchronized swimming, Rose lookalikes and a big Broadway hit (“I Will Go Down And Down”) that will eventually be covered by Glee. I’m there.


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