Lady Gaga Is Judging Your Fingernails, Thinks Manicures Will Put ‘A Penis In Your Hand’

Lady Gaga has been using V Magazine as a slightly under the radar (for her) outlet for creativity since summer of 2011. Over the months she’s vaguely discussed science vs. religion, critics, and of course, shared her long-winded thoughts on fashion.

The latest column, Gaga Memo No. 7, has mother monster telling us why it is our task as women to have beautifully manicured fingernails.

Her “reasons” might, as a gender, set us back about 92 years and make you feel exponentially lazy or masculine. It’s definitely going to be one of the two. Key line: “any woman—no matter how stylishly she is dressed—is instantly above the rest if well-manicured.”

But, it doesn’t matter how much of a pretentious anti-feminist (#PAF) Gaga is. She’ll help put a dick in your hand! That’s all that really matters, right?

1) HAVING A PERFECT MANICURE INSTANTLY MAKES YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND CLEAN.

2) YOU’LL BE READY FOR SEX OR TO PUT A PENIS IN YOUR HAND.

3) IT’S A WAY FOR YOU TO EXPRESS YOURSELF (CAREFUL HOW YOU DO THAT).

4) IT FORCES YOU TO SEE THE IMPORTANCE OF MAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF.

5) IT BOOSTS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM EVERYDAY.

6) IT PROJECTS AN IMAGE OF SUCCESS, WHICH IS GOOD FOR BIZ.

P.S. Ladies in lights, in the magazines, and on red carpets—know that I am judging your cuticles…but that’s about it.

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