Fiona Apple Will Go To Jail For At Least Two Years

Because possessing hash in Texas is a third-degree felony, Fiona Apple faces up to 10 years in jail after her arrest on Wednesday for having four grams on her tour bus (big surprise, the lady with the octopus on her head likes THC).

A third-degree felony in the lone star state gets you at least two years in prison and a maximum of 10, according to the penal code.

Apple was busted in Hudspeth, the same county where Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg were detained. At a concert on Friday in Houston at  Bayou Music Center, she attempted to explain what happened.

“Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and — I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them ‘holding cell one” and ‘holding cell two.’ In ‘holding cell one’ is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal.

In ‘holding cell two’ is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your fucking holding cell?”

I still can’t believe that a person can be put behind bars for 24 months for having a golf-ball sized amount of hash. You could literally get a shorter sentence for raping someone or killing animals.

Am I the only one who thinks she sounds an awful lot like crazy Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted? 
Looks like her too.

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