I love Halloween for the candy corn, roasted pumpkin seeds, and horror movies even though lately I’ve come to expect only disappointing Paranormal Activity and Saw sequels.
October is national Bullying Awareness Month, so I urge you to not throw rubber insulin needles at the 4,000 people who will incur diabetes on this day, mostly because one of them could be me.
I’m not wondering what I should dress up as this year, because I’ve been interested in avoiding attention-drawing activities ever since I was a wallflower egg hiding from aggressive fist-pumping sperm in my mother’s fallopian tubes.
If YOU’RE still deciding what to go to your local cities’ Halloween costume party as, I have all the answers. First off, the most popular costume for men (besides the usual superman, cop, sailor, zombie, Jason, and firefighter) will be recycled Comic-Con cosplay from The Dark Knight Rises.
I’m talking about Bane! But you’ll only be successful if you go the whole nine and shave your head.
If you really think about it, you can figure out what every moderately smart woman will walk the dark streets as on October 31st. Yep, 2012 is the year of Katniss Everdeen.
And all you really need is a bow, khakis, biker boots, sheath for arrows, black v-neck, backpack, leather jacket and mockingjay pin (check the Hunger Games Fansite for more info on volunteering as tribute).
If you don’t go as Katniss, the Khaleesi, Ravenna (Charlize Theron) in Snow White And The Hunstman (or cheating K-Stew in armor) will have to do, OR you can just throw on a R2-D2 swimsuit and call it a day.
I’m only trying to save you from embarrassing yourself in a boring Thor/nun/nurse/Finn from Adventure Time/Catwoman/Sandusky/Teen Wolf/Vampire Diaries getup.
During a forced trip to the costume surplus store I discovered new heights of Dia de los Slut depravity.
Case study one: Monster hoods, for girls who are too busy “rolling” on X to make or buy a real costume. Instead, they simply drape a furry hat with large eyes and teeth over their underclothed bodies.
Case study two: Slutty crayons. For under $30, you can dress as a cleavage-baring “sexy” Crayola, pointy whimsical color-coded hat included.
If you’re wondering what cheap pet store cloth to pull over your child’s head, please refrain from Rubik’s Cube Dick In A Box, and stick to something more traditional. Pregnant ladies, THIS one’s for you.