Bella Makes Her Final Kristen Stewart Face – ‘Breaking Dawn Part 2’ is Over

On Sunday I dragged my withered tuckus to a matinée of Breaking Dawn – Part 2.

I saw the past three movies in the theater (New Moon made Eclipse look like it was based on a Pulitzer finalist) and therefore felt obligated to see the final installment.

Yes I like the series, no I don’t like admitting it.

I stopped reading the books after Jacob made Bella’s baby his future wife using only his eyes. It was very monarchical, and maybe the last misguided-stab-at-romance straw. But that’s what Twilight is, right? 

I had the actual good fortune of not knowing what was going to happen, so (*spoilers* ahead) I did not anticipate Alice’s last ever That’s So Raven vision being a non-reality.

A hushed “oh my god” may have escaped me when I thought fanged father figure Carlisle had literally lost his head. Then Jane (Dakota Fanning), Seth, Leah, and Jasper? Too much metaphorical and literal severance.

Ultimately there’s a happy ending because Stephenie Meyer got to kill all her characters without really killing them (J.K. Gangster just went ahead and murdered/aged hers for real).

If you’re looking for a more detailed plot summary, I’ll first tell you that the cheese factor is at an all-time high.

Bella is no longer clumsy and therefore unlikable. She wins at arm wrestling, nearly eats a rock climber for breakfast, takes human 101 classes (how to walk slow, blink, and slouch), and learns how to harness her newfound power.

Turns out she’s a “shield,” which means she has an immunity to other vamp’s gifts, which would have come in handy against the Volturi if they’d actually battled.

Half-mortal daughter Renesmee is the true focal point and reason for the attention from their sadistic Italian foes, who think the Cullens have made an “immortal child.”

This sets in motion a panic from the good guys, who must now gather a teeny tiny army of witnesses from around the world including two frightening blonde ladies (Kate and Tanya Denali) and Amazon edition Tyra Banks (Zafrina).

Immortal children were created long ago (Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire) but had to be destroyed because, like all children, they ate too much.
I can just hear Taylor Lautner’s thought process as he tries to subtly ask how he should act around his girlfriend “Nessie.” Thank god the director’s advice was “Just act like she’s your niece.”

Notice how I haven’t mentioned Edward? He’s about as vital to this story as Nikki Reed’s eyebrows as Rosalie and doesn’t even seem relieved to find out that his daughter isn’t aging at a fatally rapid rate.

Nice sex scenes by the way. Love making turned awkward by the actual lack of nudity.

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