I can tell from scrolling through every salacious website ever created that this is not in fact the year of the snake, but the year of the thing inside of Kim Kardashian. Let’s get our binoculars out and perv on some headlines…
Kanye As A Dad: What His Music Tells Us About His Parenting Style (Huffington Post) HuffPo plops the lyrics to “New Day” off Watch The Throne in front of analytical readers. In the song with fellow rap papa Jay-Z, Kanye basically says that his son will be a half-Armenian replica of Steve Urkel (no ego, no strip clubs, no fun).
KIM & KANYE: We Don’t Want Any SEX SURPRISES (TMZ)
They don’t want to know the sex of the baby. Whatever. I’m sure TMZ will take do a secret, high-tech ultrasound (using some sort of wand) from outside Kim’s window and fax the results to her right before they post it on their website.
KIM K. PREGNANT Baby Conceived … NEAR VATICAN (TMZ)
A source seems pretty sure the pancake batter that knocked up Kim was injected sometime in Rome, possibly inside the Sistine Chapel or on top of the pope’s robes.
Kim Kardashian on pregnancy: ‘It’s not as easy as people think’ (NY Daily News)
At a New Year’s party, Kim told ET Online, “When people say pregnancy is fun and they love it I would have to disagree,” adding that her sister Kourtney “made it look easy.” Who thinks pregnancy is easy? Oh yeah, all my friends who had babies and later told me that it was harder than they imagined, which I think is code for them contemplating the old child-in-the-trash-can trick.
Listen ladies, here’s what to really expect when you’re expecting. That scene in Prometheus, when she pulls the bloody squid out of her belly like one of those teddy bear claw games. Remember? Just picture that and keep in mind that you can’t run away like she did, because you have to take care of it and let it gnaw your tits off (because ruining your vagina just wasn’t enough).
PARIS HILTON Ecstatic That Kim K Got Knocked Up (TMZ)
Sex tape-making socialite sister Paris Hilton is thrilled. On a shopping spree she reportedly said “So happy for her, they are perfect for each other.”
KIM K. & AMBER ROSE Once You Go Black … (TMZ)
A total reach by TMZ to compare some lacy black dress former Kanye West girlfriend and current Wiz Khalifa baby mama Amber Rose wore in September to the one Kim had on last night. It does have me wondering if untalented Ripley in Alien 3 (Amber) has any words for Kim. Something similar to that interview where she called her a home wrecker maybe?
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Told Family About Pregnancy at Christmas, Reveals Cousin (EXCLUSIVE DETAILS) (Celebuzz)
Kanye’s cousin says both families learned about the pregnancy on or around Christmas Day. I wonder if Bruce Jenner’s face moved? I mean, was it face-moving news, or just kind of “meh” news in his eyes?
Pregnant Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Get Their PDA On Sin City (Radar Online)
OMG they kissed at midnight? What are you going to tell me next? That the sky in Oregon is gray? I guess the bigger news is that Kim was partying when she should have been laying in bed eating ice chips and whipping Kanye with the dried up good-luck umbilical cord Kourtney gave her.
Kim Kardashian Does NOT Want Baby on Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Report (Wetpaint)
What?? No baby on the various Kardashian television shows? I don’t want to believe this. That baby better pay its dues by being blinded by camera crews, because it’s great preparation for dealing with the paparazzi… Not that the paparazzi will even care about you if you’re not on Keeping Up With The Kardashians or the tantalizing spinoff, Khloe and Kourtney Escape From Dubai.