Your Easter Prayers Have Not Been Answered: Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Still Together

Chris Brown Rihanna instagram togetherMy day was made and unmade in a matter of hours. Upon waking, I heard a wonderful rumor from the radio station Power 106, who reportedly Tweeted that Chris Brown and Rihanna had broken up.

I was already making plans to paint his face on a dozen eggs, which I would then set on the sidewalk and crush with my feet and possibly a sledgehammer. By breakfast, I unrealized this dream when I read that Chris had favorited a Tweet from a woman who said the comments he made to Big Boy on air were as old as the dirt on Jesus’s abs.

“@chrisbrown and @rihanna are still together… that video was from like forever long ago.. their still getting married. sadly,” Lissette Ortiz wrote. 

OH. So they’re not only together but they’re definitely getting married? I thought that whole story about Rihanna replacing boring confetti and white dresses with Barbadian funnel cakes and a red bikini was nonsense.

Many thanks to Big Boy of Power 106, Lissette, Perez and most of all, Twitter, for ruining everything.

I’m going to go preheat the oven to 500,° read The Bell Jar and see if Sophie’s Choice is on Netflix.

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