‘I Can Never Ever Keep My Legs Together’ is the Hands-Down Best Song Parody of 2013

Taylor Swift surprise faces I’m not usually fond of excessive Taylor Swift slut jokes because I choose to believe that she’s a prude who won’t let dudes go past second base unless they stand outside her house with a boombox like John Cusack in Say Anything, but the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” parody is too funny to pass up.

The song (I’ll give you a melted Rolo if you find me the name of the singer/writer), re-named “I Can Never Ever Keep My Legs Together,” debuted on the Stern Show in February with little to no response from the public or media.

Put your hand over your heart, pledge allegiance to Howard Stern and give me four melted Rolos for painstakingly writing down the lyrics. (Sing the chorus to your favorite hobag.)

I dated Joe Jonas then I dumped him
For John Mayer because I love men
I moved on to Taylor Lautner for a week
Then dropped his ass for Cory Monteith
When it comes to dating men I want them all
So I ditched Cory for Jake Gyllenhaal
But I need more men to satisfy me
So out with Jake and in with Conor Kennedy
Oooh I need another boyfriend tonight
Oooh I wanna bang them all till I can’t walk right
Cause I can never ever ever keep my legs together

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