Man Swims Two Miles Just to Catch a Glimpse of Taylor Swift in Her Natural Habitat

Taylor Swift flatteredTMZ reports that a young man swam all of two miles just to spy on Taylor Swift in her oceanfront mansion in Rhode Island. (The one she bought for $17 million cash in April.)

Actually, he swam one mile in the penis-freezing cold of the Atlantic and then swam straight back after he saw her beefy security guards patrolling the area.

Hold the “Looks like she found a new boyfriend” or “Ryan Lochte must be bored” jokes. We shouldn’t make fun of the champion stalker with the bravery of a thousand bayonet-wielding mountain lions.

I mean, that’s dedication. Look up the word in the dictionary and you’ll see a photo of this guy’s mugshot. She should really give him a signed photo or show him half a tit or something. 

Whether the culprit was New Girl star Max Greenfield (who just fangirled all over Swift in an unitentionally hilarious Vulture article), Harry Styles, or just a random guy looking for things to add to his shrine, I implore you to look at one thing before you go…
taylor swift satanist
This is a photo of a woman who appeared on Sally Jessy Raphael in 1990, when Taylor Swift was just a year old, crawling around looking for animal cracker crumbs to smash against her gums.

With the help of satan, apparently, she managed to appear in adult form on a television show under the name Zeena LaVey (fakest identity EVER). Or maybe it’s Laura Prepon. We’ll never know.

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