The Xbox One Has a Bad Personality and Needs a Lot of Makeup

Xbox One console and controller
Microsoft unveiled the new Xbox today and it’s pretty much what we feared/expected. It’s not backwards compatible, requires the Kinect to be plugged in at all times, and it looks like a VCR from the ’80s.

What’s that you say? It looks nice and sleek in the picture, like a 360 and PS3’s lovechild?

Well yeah, in good lighting, with all the help of a hundred or more professional photographers and airbrushers it looks like a sober Kate Moss. Brace yourself. Beans are about to be spilled…

Like Seinfeld’s girlfriend in “The Strike,” this little lady is a two-toned two-face. #NoMakeup
Xbox One two tone
Thar she blows. A screenshot from a video taken on the event floor by Kotaku editor-in-chief Stephen Totilo. After a long night of chasing tequila with Pabst, the 9 you picked up in the bar just turned into a 4.
Xbox One console
But wait! Forget the drunken decisions and the girl you woke up next to. She just went into the bathroom with a compact and some elbow grease and came out looking fresh. I’m so %$#! confused.

Someone who’s been bullied that much is bound to have a good sense of humor, right? Nope. On top of not being conventionally attractive, Xbox One has a sh*tty personality.
Xbox One controller
Pros: Graphics. (Forza 5 looks nice. Too bad I hate that game.) Blu-ray functionality. Improved voice control. You can “chat on Skype while watching TV with friends” using the 1080p camera in Kinect 2.0.

Cons: It’s going to be expensive, it doesn’t play 360 games, it’s ugly and it can recognize your heartbeat.
Xbox One kinect
Let’s start a betting pool on how long it takes hackers to break into the new Xbox/Kinect and leak live streams of us half-naked and covered in Funyun dust to the public.

Check out Microsoft’s official Xbox One website for more photos, specs and vague descriptions.

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