Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?

Evangeline Lilly elfI have no qualms with Evangeline Lilly. I liked her on Lost even though the show sucked time-travelling buttholes for prematurely killing some of the best characters (Ana-Lucia, Shannon, Libby, Mr. Eko etc.) George R. R. Martin-style and making less sense than Ke$ha in a bookstore.

Lost rant done. The Hobbit rant loading… Eva-L.-not-Longoria has been cast as the completely made-up [by Peter Jackson and not J.R.R. Tolkien] warrior elf Tauriel in the new Hobbit movie, The Desolation of Smaug, and Entertainment Weekly has a first look at her all decked out in ren faire sh*t looking like one of the Merry Men in a grade school production of Robin Hood.

Read: The Five Most Irritating Ways Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit Deviated From The Book

Again, nothing wrong with Evangeline Lilly. Everything wrong with Jackson and his caca rendition of a masterpiece. (Plus braindead wardrobe people.) Lilly explained to EW that while Tauriel is “totally ruthless” and ready to kill, she will also “definitely have a love story,” possibly with Legolas. 

Head over to Book Snobbery for some amazing reasons why this whole thing is a load of stinking rotten fish and meat pies. PJ can eat a fat venomous d*ck. I’d rather watch strangers play Skyrim for 169 minutes.

Read: The Three G’s That Put Nails In The Hobbit’s Coffin – Guillermo, Graphics, ‘Game Of Thrones’

6 thoughts on “Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?

  1. She probably won’t RUIN it but I will likely want to stab my eyes out.

    People are DEFENDING THIS SHIT, saying The Hobbit NEEDED ROMANCE!

    Also, I want to punch the people with zero reading comprehension that try to say she’s based on a character from The Silmarillion. THANK ILÚVATAR PJ CAN’T TOUCH THAT!

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    1. I love and respect your hatred SO MUCH. Bringing more “female energy” to the narrative is B.S. If he truly respected the source material he wouldn’t feel a need to change it so goddamn much.

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      1. Heh, thanks. I have a feeling I’ll just get rantier and more incoherent as we get closer to December.

        People talk about how respectful he’s been, but I haven’t seen a bit of it. The only things I appreciate about the original trilogy of films are some of the casting and the scenery porn.

        Oh, and that orc that sounds like Tom Waits.

        I know going in that I won’t be pleased with anything, but godDAMN it feels good to talk some smack.

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      2. Yeah. I think he got Gandalf right, and I didn’t mind The Fellowship of the Ring but I was in high school when it came out and was less cynical than I am now. (Did I just compliment him?? Ew.)

        I’m still so curious about what Guillermo del Toro would have brought to the table…

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      3. I’m also curious how it would have gone with del Toro at the reins.

        Fellowship is the one I find least personally offensive. I don’t think it’s great, but it’s not the travesty the others are.

        I thought nothing could be worse than RotK (which I only JUST watched all the way through last year when we were doing the drinkalongs), but then this first Hobbit movie came out…

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