Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?

Evangeline Lilly elfI have no qualms with Evangeline Lilly. I liked her on Lost even though the show sucked time-travelling buttholes for prematurely killing some of the best characters (Ana-Lucia, Shannon, Libby, Mr. Eko etc.) George R. R. Martin-style and making less sense than Ke$ha in a bookstore.

Lost rant done. The Hobbit rant loading… Eva-L.-not-Longoria has been cast as the completely made-up [by Peter Jackson and not J.R.R. Tolkien] warrior elf Tauriel in the new Hobbit movie, The Desolation of Smaug, and Entertainment Weekly has a first look at her all decked out in ren faire sh*t looking like one of the Merry Men in a grade school production of Robin Hood.

Read: The Five Most Irritating Ways Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit Deviated From The Book

Again, nothing wrong with Evangeline Lilly. Everything wrong with Jackson and his caca rendition of a masterpiece. (Plus braindead wardrobe people.) Lilly explained to EW that while Tauriel is “totally ruthless” and ready to kill, she will also “definitely have a love story,” possibly with Legolas. 

Head over to Book Snobbery for some amazing reasons why this whole thing is a load of stinking rotten fish and meat pies. PJ can eat a fat venomous d*ck. I’d rather watch strangers play Skyrim for 169 minutes.

Read: The Three G’s That Put Nails In The Hobbit’s Coffin – Guillermo, Graphics, ‘Game Of Thrones’

6 thoughts on “Evangeline Lilly Couldn’t Possibly Ruin An Already-Ruined Movie Trilogy, Could She?

  1. She probably won’t RUIN it but I will likely want to stab my eyes out.

    People are DEFENDING THIS SHIT, saying The Hobbit NEEDED ROMANCE!

    Also, I want to punch the people with zero reading comprehension that try to say she’s based on a character from The Silmarillion. THANK ILÚVATAR PJ CAN’T TOUCH THAT!


    1. I love and respect your hatred SO MUCH. Bringing more “female energy” to the narrative is B.S. If he truly respected the source material he wouldn’t feel a need to change it so goddamn much.


      1. Heh, thanks. I have a feeling I’ll just get rantier and more incoherent as we get closer to December.

        People talk about how respectful he’s been, but I haven’t seen a bit of it. The only things I appreciate about the original trilogy of films are some of the casting and the scenery porn.

        Oh, and that orc that sounds like Tom Waits.

        I know going in that I won’t be pleased with anything, but godDAMN it feels good to talk some smack.


      2. Yeah. I think he got Gandalf right, and I didn’t mind The Fellowship of the Ring but I was in high school when it came out and was less cynical than I am now. (Did I just compliment him?? Ew.)

        I’m still so curious about what Guillermo del Toro would have brought to the table…


      3. I’m also curious how it would have gone with del Toro at the reins.

        Fellowship is the one I find least personally offensive. I don’t think it’s great, but it’s not the travesty the others are.

        I thought nothing could be worse than RotK (which I only JUST watched all the way through last year when we were doing the drinkalongs), but then this first Hobbit movie came out…


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