Kim Kardashian’s vagina became a protractor last night and erupted into full saber-toothed tiger early this morning. I mean, contractions. And labor. Either way, the red priestess gave her a baby 5 weeks early because, you know, sorcery is not an exact science.
Three of the most dreaded villains of all time commented on the news on Twitter.
First, Sith Lord electrocutioner Darth Vader wrote that he is “no longer the worst parent in the universe,” with The Dark Lord Voldemort adding “No word on which ‘K’ name she gave it but I’m hoping for ‘Kreacher.'”
Never one to let her poker buddies have the last word,
Skynet Talknet mastermind Sally Jessy Raphael slithered out of an abandoned glory hole and commanded one of her minions to type the above words.
Kanye West reportedly stopped banging male and female models in the recording studio to his new single, “Yeezus Doesn’t Want Me For a Sunbeam,” in favor of watching Kim push and sweat until she passed the kidney stone/baby thing.
Sadly, Taylor Swift missed the opportunity to tweet, “Yo, I’m happy for you and imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best labors of all time.”