Take Your Butter Money and Run, Girl: Paula Deen Fired From Food Network

Paula Deen apology videoPaula Deen, Mistress of Carbs, maker of delicious, oozing vodka-soaked chicken with chocolate sauce and essence of Hostess Twinkies, has been terminated by the Food Network after she attempted to apologize (twice) for casually admitting that she uses the n-word.

Before telling the public they’d chosen not to renew her contract, the Food Network issued a statement assuring everyone that they do not tolerate bigotry no matter how delicious the bigot’s food is.

“Food Network does not tolerate any form of discrimination and is a strong proponent of diversity and inclusion. We will continue to monitor the situation,” they clarified.

Mrs. Deen and her people scrambled all day to set it right, booking an appearance on the Today Show that was eventually cancelled in favor of a second apology video (first HERE).

Clumps of mascara circled her eyes like helicopters behind Snoop Dogg’s house as her tears [and the tears of her fans] soaked into the ground and gave all the worms and moles severe chest pains and a sudden shooting pain in their arm. 

“Your color of your skin, your religion, your sexual preference does not matter to me,” she said as she clutched her hand to her chest. “It’s what’s in the heart.”

Whatevs. I hate to argue ignorance, but I don’t think Paula is “racist” to the point of not befriending black people or organizing lynch mobs. (Not that white people should EVER use the n-word unless they’re actors demonstrating a point in say, Django Unchained.) She’s a 66-year-old Southerner. What do you expect?

ReadPaula Deen And Brother Accused Of Bigotry

Read: Paula Deen is Now Selling Her Own Line of Butter at Walmart (The Jokes Write Themselves)

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