Jennifer Aniston is a Brita Filter, Really

Jennifer aniston salad tosserYou may find yourself wondering what’s going on with the cast of Friends these days, well, Courtney Cox is looking like Cher’s grandma who bought plastic surgery in the back of a joint tortilla and pizza cart in Mexico City…

Matthew Perry is filling the void of another cancelled show by talking about why Chandler Bing’s eye bags were deeper than Crater Lake. Lisa Kudrow is being awesome, swimming in yogurt money and preparing for a third season of Web Therapy to air on Showtime (Matt LeBlanc’s doing the same with Episodes).

But what’s the most famous alumn up to? LET ME TELL YOU. Jennifer Aniston just gave an interview with New York Magazine where she called her body a “purified system” that rejects bad food.

Aniston explained that her organic body reacted to a Big Mac as if it were gasoline. “I think what you put in your body, as well as stress, is reflected in the quality of your skin,” she said. 

I find this interesting because it’s something I struggle with. Like I can’t wait to get old because I’m physically already there. I’m allergic to cheese and coffee so I’ve already got the projectile diarrhea thing down. I’m also addicted to modern-day soap operas and I use Polident to clean my retainer.

Being old sounds cool and all, but I’m afraid I’ll go to hell for treating my body poorly, and in my hell the pantry is Aniston’s dream, just Mason jars full of seeds and whey protein. Not a 50¢ apple pie in sight.

This picture of me has been flying around the internet for the past year and I'm about to sue
This picture of me has been flying around the internet for the past year and I’m about to fuckin’ sue!

My sweet tooth is like the ecstasy-taking, redneck cousin of Bynes and Lohan. Out of control. Tickets for driving under the influence of Sour Patch Kids soaked in marshmallow vodka. Just poor enough to use that whole excuse about the whey and seeds being too expensive.

Because I would totally eat them if they were cheap. Mmmm. I GUESS Jennifer’s money and perfect body make up for not being able to eat good food but I’m just not there yet.

Maybe when I turn 35 I’ll go full Portland and become an unhappy, gluten-free Bikram Yoga-doing bag of dry skin and spider veins with a sexy leather six-pack. Wish me luck.

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