Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall

best William and Kate photosSo I was sitting with my mom in my apartment with CNN muted in the background while she checked her email, and upon glancing at the TV and seeing a segment on Kate Middleton’s labor, she goes, “People have been giving birth for centuries, what’s the big deal?”

As I watched her shake her head in that effectively unimpressed way that only a feisty mother can, I thought about how right she was.

Every time someone throws confetti and cigars and baby-proofing items at the sky lords just because some baby successfully slid out of some woman I lose my wings.

And that’s exactly who Kate Middleton is. Some woman. And Prince William is some man who shot a load into that specific woman making a human being that could either be a huge disappointment or a minor success in the form of someone who doesn’t cheat on his taxes or ignore elderly street-crossing ladies. 

Cynical? Sorry Britain. Sorry Queen. Sorry Kim and Kanye. Here are some details for the royal watchers:

The unnamed baby boy was born in the same hospital (St. Mary’s) as William was born (in 1982) on an unusually hot day (91 degrees) in London. He weighs 8 pounds and 6 ounces.

“Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well and will remain in hospital overnight,” the royal family said in a typically vague-but-cheery statement.

May your child be half as kind as Diana, less than a quarter as ugly as Charles and balder than Will…

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