It’s hardly news that something weird happened in Portland, but uh, something weird happened and I’m all about keeping it weird and spreading the word. (In truth, I’m just bored.)
There’s this thing called the Redhead Event, where a bunch of soulless gingers gathered to collectively sacrifice blondes and brunettes in the middle of a cement park in downtown Portland.
Actually they were trying to break a world record, or they did. It just hasn’t been confirmed by the weird bored fetishist people over at Guinness.
1,300 to 1,600 recorded firecrotches beat the prior American record of 890 and the international record of 1,255. Attendees provided childhood photos to prove their natural redness.
I can’t even stomach being around one shifty ginger, let alone a thousand and change. I feel like they know my birthmom is one of them…
They know I have that rare recessive gene and they’re looking at me thinking of ways to put me in a cage and make me breed with other gingers to repopulate a nearly extinct species of sun-loathing freaks.
On the other hand, I’m starting to regret purposefully being far away from Pioneer Square that day. Do me a favor and imagine the aerial view. Birds be wearin’ sunglasses. Paintball snipers going strawberry picking… M.I.A.’s “Born Free” on multiple projector screens. Mmmm.