Why ‘The Goonies’ Sequel Will Confirm Your Status as a Senior Citizen and Kill Your Already Dead Childhood

Richard Donner – director of the original beloved Goonies film about a group of typically mischievous children on an underground treasure hunt – told TMZ “We’re doin’ a sequel” just this morning.

As exciting as that may sound, think about what it really means. A bunch nods to the original (the truffle shuffle, “Goonies never say die!” shots of the famous “Goonies house” in Astoria, Oregon, the oldest, most haunted town west of the Rockies), and maybe some cameos that might keep a fraction of the diehard, easily-pleased fans satisfied, but do the rest of us not know better?

First of all, John Matuszak, the man who played sloth – a former defensive lineman for the Houston Oilers – died of an overdose four years after The Goonies (1985) debuted in theaters (and grossed a surprising $9 million at the box office, btw). 

Second, because the original relied on child actors (Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, Jeff Cohen and Martha Plimpton), the new film will likely recast a new generation of less amazing kids in their stead, and since Donner said he hopes all of the original cast will return, we can expect them to be the children of aging Astin, Brolin, Feldman and Cohen (Chunk), which will be a big fat bowl of sadness.

Gawker commenter ItsARampageLana put it best. “People who want their pop culture to help them forget they’re getting old are willing to overlook a lot.” …Maybe it will do well. Maybe I’ll love it…

I know one thing for certain: I may be a cynical bitch, but I love to be surprised and proven wrong.