I want you all to know that this article is the result of me involuntarily waking up at 8:00 a.m. and laying in bed with a heating pad on my bleeding uterus while watching nothing but E! News. Feel my pain.
Two hours of Kim Kardashian wedding coverage and five Reese’s Peanut Cups later, I learned as much of interest as I would have if the TV had been turned off…
Some poor E! correspondent had it so much worse, as she stood outside listening to dozens of Justin Bieber fans singing “Baby” in front of a hotel in foreign accents all because they thought he might be attending the wedding and wouldn’t stop even when she stuffed Cannolis in her ears and assured them he wasn’t there.
What else do I know… Well, there are pictures of the ceremony featuring Kanye West’s first-ever documented smile and a “hot pastor,” a friend of Jason Kennedy’s who thumps his Bible in the name of well-manicured facial hair.
Jaden Smith dressed as white Batman so he could make out with Kendall Jenner and she could still say it didn’t happen because duh… secret identity.
Last but not least, George R. R. Martin interjected with the perfect Red Wedding joke.